temporary | d.s.

42 - it was us

I am so fucking stupid. I had it at first that this will never work and if it doesn't, many things will be affected. I didn't just lost a man but I also lost a best friend. I thought I knew him, I thought that he would stay but I was wrong.

I didn't think that he would say that to me, of all people why him? He was the one who saw how it's hard for me to loose my father but for him to rub it on my face, it hurts.

Probably, part of it was my fault. My fault for believing all his bullshit. For falling in a trap. For wanting the attention that I rushed. For thinking we had our own life. More than being heartbroken I just felt stupid. I was so stupid of believing that this would work out but in the end, we've only hurt each other.

None of this would've happen if we didn't continue this, if we didn't pushed this, believing that nothing could go wrong because we shared our interests but we didn't consider the differences. Maybe he's the one who's so uptight and I'm the one who's open.

It just hurts to hear that maybe I'm the one who's stepping on their hearts. Maybe it's the truth the I don't want to admit because I'm so scared of being alone. All that I want is attention and I'm so self centered. Why did this even turned on me? I was the one trying then why am I downing myself? All I ever want was to fix this but I ruined it. Maybe he's right, I was pretending that I know it all but I don't.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I want to cry but there's no tears left. I am drained. I don't have the strength to even pick myself up so I take the day off school. My mom understood what I'm going through so she made an excuse for me. That's what I need, a true person that will give what I need not just what I want. Even if she doesn't know yet, she already knew just by looking at my drained self, she just wanted to help.

I was here all day, at my room, thinking of all the alternative reasons that I should've layed. Maybe we're perfect for each other but we're not made to last. That's the truth that I want to accept after we broke up.

It's been a week since shit happened and slowly, I am healing. Sometimes it's hard because he's always there, even if he's not, he always exists and I hate it. I hate the fact that he still has that affect on me even if I already knew that it will never come back. He will never come back. Sometimes I wish that one day, I would find a note in mh locker or even a text that would make us ok but it never came. I'm still holding on strings that already gave up but I couldn't have the nerve to let go. I fell hard and it hurts. It still hurts.

"Hey, what did I told you? If you want to forget, learn to brush off deep thoughts because you would never win if you keep entertaining what's on your head." Jack comforted. He's been a close and a great friend of mine. Even if I've only known him for a small time, I trust him. He'd given me advices and talks that helped me keep on track.

"Don't mind it. Soon, not now but soon." I confirmed.

"Ok and I believe you." He agreed. "Just stop hurting yourself."

"Psh, I'm used to it. Nothing hurts me anymore." I lied and he knowd it. Actually, everything hurts. Waking up and thinking that the person you loved the most is what could be the death of you. Every memory that keeps flashing through my head hurts because I'm still and never will be able to let that go. Every dream now becmaes a nightmare because as I woke up, Daniel exists anymore. Even if I hurt myself most of the time, I just felt used to the pain.

So before I cried in the middle of the cafeteria, I excused myself to Jack and find the nearest comfort room. Few tears fell but I wiped it off. I refreshen myself before I got out and I didn't expect to see from this this distance the person I've been avoiding the last few days. Daniel James Seavey.

"Are you crying?" He asked and the audacity of him to ask.

"No and why do you care?" I said as I walked pass him.

"I care and I still care." He said keeping up.

I turned around because I'm not having his bullshit. "Why are you even saying that?" I raised my voice and I don't care if everyone's looking. I don't even give a flipping shit, I'm done caring. "To what? To 'fix' me again and when you do, you're going to wreck me. I've seen that move before Daniel, up close from you." I said as I walked away but this asshole keeps catching up as he pulled me into him then we entered an empty room.

"Just hear me out ok? I'm really sorry. I'm an idiot and saying that was too low of me." He admitted.

"Congrats! Now let me go!" I fought.

"Just please stay. I'm really miserable right now. I can't even function without you. I don't know what came over me to even say that and I'm really sorry." He pleades. I don't want to see him right now because he always gets me. No matter how hard I push and tell myself that he's bad, I can't believe it. He always has that in him, one smile then I'm trapped. One sorry then I'm back. I'm the one who's hurting myslef and he just tolerates the damage.

"That's it? One sorry after then we're ok?" I am really trying to toughen myself because I don't know what I would do if I'm around him. "Break a glass then say sorry to it, would that change anything?"

"No but I'm here to try again. To handle you with care that I failed to do but I would now. I will make myslef better for you." He tries to convince me.

"I don't know, you've already wreck me and I don't know that you could piece me back without getting hurt." I admit. I'm so tired of being vulnerable, being weak. "I'm sorry but I don't think it's still you." I lied.

"I know that's why I'm here to prove to you that I can make you mine again. I'm being selfish right now but I don't care because I only want you and I hope that even though you've given me a ton of chances, this time wouldn't be different." He pleads and I can see that he's really hurt.

"So that's it then, beg me to give you another chance then we're going to go back to hurting each other. What makes this sorry, different from the other sorries before? We tried." I reasoned.

"But we didn't tried enough. I'm not begging for a chance anymore." He said and I became confused. "I will prove to you that I'm worthy to earn it before you give it."