I feel dead inside. i slit my wrist but it doesn't help anymore. i take pills but they just make me even number. Right now i'm pacing my room writing. I can't stay still, i can't feel my emotions. I just want to walk into traffic and lay there. "Is it worth me fighting anymore", i ask myself? My heart beats slowly i can feel it as i grip the knife. "No you can do this," i tell myself. I know i can if i can stop this numbness. i make one last slit and wipe the blood away trying to focus on something that makes me feel- alive.
i continue writing 4My Violetine fanf4iction but still, feel nothing. With work tomorrow i just want to OD.
4hours later
Still numb i can't take this anymore. I don't know why i haven't ended my life. Is it so damn much to ask that i just sleep forever? "Huh... Maybe things will be better tomorrow? I hope so because i can't keep this up for that i"m sorry.
The next day I feel worse so much for thing getting better. I'm sick as a dog and have the worst cough of my life. My legs feel like they are on fucking fire. So I called off from work at 6: am. They warn me if this keeps happening that i would be fired. "I need this job to move out, goddamnit" i yell. "Why do i even try to make others happy or fall in love," i ask myself? i start Smacking my head trying to make the pain in my legs go away by focusing on another pain source.
People till say, "you're better than all this depression"! i want so badly to be able to agree with them. Everyday things one way or another just keep getting worse which is why i turned away from God. it's hard to keep faith when you go through this shit. Especially when you've tried to kill yourself and know for that i know my chances of getting into heaven are slim. Honestly, i don't fucking care if i ever see this god! I don't feel anything anyways, except feeling anxious. Just like Fabian Secon: said- "I feel as though I've been left to die"! That's me every day because i can see people slowly abandon me. Hell, a guy at work said for me to not talk to his brother or I'd get fired. His reason" all you talk about is death and other dark topics my brothers special to me and i don't want him around that"! Well, i just have one thing to say..."Fuck you i don't care"- i'm too dead inside to care about myself so why would i care what he wants?
YOU ARE READING
All in my head?
Non-FictionWhy fight this pain, when everyday it only becomes easier to go? This is sort of a diary it will become more of a story as the chapters continue. May have mentions of suicide. Might have graphic images, if that bothers you don't read this, check out...
