SCENERY / Taejin

23. Stressful Memories

"Hyung, so you're 30 now. How does it feel being old?" Kook smirks at me.

I punch him on the arm and he snorts out a laugh.
"You guys look dead beat after just a few rounds of drinks. You really are getting weak. Kinda sucks that I'm the only healthy one in my 20's now." He tsk with a smug face, intentionally to annoy everyone and it succeeds, pieces of food flying his way making him laugh even louder.

Jiminie joins in and turns to Yoongi-hyung,
"Hyung, you're the first in the group to reach 30. Please advice Taetae on it," he and Kook adamant to tease me even more.

"I'm not the first to reach 30. Jin-hyung is." He replies calmly.

The table goes silent. Shifting uncomfortably, they steal glances my way to check, fully aware of what effect his name has on me.

My eyes wander to theirs and I smile weakly at my worried audience to reassure them.

The years following hyung's departure were spent busy with our own different careers and it taught us to let him go a little. To try to understand his motives and to wait for his answer patiently. But everyone knows how fresh my wounds still are. They avoid mentioning him around me, afraid it will disturb whatever peaceful facade I was holding up.

"Ah! That's right! I don't know if I should say this...but..I have news from Brazil..," Hobi-hyung exclaims abruptly, startling everyone.

"What about?..Are you performing?" Jiminie inquires, hoping to change the subject.

"No..No..it's nothing like that. It's about Jin-hyung actually." He looks around, his eyes asking for permission to continue.

"Hoseok-ah..," Yoongi-hyung starts but he is cut off by the former,

"It could be important! We can't just avoid talking about him forever."

"What about hyung?", my voice sounds shaky but it is loud enough for them to hear.

"My friend's brother is a food critic there. He said he saw Jin-hyung a couple of times at this one town he was visiting. He's not sure but we could ask him and t.."

"Town? What town?" My voice cracks up even more. I can't remain seated anymore and gets up, approaching him.

"You see, he wasn't sure if it was actually hyung but we can contact them though."

"Stop."
Namjoon-hyung's voice is deep and stern. Even though he isn't the oldest, his voice has this command that makes us all listen. He sighs deeply before continuing,
"We've heard these kind of news a hundred times already. We've talked about this,guys. We decided we'll wait for Jin-hyung to reach out to us first."

"But... but what if he never does?" Namjoon-hyung was right. He always is. But I can't just sit still and wait.

"If that's his decision, we ought to respect it, Taehyung."

His voice carries an ultimatum.

"But..." my voice slows down unsure of what to say next to aid my argument.

"So what will you do then?"

I look up at the new speaker. His arms are crossed and his eyes, closed. Without even looking at me Yoongi-hyung continues,
"What will you do? Run off to find him again like you did 3 years ago? Drop everything like you did then and run around like a mad man to every place he was reported to be seen? Is that it?"

"That time..I," I gulp and is cut off from saying whatever I was gonna next.

"That time you spent 2 whole months in Japan, visiting every cafe he was rumored to be operating; went to visit every sketchy person who phoned you with so called 'information'. How much harm did that do to our company and to us? Trying to cover up your movement from the public? And you plan to do that all again? Has it ever occurred to you that people keep talking of seeing Jin-hyung just for some internet clout? You can't just trust every internet clown.."

"My friend...isn't an internet clown though....." Hobi-hyung murmurs weakly.

I bite my bottom lip, annoyed over the stressful memory. I remember how foolishly and with high hopes I had run to those places, only to be disappointed time and again. That incident took such a toll on me and my faith in people. I was foolish but I was also desperate. Panic controlling my mind and body more than logic did.

"Can we please forget that..?" I turn away from Yoongi-hyung's glare.

"No, you can't. Remember what a mess you turned into and don't think abou.."

"..I wasn't a mess," I defend myself meekly, against the loud voices in my head telling me otherwise.

"We had to come get you, Tae. You had locked yourself for days in your hotel room. You even punched a hotel staff. That's not who you are.." Jiminie places a hand on my arm, stroking it to comfort.

I was wasted then but I still won't punch someone without reason.
That staff had insulted Jin-hyung.
I didn't bother to explain the details to anyone though. They won't even understand but I kinda wished I has done more than just punched him.

"You were even drunk. That's definitely not you." Kook says with a small smile making me chuckle sheepishly.

"So please tell us you won't be that reckless again?" Namjoon-hyung pleads with sad eyes.

I look over at Hobi-hyung. He frowns a little before giving me a single nod.

I know they only want me to be safe but it's not something I can give up on anytime soon. Gnawing on my lower lip, I nodded hesitantly, no intention of keeping any promises.

_________

My car beeps locked and I straighten my coat, heading towards the building for another day of shooting.

"V-oppa, wait.." a female voice calls out from behind and I turn around to meet my co-actor running towards me.

She halts herself just inches away from me and gives me a smile.
"Let's go in together,hmmm?" I nod back in reply and we begin to walk again.

"So...did you have lunch already?" She attempts to make small talk, fidgeting nervously.

I nod again.

"Is that so? Me too..." her voice echoes slightly inside the tiny elevator.

"So...exciting shoot today, huh?" She laughs nervously.
I feel bad for the young girl trying so hard to talk to a stone wall of a person. I feel bad that I seem so stoic but I honestly don't want to bother trying to act social. 

"Umm..it is." I reply but it's far from it. The lead character that I play, fools around with a bunch of girls to get over the death of his first love. Today's scene shows him finally addressing the feelings he's kept locked and he allows himself to fall for one of his play toys, played by the fidgeting girl beside me. I don't understand the plot or what makes it so popular. For episodes, my co-actress was not even a frequent character. But her popularity from the audience rises up and the screen writers just decided that she was gonna be the big shot by the end of the drama.

"You think so too? I can't wait for it. It's honestly such a nice turn to the story, right? I'm glad it won't end so sad for our characters. I was literally ready to bawl my eyes out for the original ending."

I don't understand that either. Why cry over a drama when you can cry over life?

The elevator dings open and we enter the office. The staffs and camera crew are waiting, mildly surprised to see us walk in together.

"You came together? What happened?" My manager squeals in my ear again. A 40 year old man for Pete's sake.

"We met at the parking lot. That's it."

"Hmmmm..but she was all giggly walking in. You sure you didn't talk about anything?"

I change into my outfit, ignoring him.

"Hmmm..but you kinda look good together though, Imagine.." he muses, his glasses glistening.

He says the same thing about every actress I've worked with over the last 3 years. And I never say anything back, not willing to entertain him even the slightest with an argument. I just want him to shut up and I knew how.

"Ok..ok. shutting up right now," he puts his hand up in protest, trying to avoid my death glare.