Wedding Ditcher

TWENTY TWO

I couldn't breathe.

Large hands were choking me. Nanlaban ako pero masyado siyang malakas. I didn't have the strength to fight back. To push him. To remove his hands around my neck in order to breathe.

I was surrounded by clear blue water. Hindi ko alam pero parang nakalimutan ko paano lumangoy. Dahil nasa tubig ako, mas lalong mahirap umahon na may nakahawak sa'kin.

This man was trying to drown me.

I kept kicking my feet until I touched the concrete wall. Ibig sabihin wala ako sa dagat, maaaring nasa pool ako. I pushed as hard as I can hanggang sa naangat ako ng konti, exposing half of my head.

Immediately, I shouted for help.

Naaninag ko ang isang pamilyar na mukha. My vision was a bit blurry due to the water. Hindi ko maalala kung saan ko nakita ang lalakeng iyon. But it felt like I knew him already. Like I've known him too long, like there's a connection between us. Wala lang talaga akong ideya kahit konti.

Ang isang kamay niya ay tinulak ang ulo ko pabalik sa ilalim. Sumigaw ako pero agad nakapasok ang tubig sa aking bibig dahil sa malakas niyang pagtulak.

Nakaramdam ako ng dalawang kamay na humawak sa aking pulsuhan. Another hand shaking my arms and a tap on my cheeks.

I opened my eyes only to see my father and younger brother panicking.

Griffin was holding my wrist, si papa naman nakahawak sa aking balikat at ang isang kamay nasa aking pisngi. His warm hands gave me comfort. I hurriedly hugged him.

"Shhh papa's here princess." mahigpit niya akong niyakap. "Panaginip lang 'yon."

My breathing was ragged. We stayed like that until I calmed down. Nag angat ako ng tingin kay Griffin, he looked worried sick. Kumalas ako kay papa at hinarap siya ng maayos.

He wiped the tears on my cheeks. Hindi ko napansing umiyak pala ako. "Is it that dream again?"

I tried to process everything that has happened and slowly nodded.

"It's been two years since you last had that nightmare."

"Was I shouting and crying in my sleep?"

Papa sighed heavily. "Narinig ka ni Griffin na sumisigaw kaya agad niya akong pinuntahan. It's still four in the morning."

Crap.

"Go back to sleep.You may not come to work pero kung gusto mo, pumasok ka kapag mabuti na ang pakiramdam mo." I noticed the lines on his forehead. Tumatanda na nga si papa. "Grif."

Agad iyon naintindihan ng kapatid ko. At times like this, he knows he'll have to look after me.

Tumayo si papa at hinalikan ako sa noo bago umalis.

When I was a little girl, si papa ang kasama ko tuwing may masama akong panaginip. But I know he's tired, so he needs to get some sleep dahil mag ta-trabaho na siya mamaya. As he made his way through my door, I saw Deacon standing there. Hindi ko napansing nand'yan pala siya.

Ilang araw na rin kaming hindi nag-uusap. I kept avoiding him but he wasn't doing the same thing. Hindi ko pa nakalimutan yung ginawa niya.

I am fucking angry at him and other emotions I can't name.

Hindi ko sinabihan si Kieffer, not sure if I should. I'm afraid what he might do to Deacon sa oras na malaman niyang hinalikan ako ng sarili kong kapatid.

Or is he?

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sinabi niya. Paano kami hindi naging magkadugo? How can we not have the same father? Baliw ba siya? Hindi ako sigurado kung nagsasabi siya ng totoo. I mean he was drunk! But it just doesn't make sense. He can't dare kiss me if we're truly siblings by blood.