SCENERY / Taejin

32. What I Truly Want

Seokjin's POV-

"Jin-ah, This is mommy's gift to you for coming first in your class this term. My good,good boy. You said you wanted that panda plushie, didn't you? I bought the biggest one for you. Here you go."

No, I wanted the alpaca. But it's okay, the panda is cute too.

"Seokjin, I'm signing you up for the exchange student program to Australia. You're excited, right?"

No, I'm scared and my english is still bad. I don't want to go.
But if you want me to, it's okay.

"Seokjin, (name) said she won't go out with me unless I bring you along to double date for her friend. You'll help me out, right?"

No, I don't want to. I don't like the girl and I have a test coming up.
But it's okay, you're supposed to help your friends..I guess.

"We want you to come to our audition. It'll be such a waste to keep such visuals hidden. People will absolutely love you. You'll come, right?"

I really don't sing or dance. I want to try acting instead...
or just open a restaurant like I've always planned to.
But it's okay, if it'll make people happy, I'll try my best.

All my life, I've always been the obedient son, brother and friend.
I was the 'kind Jin' who always agreed to anything they asked and never said 'No'.
And people got used to it. Too much that they forgot to ask what I even wanted altogether.

I didn't mind. I've never been one to impose on anyone. I'm not indecisive but it's just that I liked putting people before myself.

One might think it's a flashy reason such as kindness.
But it's actually not.

It was all an act but there's no deeper reason behind it.
I'm a simple person.
I just didn't like confrontations is all.
And if my choices clashed with the other person, there's bound to be friction and arguments.
So I kept mum to avoid all that.

"Jin, you know the sales are never going to be the same after a scandal like this. Our competitors and haters will use every loop holes they can find. I'm sorry to say this considering how much I begged you to join my company years ago....
Let's use the military enlistment as an excuse to cool things down for now.
It's unfortunate but we'll have to let you go."

No, I don't want to. What was so wrong that we have to be punished like this?
I didn't ask for this life. But the years I've spent with the guys had changed my life so much for me to just drop it now.
I don't care much about my reputation or the fame;
I just don't want to leave them yet.
.
.
But it's okay. If this would protect Taehyung and the group..I'll do it.

"But.."

That was the first time I uttered a 'but' aloud.

"Don't tell them. They won't let me go if they know I'm going for good.
Don't tell Tae..."

And that was also the first time I got angry at myself for keeping mum.

When I returned to the apartment late that night, I couldn't even open the door.
The 6 men inside the house,
I've lived with them, seen their goofy faces every single day, eat together, sleep and work with them for so long. I've grown to love them so much, gotten so used to a life with them in it,
I'm scared to move forward without them now.
I don't want to. I want to stay.

So, somebody... please hear me.

After standing outside for ages, I finally made it in quietly. I had to get some sleep and wake up early or breakfast the next morning would be a disaster.
I was about to pass by the living room when I saw him asleep on the sofa.