I just can't fucken take this anymore. Every single day i can't keep a smile on my face and you know why? I'm too busy thinking of a million ways to end my suffering. what i reallly want to die, at the same time i don't want to leave my friends and family. Knowing for some damn reason they love the fucking mess i am. I don't want anyone's fucken pity i just want to feel nothing and i'm pretty close. The slits are only getting deeper, I've also been smoking way too much tobacco. so much that i can't sleep, i tell myself keep smoking cause then you'll be happy. That last for about ten minutes then i'm back to lighting one up. While wiping imaginary tears from my face cause i'm so depressed i can't even cry. My friends tell me you're better than all that depression. I'm here to tell you no i'm not. All i can do is fake a smile every day hoping that one day i'll actually be happy. i just want to change but i am unwilling to not be depressed because it's surprisingly calming. Until the damn anxiety ruins it. Honstley i don't give a shit i f were to go to hell beause i'm living in one every day. Everyday i feel a little more dead inside and every fucking dau i pray that i'll be happy or my life will end. Now you're probably thinking why haven't i killed myself. I'm scared of not suiciding in my suicide that's why i won't do it. I'm afraid i'll be a vegetable if i do. Although it's hard to see how anything can be worse than being tortured by your own mind. No matter how hard i try to get better it never fucking works because the anxiety is near unbearable. I feel broken and i don't know what to do anymore. I guess i'll just sink into my bed hoping for a better day tomorrow.
YOU ARE READING
All in my head?
NonfiksiWhy fight this pain, when everyday it only becomes easier to go? This is sort of a diary it will become more of a story as the chapters continue. May have mentions of suicide. Might have graphic images, if that bothers you don't read this, check out...
