All in my head?

Can't shake this feeling

Deppression is like a fucking fly. Now matter how hard i try to smash it, it just comes back. Most of tje time i'm not evem sure what i feel, i so used to this feeling of dread and the anxitey that comes with it. Now whenever i feel happy i also feel selfish for being okay.
N
This morning
I open my eyes, my vision blurry. I smoke a ciygetatte the nicotine helps calm my anxiety and wakes me up. I get shaky and my anxitey is just throgh the fucken roof other wise.
I walk upstairs, My room being the basement and already i wish i hadn't gotten out of bed. I feel lazy latley , all i want to do is sleep.
Hey bud you gonna get your shower, my mom asks. I want to say fuck off to every and just have some peace in quite. Instead i just don't say anything and decide to skip my shower. Putting it off intil later.
Not having alot of money can suck, but it won't buy me happiness. Thats what i tell myself as i make s some nutella toast.
30mins later, i'm waiting on transportation to take me to work but they been fucking up latley. Which has now got me feeling anixous. "What if they"re late? I loose my job. My anxiety turns to anger as i omimagin everyway my life could get fucked up today.
Just as my anxiety reached its peak a car pulls up. It's them, i take a deep breath rubbing the cuts on my wrist in a soothing motion until i reach the car door.
So how was your night, he ask me, great i can't fucken sleep unless i'm drugged and my wrist are slit. I mumble and fortunately he could hear me. Its was fine, i sigh.

The car drive was mostly silent. I just turned up my music and ignored everything. For me even though this may seem extremely antisocial, it helps me too stay calm. Or least that's what i tell myself as i blaring guccihighwaters. I'm afraid you can't really save, but i still wanna lay with you until my visionfading" i sing along in my head.

Alright have a nice day mister Alex, kent says. I just ignore him and walk away from transportation.

Work 11:00 My calm is immmedentaly replaced by deppression as it usally does. Hey buddy, good to see you" Mark says" he may be one of the main chefs but just like everyone else i want to just ignore him. I don't though, instead i force a smile on my face, and say that i'm eager to work, when in relality work is just a temporary way for me to escape my sucidal thoughts.
I glance at the calander and its says i'm in the dishroom today. Once i start working i start to feel better until someone sets down a steak knife unfront of me. I pause and stare at it for what i thought was only a few seconds but in reality it was about five minutes.
Realizing this i clean it as fast as possible and get it far away from me.
I continue working only now i feel even more tired and sad then before.  I can't shake this overwhelming feeling anymore.
So i do what i do every day i grit my teeth try to get today over with just so i can sleep.