Ever had the overwhelming feeling of sadness. Sadness equal to that of losing a family member. It sucks but I constantly have that feel and it only gets worse when a wave of anxiety hits me. A normal day for me feels like hell. I wake up and immediately start smoking tobacco just to get rid of the exhaustion. I climb the stairs and with every step, I wish more and more I was laying down. I hop in the shower making sure the waters as hot as possible, just like cutting the boiling water helps me cope in a fucked up way. So I get out of the shower and am transported to work because I don't have a car.
15min later at Otterbein
"Hey, Alex how was your night", Ann ask me?. She's one of the head culinary supervisors of Otterbein. "It was alright", I tell her which is so far from the truth. I hate lying but I don't want people insisting I go back to the hospital. "Your doing deliveries today. Take this to Asbury". "Great more interaction with residents", I think."Okay", I sighed taking a few deep breaths and do as instructed. Not even halfway to Asbury, my anxiety takes over, my hands shake the food on the trey. Come on you got this I tell myself.
"Are you okay", ask a resident, she looked to be in her fifties? "Yeah, Sniff ...why"? "Your crying honey", she says. I look at my shirt that It's stained with tears. "How the hell did I not realize I was crying", I ask myself. I look back at the sweet older woman."It's just been a tough day", I tell her. In reality, I had only been at work for twenty minutes. The rest of day wave after wave of suicidal thoughts ruined any fucking happiness. By the time it was time to go home I was just ready to sleep. No matter how much I sleep I still feel the same way day after day.
Back home 8:30 pm
I grab a glass shard in my room and dig deep. My only way to cope with the pain. My arm tingles as the anxiety fades. Then I realize the obvious. The pain can be unbearable but I can push through it. It gets my mind off the bad. That's why I crave it when i'm anxious because I can't cope with my feelings. I am reliant on something else to make me happy when i'm feeling low. I don't care if its meds or sharp objects anything but being trapped in my feelings every day is better to me.
YOU ARE READING
All in my head?
Non-FictionWhy fight this pain, when everyday it only becomes easier to go? This is sort of a diary it will become more of a story as the chapters continue. May have mentions of suicide. Might have graphic images, if that bothers you don't read this, check out...
