All in my head?

Therapy

Damn, there will be a lot to talk about today at the doctors. "Should I talk about my obsessive cutting", I ask myself? I definitely need to mention the anxiety that seems to spark up at work. Work, I don't know if it's the people but I feel like when they look at me it's because I'm doing something wrong. Even worse I work in culinary so there knifes every. Every time I see one I just want to cut, so I try to get it away from me as fast as possible. I sorta like my job but it seems all I think about is how useless I am. "Am I useful"? I guess so but it doesn't feel like it. It just feels like work is just another chance for me to mess up. "Hey, Alex, it's time to go", my mom hollers down to me. Huh yeah, guess it is. "I'll be right up", I yell back.

30 mins later at solutions

"Hey Alex you ready to come back", the doctor ask me? I nod and follow her around the corner. "So Alex how have things been", she asks? "Well, I'm not as angry anymore", I say. "Really? Any reason", she asks? Shrug not sure but still decide to respond with the only reasons I can think of. "Well, I've been taking my Concerta daily...I hadn't been and I think I was experiencing withdrawal", I say. I see typing away as soon as my lips stop moving. "I'm glad to hear that. How about the anxiety", she asks. I swear upon hearing the words anxiety its like switch was flipped cause I start to feel my heart rate pick up and a slight headache sets in. Not good I'm constantly having to fight it. "If it was just depression I'd be fine with it but the anxiety just makes things worse", I say. "Okay, why are you fine being depressed", she asks. "I don't know exactly but maybe it's because at least it's a constant feeling, maybe because I'm starting to find depression comfortable", I say. "Gotcha, well if that's the case then I'm not sure how I can help with that.        If you like feeling depressed" - I wouldn't say I like it but it's not anxious. "Alright will focus on the anxiety then, have you tried using the meditation I recommended, cause I see you're still cutting", she asks? "Yeah, I don't think it's for me, I can't even write my fanfictions like I used to because I don't even want to leave my bed. The only time I'm happy is when I'm high on nicotine". "Well, it's important we discuss some other coping mechanisms cause you can't smoke all the time, especially at work". I nod in agreement.

After about an hour of talking, we decided that I practice my breathing before the anxiety gets out of control. Some Exercise was also recommended as she said it will help give me the endorphins I crave from cutting. All in all the session went okay. I just hope I gain the motivation to feel better before its too late.