Downfall

Chapter 20: Take a fall

i was in my lowest point of my life. i was in a downfall. i never thought i will rise or have another chance to rise up again. the sunrise feels like just a cold freezing hollow circle. i can't seem to have any enthusiasm either to go to school.

that was the first time in my life that i wanted to quit everything. i took a lot of absenses in school. i take assignments but i don't study. if i fail, then i fail. that was what i was thinking.

i was never afraid to fail for the first time. 

because. i think i already have fallen deeper than i could think of. 

but ofcourse i don't let them see it, let my friends see it. i try to hide it in my smiles, my laughters, my jokes. 

i am now going out to clubs and just partying all night. but don't worry, i don't drink. i vowed to myself that i will never drink. that values still stayed within me

i was in my rebellious stage. the stage where i want to go wild and just live out my life and be happy for once

if i stay home alone, just in a quiet place, i began to think again of the bad stuffs that had happened. and it's just hurt me once again, so that's what i'm avoiding.  a time for myself, a time of silence. i wanted to be everywhere but quiet. 

i even wanted to go to a shooting range. i wanted to shoot all the pain away. i wanted to go to a lazer tag game. i wanted to release every heartaches until i can't feel it anymore

and it did happen. i can't feel the sadness anymore, but it turned out into a bad thing too. i was beginning to care less of all the people i've loved.

i was beginning to not really have to take consideration towards their feelings. i was thinking that if they'll add up to my worries and cause me more dramas, then i'll cut them out of my life.

i wanted less drama because i have too much into my plate right now. 

same goes with boys, i don't have time for them, i've got more to worry than them, than Lucas, specifically. i wasn't really focused to him. i was more focused to my family. to my brother and to my dad. 

I was beginning to be scared for myself, because this is not what i wanted to be. i am beginning to be a hollow woman. just an empty shell made out nothing but just designs. no feelings at all. I am not liking the outcome. I was also beginning to wonder who i really am.

i don't know who the real me is. That made me cry every night, I wanted to go back to my old self, but before i realized it. i was completely broken into pieces

i was a humpty dumpty

Since the wall of my own being, the whole me was gone and broken, i automatically became broken too. throughout all these years, i've lived my life through the values that my mother taught us.

she was my inspiration.

she was my strength

my confidence

my life

myself

but one day, she was gone.

So everything that i have in my life, was gone. my whole being. i was completely shattered after she left. That is the reason why still now, i can't seem to let go. because it made a huge impact in my life. My mom haven't seen the real impact of it, but i know how much it caused.

How much changes it brought to me. that's the reason why i can't seem to understand myself lately because the wall that made me strong and that covered me was gone. she was my support. my base. imagine a bunsen burner without a base? what will happen? it will fall down. 

a downfall will happen

and it really happened to me