All in my head?

Not the ending we wanted

Can't take it anymore.

When finally think your gonna be okay. Finally your no longer depressed.

Then it hits you harder then before.

Suddenly my mind can only think of ending life.

Dreams are terrible.

Everytime i close my eyes a noose swings in front me. Nothing but blackness is in the background at first.

Then as a smile creeps acrossed my face the noose finds its way around neck. I just hang their broken, crying, reaching for my phone to tell everyone goodbye.

Once my finger touches the screen the noose gets much tighter.

Things grow blacker and my skin feels like its on fire.

Then the dream is over.

I wake up in cold sweat, with calmest heartbeat as if i enjoyed the dream.

Feeling all alone.

I get up out of bed to go to work my chlothes scattered on the floor.

I didn't care to clean them up because it dosn't really matter what i wear anymore.

I go into work once more still hating how evert treats me.

It's not they treat me bad or anything it's just that they want to smile and to work harder.

"Hey alex how are you doing", one of the female coworkers ask me.

I never dare to tell them how absoultley bored, tired and angery i am.

"I'm fine! Anyway how are you doing", i say quickly changing the subject.

She just stares at me with a look of concern. Her eyesight slowly making it's way down to my wrist.

At this point everyone at work knows i cut myself. Not that it's any of their fucking bussiness how i feel about myself.

"Promise your okay", she asks?

At this point i'm already fucking done with be here today.

'Yes i'm fine", i say walking away.

I go back to pots and begin scrubing them.

I turn on my music, the first song that play's sings-

"I wanna die so fucking bad, your the best i've had. Wanna die when i look back because you all always made me sad".

I sing along trying to hold back my tears.

Before i know it feel all alone again.

There are so many smiling, happy people around me all taking about christmas.

But i feel all alone, life sucks.

Only worse

Now here i am writing this i hoped that i would i slowly get of the desire to kill myself. No such luck has happened all these months.

Instead i thought over how and when.

I think it'll be after christmas sometime.

The end:(

I hoped end this book with a happy ending. I'm so sorry i don't think thats going to happen.