Downfall

Chapter 17: This is all just a dream

"I don't love your father anymore"

"what is that supposed to mean?"

"i tried to endure it, i loved your dad, he was the only guy i loved for 18 years, but. but. i can't anymore. i can't do this anymore" 

"what do you mean? can you just tell me, in english please, i can't seem to digest everything. i want to breathe"

"i'm sorry for not telling you this, i don't know how should i say it. how can i? how can i tell you. you and max"

"what? that what mom?"

"that your dad was abusing me for months now"

"abusing?"

"well, when he's mad, he tend to hit me really hard. and that's the reason i got those bruises. i didn't tell you because i don't want you to get mad at your dad. he's still your dad after all"

i can't seem to respond, tears suddenly were falling from my eyes and my mom continued

"You know how much i've put up with your dad's family. how much they mistreated me just because i don't have a work"

"but why? why did it all end up like this?"

"trust me, i don't want for this to happen, but it did"

"is that the reason why you are not coming home?"

"i guess"

"are you hiding something else?"

my mom grew silent and i asked again

"do you.... could you..... could you po-s-sibly have....." i couldn't seem to finish the sentence but i guess my mom got it

"honestly? yes"

out of disbelief, out of anger, out of pain, i can't answer. heavy tears are falling

"i fell in love with another guy"

"in love? how did it ended like this?"

my mom didn't asnwer. Max was just silent the whole time. It seems that Max noticed it already way before that i had. 

then i just cried. 

i wanted to shout but the place was not the right place to do it. 

so i held it in. 

How could this possibly happen? How could our family be destroyed like this. The family that i treasured. the family that's important to me than others. The family that i have been protecting my whole life. is now shattered, shattered into pieces. 

then my mom said another hurtful thing today

"i want you to meet him, if you are okay with that, i want to bring the two of you to our place"

our place? so they have a house now? they are definitely living together

wow! that's what i thought, so much truth in just one day, i was about to break down, to fall, i couldn't handle it anymore. telling us in just one day and expecting for us to accept it? how selfish of her. 

i was beginning to get mad at her but the anger grew much when we came to his house

They were all acting so sweet, my mom is laughing like nothing happened. like no one was hurt. she expects that it was okay for us. i got mad at her

"mom, can we talk, just the two of us, outside"

my mom then followed me and so i began to burst the bubble

"why are you being like this? why are you so insensitive? do you think this is okay for us? like that? you think it's easy?"

"i don't think like that"

"then why are you all being so sweet around him"

"it was a friendly gesture"

"friendly? holding hands? cuddling in the bed? Mom! how can you do this to our dad? i know he has been bad for abusing you, but how can you act like that without him knowing"

"you don't understand"

"then tell me, how can you do this? if you want to break up with him, then tell our father, don't decieved him  like this"

"don't worry, the moment your dad comes home, i'll tell him"

that sentence hurted me a lot

"how can our family turn out like this? i thought we were a happy one, a lot was jealous"

"i tried to protect it but i can't do this anymore Sam"

"But why do you have to have another guy, isn't us enough?"

"i need someone, i need someone to be there when i need him"

"how about us? you are neglecting us"

"i am not neglecting you"

"then why are you doing this?"

"he is my happiness and you won't understand. you have never loved a guy before, so you'd never know"

love? what the hell! does that even exist? what kind of a reason is that? bullshit. full of crap. shitty pants. 

"i hate him"

"what?"

"i hate that guy"

"don't be like that, he's kind. just give a chance. get to know him better and you'll know"

"i don't want to!" my tone got higher

"Samantha! whatever you say! it can't change a thing!" my mom said, she got mad. really mad

so she went back in and i stayed outside the whole night. just crying. all sobbing and screaming. i couldn't understand. it all hurts. the pain just won't go away. how can she act like nothing's wrong? like this is just some small stuff.

what happened to my mother? what happened?

Then Max told me everything. My mom hasn't come home a lot, she would just come back home to get some clothes then after, she'll disappear again. 

How can she leave my brother like that?

My mother was different

----------------------------------------

i can't take this anymore. bad memories are coming through my mind. making me remember it all again. at once.

i hate it. i hate this

can this stop? i don't want to continue