i feel a lot less anxious now that my meds are getting straight.
i look over at my knife and say "no you haven't in three days, you don't need to cut". i feel like i'm just switching up my emotions with drugs.
These last few days have been anxiety free.
Today
I wake up feeling spacey, i assume its because i haven't smoked tobacco in days when that's normally what i do all day. I light up a quick bowl to help me wake up and notice i'm not anxious. I focus on my heart rate which for some reason normally sends me into a panic. That's why i don't take deep breaths. "Fuck yeah"i yell smiling for the first time in a while. I go upstairs quietly so I don't wake my mom. "God can't wait for my new apartment", i whisper to myself. I quickly hop in the shower taking my time just enjoying the warm water.
The only bad thing I've noticed lately is i don't want to eat. So I decided to skip breakfast and go get some Moutain dew at the store. The walk only took about a few mins and then i was at Circle K. "Isn't it a little hot for- the man shuts up once he sees my expression it a sour one. i have a tendency to make hateful faces when i'm not interested in a conversation. he continues on his way with his head down. "Ah did i upset him" laugh in my thoughts. i walk down the aisles looking at all the snacks but having spent a lot of money on Amazon already i only had 3 dollars left. So I end up grabbing a bag of Chex mix and large mountain dew and head to the counter. A nice African American man totals up my items. Hey, bro, I like your ring there" he points. "Thanks, man I got it on amazon 20 bucks i tell him". "Yeah, he says raising up a large chain with skull rings like mine hanging from it. They won't let me wear mine at work so- "That will be $2.64" he says. "You have a nice day bro", i say walking out the store leaving the 3$ on the counter.
it's not until i got back home that i noticed i wasn't okay and that instead, i was going back to being a numb asshole or at least that's how I felt after thinking about how i treated the man back at the store. "why where you like that? he was just saying how hot it was probably just worried about you you idiot" i yell slapping my self multiple times. i rush downstairs and numb up even more until nothing seems interesting. "I gotta fix myself now"!
YOU ARE READING
All in my head?
Non-FictionWhy fight this pain, when everyday it only becomes easier to go? This is sort of a diary it will become more of a story as the chapters continue. May have mentions of suicide. Might have graphic images, if that bothers you don't read this, check out...
