All in my head?

Scared

I'm scared that if i'm not deppressed when i wake up one day I'll lose will to make these books.
Right now my heart is pounding out of my fucking chest. I'm scared anitey is gonna cause me to lose my shit one day soon.
I'm scared to keep fighting, i can' t see myself living to be even 30 because and i didn't think i' d make it to my 21st birthday.
Every time i feel happy deppression just hits me harder.

I lay in my bed thinking about all these things. None of them make me feel good. I know i want a life but just not my life. "Life? You don't matter" a Voice shouts at me.
"I know, i just wanna lay in my bed and rot" i yell back.
Now another though enters my head.  "What if the guy i like doesn't like me because of all shit i'm dealing with".
The thought of rejection, oddly calms the anxitey. Probably because i love toturing my self with million fucking scenarios that won' t happen.

I've been working alot latley, which sometimes helps me feel better but not latley. It just stress me out. So many damn people asking me how i am. I fucking hate it,  cause i'm not okay.

I thought sleep would help but it hasn't and now i'm getting lazy.

Even with all these negative feelings the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that i can make others feel happy. I can give realtionships my all and make partnet Male/Female dosen't matter. They will be my everything and i'll do everything i can to make sure they are okay.

Sadly i don't know how much longer i'm gonna be here and oldly that is the only thing that doesn't scare me.

I look over at my clock like i do everyday and every day i wish time would stop for me. Even if just for few minutes it'd be peaceful.
Knowing that this will never happen makes things harder.

I'm gonna keep pushing my self through these fears for as long as i can. That is the only thing i can truly promise.