Downfall

Chapter 24 : Alive or Dead

Third day and the final day. the end is near and i have to make a decision. yesterday's happening was too shocking that made a great impact in the way i think right now. it's making me more confused than ever. why did he have to tell me that, on the second day. really lucas? Really. 

As i was thinking about the pros and cons of being alive and dead, i still coudn't stop thinking about Lucas. How he said those words " i loved you" it's making my heart ache and shiver. i don't want to die. i want to die. my thoughts are jumbled up, my emotions are all over the place. i don't know what to do anymore and what makes it worst is, this is the last day. i have to make a decision right now. 

but then again, here is my mom, crying and holding my hand tightly, my dad comforting her and doing his best not to cry of fall down because he is the father, the wall of the family. my mother needs him more than anything in this world even though she may receive another comfort from another person, still my dad did what he was supposed to be doing. 

i really hate the guy, i don't know how will the anger ease up. maybe it'll be forever. i can't and will never accept him. because for me, he's the reason for destroying my family (even though it's not yet destroyed since my dad doesn't know it) , he's the reason why my mother has been so distant with us and above all, he's the reason and cause of my possible death that may come any minute now. i know i should't blame him since i was the one who's done it, but i wouldn't have done it if that guy didn't came into our lives and just messed it up. like he did to his family too. 

i think my mom kinda know what happened. i think she knows that i did it to myself. 

"i think she did this to her own" my mom said to my dad

"why did you think of that? it was an accident"

"at first, i really thought it was, and then the doctors found anti-depressants in her body, she was taking it for awhile now"

"so what do you mean, that she took a lot of them?"

"i don't know. but the findings was not a joke either, they said she took many. could this possibly be after the break up?"

oops! that i forgot, of course, doctors can find out what really happened. but i guess they'll just think that i over done for a day. or i don't know. i guess my plan has it's lapses

"why would she do that and besides why did she even drank an anti-depressant pill, is there something i need to know?"

"i don't know"

you know mom, you know it but you just won't accept the reason

"i wonder what was her problem, i asked her friends but they said that she was being normal, all happy and bubbly. the samantha we always knew of"

"i know, that's why i can't understand. but this is my fault, i should have known. i am her mother"

"ssshh, come on honey, don't blame yourself, i am partly to blame too, because i am too busy with our business, i can't seem to find time to hang out with her and just talk to her about her problems"

"what made her do this? oh sammy, why did you do this?"

because you made me do it

gosh, i don't want to blame. 

i guess they really know now. that i didn't die in a car accident, i died because i want to. i did suicide

i hope they didn't tell my friends about it

"let's just keep this a secret, i'll tell the doctors too. they shouldn't know that she did suicide, what if she'll survive, then she can't handle all the talks, she'll get depressed again and maybe do it again"

"how can you say that?"

"it's for the best Kathryn."

"i'm sorry Sam, i really am such a failure. i failed as a mother"

i wouldn't call it as a failure, but you missed something mom. 

while watching my mother blame herself, tears ran down from my face. i just couldn't bare it. whenever i remember it, the harsh reality, coming back to earth, being alive, facing all these lies, i can't stop but just cry. 

then a voice appeared again, out of nowhere and brought me back to the decision room, the room surrounded by white walls that looks like a mental hospital

"so what is your decision now? did it change after being back?"

i was silent for awhile

" i guess my decision is"

*sorry for the looong update and yes, it's a little update, i'll make it up next time! i just have a lot in my plate these days :3 *