I'm getting tired people thinking that i can just fucking snap my fingers and feel alright. I may used to be able to control the depression, but not anymore. i feel so fucked when i try to fall asleep because 99% i can't. i also hate fighting with people, i just sometimes want just smash the face in. They just make me feel even more anxious, knowing that i just fucked their day up. My day consists of me wanting to smoke myself into a coma. I see people look at me weird cause of the whole goth thing. "Keep looking and my razor will meet those eyes", I think.
I hate people and here's why. They make me feel like shit. People are only nice to me because they know i'm a special needs kid. If they really liked me they'ed leave me alone. The girls at work make me feel so fake. Mainly because i have to act like i give a shit and believe me i wish i did. Sometimes i think i'm just better off alone, then at least i don't hurt anyone's feelings. I have many friends but honestly, my blade is my best friend. It's hard for me to trust people after some of the shit that's happened.
Anger it just keeps getting worse. i'll snap at my mom when she tries to help me. I'll lose my patience at my friends on red dead feeling like they're out to get me. sometimes i just wanna say fuck them, but at the same time, i feel like most of the arguments are just me being an idiot.
No more praying. i don't pray anymore, because it doesn't get me anywhere and because i know, someone like me won't go to heaven. That doesn't really bother me, i think death is peaceful. My emotions are numb so often lately i have no problem dripping redwater, which is why I'd rather be depressed. At least then things feel real.
Don't bother. Don't bother trying to help me. its no use, everyday i'm tortured with thoughts of suicide. Whether it be using a rope, cutting to the bone, drug od, or just dehydration, they all feel like my only option sometimes.
Getting lazy. God knows i'm getting lazy, i don't even want to leave my bed. I have no desire to pleasure myself in any way, then using meds. Though the nicotine just keeps me awake i rely on it to help soothe the anxiety. Now i guess i'll try to seep once more, "what the hell".
The next chapter will be written as a full day of my life.
YOU ARE READING
All in my head?
Non-FictionWhy fight this pain, when everyday it only becomes easier to go? This is sort of a diary it will become more of a story as the chapters continue. May have mentions of suicide. Might have graphic images, if that bothers you don't read this, check out...
