Dissolved Completely.

Does it matter?

There always will be sadness. Either your feeling the emotion of sadness or another person is. You may not know it, either because your too happy and having an actual good life. Or maybe your the sad one, the one always thinking about the grey clouds in the sky.
Who knows?
For me, I'm sadness. I'm depression, it's all I am. No matter what, even if someone came into my life and completely changed everything. I would still be depressed.
Does it matter? Sometimes you feel like you don't want the person in your life, well because you push everyone away. Does it really matter tho? Cause eventually, if they don't wanna lose you. They'll hang on until they give up. They don't try tho, they don't try to keep you anymore. They keep everything up to you, than there it is. That's when you realize that you want them in your life, that you want them to keep trying to keep you.
But they gave up trying to keep you. And your stuck, they know they have a hold of your broken heart, punctured too many times. They won't care, your vulnerable.
They know your hurting without them, they know not to try. If they try, it'll make you happy and heal you slightly. When they stop. It breaks slowly.
You guys probably thought things get better, but no. They don't, nothing is perfect and nothing stays okay.
Either it's you're choices that barge in and destroy everything.
They runaway from you, your trying to catch up, but you never do.

It's sad, but maybe that's what depression really is. Another word for being vulnerable. I know I am.
I wish they could feel what we feel, maybe they'll stop hurting us. Or is it really just us? Is it really our fault? For not being able to let anyone in? I'm torn between this. What's happening to me?
Either way tho, in the end you'll get destroyed. No matter what. That is one thing I'm sure of, unless you get lucky and that person really does give a shit about you. Congratulations. Something I'll never have.

"Are you okay?" I was in my room whispering to myself, only because when I write it feels better. Like my thoughts are talking to me. It freaks people out sometimes. "Yeah, I'm just writing..." Ryan looked at me as I waited for him to just leave or do something. "Need anything?" I asked, hoping he would walk away. He chuckled a bit, "No, why?" I feel uneasy about this guy. "Um I don't know, maybe because your staring at me like a creep?" I said in an annoyed tone. "Getting shy already?" He slightly grinned, I rolled my eyes "Go away," he just looked at me and chuckled. "Dude your annoying go away." I said again, "Hey is it a crime to just want to look at you?" Anything but that. "Okay weirdo, go away." I said again, "Alright, fine. I will come back, Im presistant." He chuckled as he walked away. "Asshole..." I said as I tried to go back to writing. Great lost my train of thought. Thanks a lot ass.

Time passed and Tezhaun came up to my room, "Anjelic." I looked at him, "What?" He sat on my bed and laid back. "Ryan left my mom to get some stuff. So how do you feel so far?" I shrugged not answering as I scribbled on the paper I was using to take notes. "Anjelic come on." He said I sighed slightly "He's a little weird" he chuckled as he yawned. "I have to leave back soon, so I suggest you get use to it love." I rolled my eyes chuckling. "If I have too, but it's gonna be so hard." He chuckled again as he looked at the ceiling, "Look if he does something uncomfortable to you, tell me. I'll fix it, okay?" I nodded my head but rolled my eyes. "I mean it Anjelic, you've been through enough these pass free weeks." I sighed deeply, "Okay, I'll tell you." He looked at me and gave a soft smile. "Stop." I chuckled as I put a pillow over his face. "Stop what?" He chuckled pushing it off. "You're being weird, you know I hate that." I chuckled, shaking my head. "Sorry love," he chuckled as he propped up on his elbow. "And dont call me that, your mom might get weird about that." I chuckled looking down at the paper. "I cant help it, it just automatically happens." He replied as he smiled at me, "Besides once I finally ask you out than you wont have a problem with it."
I chuckled, "Haha, your funny Tezhaun." I said as I didnt bother to look at him. "Anjelic, I'm serious though..." I didn't want to look at him. "Seriously?" I said looking at my paper still, "Yes. I never said anything because of Aidan....I thought you guy be together forever....so I pushed the emotions away..."
I sighed softly and finally looked at him, I didn't want him to ever admit this. I don't want anything to happen between us. "Tezhaun....I can't go out with you." I sighed as he did so too. "Why?" He asked as I took a deep breath, "With everything that has happened lately... I don't want to be in a relationship....and your like an-" he cut me off "Enough is heard, just forget about it, okay?"
I sighed seeing the hurt in he tried to hide. "I'm sorry...." he sighed and said "Its fine, besides breaking up with Bianca would suck. So yeah." He got up clearing his throat.
Bianca? Who's that?
"Let's go watch a movie downstairs." He said as he walked out my room. I sighed pushing everything aside and followed downstairs. After that, we didnt speak much throughout the movie. About an hour through the movie his mom finally came home with Ryan. She brought in some stuff, "hey you two, can you help Ryan?" I got up, "Yeah." I went outside to the car as Ryan walked passed me and into the house. I quickly grabbed some stuff and carried it inside the house.
After we put away the stuff and brought them in, she started to cook food. I didnt feel like being around Tezhaun, there was too much tension so I decided to go for a walk. "Is if okay if I go for a walk?" She smiled and nodded, "Be back before 5, okay?" I nodded as I grabbed a jacket and my phone, "Can I come?" Ryan asked as he came from upstairs. "Um....sure..." I said, he followed me out the door as I put on my jacket. He closed the door. I just started walking on the sidewalk as he walked beside me. It was silent for the first 4 minutes until he said, "How old are you now?" He asked. I put my hands in my jacket pocket, "17....you?" I asked as he looked at me. "18, why you here?" I gave him a weird look as he chuckled and said, "You know, why are you living with Miss Manson?" He asked. I sighed as I looked away from him. "Mom is crazy, dad got thrown in jail and has to complete a year of angermanagnent if he wants to get custody of me again." He nodded slowly, "Oh...well your 17...you'll be 18 ny the time he's done." I shrugged, "True, but I'm still a minor at the moment..."
We walked side by side, every time we took a step we brushed against each other slightly. "What about you?" I asked, he sighed as he chuckled though. This left me confused. "I was just being too much trouble, I'm 18 and I need to grow up. I need help, and well Miss Manson offered to help me." I nodded as silence fell upon us again.
He hummed a bit as he started to sing something, I small smile formed as i heard him. It was kinda funny but I tried not to laugh or something. I assumed he saw it, he started to sing louder, I chuckled as he smiled at me repeatedly singing. I laughed as he did too.