All in my head?

On Edge

Usually work is a chance for me to get out of my thoughts and focus on something else. Today it was a different story. I was literally cleaning some plates when I suddenly got slammed with dishes. I feel my heart begin to race but am able to calm myself, well this time. I begin scrubbing hard as a can but whatever the fuck was on these trays was so crusty.  "Oh come the fuck on", I yell luckily no one seems to hear me. irritated I begin to slam the trays together in the sink, "fuck it" I yell. At this point, I did the smart thing and went to the restroom to collect myself. I walk inside and I can't hold back the rage I punch the wall causing my knuckles to pop. "Goddamnit", I growl. "Come on deep breaths", I tell myself. "You're alright...Just calm down". Calming down was not so easy especially when thoughts of cutting enter my brain, sadly I had nothing sharp on me. Five minutes passed and I had gotten through the panic. I begin scrubbing dishes once again listening to my music. One of my favorite songs was playing, I think it was Lil Peeps isn't life beautiful. I was feeling good. Then another coworker walks over and sprays water all over me. It was an accident and I got that the thing that pissed me off was that they dirtied up my workspace after I just cleaned it. "Fuck", I mumble and apparently loud enough to catch their attention. Lucky for them they didn't say anything they just looked at me for a brief second. I scrub harder trying to take my anger out this way but as soon as my nail polish starts to come off I feel the anger return with waves of anxiety. I slam the trays once more literally ready to punch the next thing I saw. Instead, I put my both headphones in and played the saddest song I had on my mp3 player. My thinking is that if I was sad I wouldn't be angry. Hours pass before my anxiety fades away and by that time dinner was being served. I took a plate got myself dished up and a got some cherry coke and strawberry ice cream before heading to the cafe. I had fifteen minutes to chill to just clear my thoughts and also get something in my stomach I had worked up an appetite. Four girls make eye contact with me looking me up and down stopping at my nails and the talking amongst themselves. I lock eyes with them, feeling challenged I don't stop staring until they leave. Now its time to get back to work and I had hardly even eaten a thing. I scrub dishes and make a few deliveries this time with no anxiety. Just as shit was looking up hives spread across my body and thoughts of smoking my tobacco enter my mind. I just tell myself "you'll have it later just stay focused".  Before I know it its time to go home but now I panic worried because they keep bringing more pots over. "Yeah, this is not getting done, I say. I just make a plan to clean them tomorrow. I grab my coat and head out the door. "What a long day"    I sigh.