Tell Me Why (A Jayy Von Monroe FanFic; BoTDF)

Chapter 28; "I Understand."

It was just too hard. I didn't need to keep a smile on right now, but I couldn't do this at every show. I couldn't just break down and have the crowd comforting me at every little trigger. It was our job to them to give them a good night, it wasn't their job to fix mine.

Still, I kept it to myself, passing it off as sparing Jayy the pain I was feeling. I knew I was wrong, lying to myself for my own sake, not even his, but I tried to do it anyway. It kept getting harder though, Jayy not allowing much emotional distance without getting worried, no matter how much of the physical kind he'd give me without a word. It all started to get irritating, Jayy's cuddly, all-too-gentle nature, his willingness to give me seemingly anything to keep me, when in reality it was his fault I was upset at all. If he'd've just left me alone on that stupid fucking swing I'd've lived. I would've been just fine.

But no. Jayy had to make it seem like the good life, like he could take me away from all my problems. I knew the idea was impossible from the start. It was my fault for forgetting Axel too, my fault for trying to give him a last night of peace, which proved to be fatal, but I could've handled Ronnie and all the bullshit in that house. I could've protected Axel if Jayy hadn't dangled an abuse-free life in front of me. If I hadn't been stupid enough to believe in escape. My only escape was when Axel was old enough to run with me, when I could steal Mom's supposed little baby away. I wouldn't have even felt bad taking Axel with me. I refuse to accept that she could possibly love either one of us when she'll still put us through the torture we live, or 'used' to in both cases, with that bitchy hell-raiser of a step-devil.

But just because Mom didn't love us didn't mean anyone else would either. I should've seen that, realized it sooner. I should've understood that day on the swing that no matter who talked to me, I was still alone with Axel in the world. It wouldn't always be that way. Axel would get a girlfriend or a boyfriend, he was too young to show preference, and then it would be me. That's how it always was anyway, and always would me. Just me protecting Axel, me protecting myself, I was alone.

Or I was supposed to be now. I let him get hurt, let him die. It was time to be alone and deal with my punishment for any time spent otherwise. I hadn't suffered enough yet, as I still had people to ease that suffering, the way Axel didn't because I left him, and now it was time to fix that.

Yet even with this knowledge, I knew also that I couldn't just abandon the tour, abandon the others who had to be or felt alone and needed my help. All I had to give was my voice, but I knew the strength a voice gave, especially when put to music. I knew the heart, soul, joy, and pain that could be built into music. The suffering that was required to write some songs, like Serenity's Backlash or Survive, like Lo Siento, or Drawer of Horrors. I knew the fear that could drive you away from music, fears like my own currently, ones that make you retreat into your head, but it's worse there because you've become a musical person, if you weren't cursed or blessed to be one from birth, and when you retreat into your head all you can hear is ideas for songs based on the fear, and lyrics to already existing songs, yours and otherwise. It's enough to drive anyone mad.

So, when Jayy got extra cuddly again, most likely in response to my distance in the week after the Montana almost-incident and the painful conversation that followed with Jenni, it seemed reasonable for me to get irritated.

He sat next to me and tried to lean into my shoulder, his arms wrapping around my waist.

"Jayy..." I sighed, trying to sound gentle, but still get the point across.

"Sup hun?"

I closed my eyes. "Jayy you know what's up."

"Oh come on, I'm just cuddling my girlfriend."

That did it. "Well don't cuz I'm not anymore!"

"You're not... what?" he asked nervously.

"Your girlfriend Jayy!" I thank my lucky star, that's star not stars, I barely had one, if even that, that Jayy and I were the only ones out in the main room. I thank no one for Dahvie's timing.

His eyes widened at me. "Hunter, c'mon, what'd he do?"

Jayy looked down, his face hidden from view. I could take a shot at why. "Don't Dahvie," he said monotonously. "Just... don't."

"Hunter-"

"I said don't Dahv." Jayy said more forcefully.

Dahvie sighed and nodded. "May I ask why?"

"Me first," Jayy whispered humorlessly.

"I just can't anymore Jayy. You're suffocating me. I need my space, my 'physical space'. But... that's not the only reason." I paused. "Jayy, I've been thinking, a lot... since Axel um, 'died'," I forced out. "And this never would've happened if I hadn't tried to get away from Ronnie. This has all been great, and you've been really sweet. You all have," I covered quickly. "But this is too good to be true, I mean, Axel proved it, I shouldn't have been taken out of that house. I wasn't supposed to get an escape."

"Yes you were Hunter. No one's destined to stay in a hell like that. Not when there are other options."

"We found you Hunter, it was supposed to happen because it did," Dahvie said calmly.

"We were both in the right place at the right time Dahvie. That's all."

"This wasn't a coincidence Hunter."

"It had to be! Axel didn't do anything 'wrong'! He wasn't supposed to be dead so this wasn't supposed to happen! I was never supposed to have someone. It's my job to be alone, to stay alone. I can help other people who are, but I don't deserve anyone else. And no one else deserves the shitstorm that follows me around."

"So what now? We won't be back home for a while, you gonna get a ride?" Dahvie asked.

"If I'm allowed to... I intend to finish the tour. There are other people alone, like me, and they need someone to make it easier on them. You guys did that for me. I'm still grateful for the opportunity you guys have given me to do the same for someone else."

Dahvie looked at Jayy questioningly. "I would never take this away from anybody if I could avoid it, and certainly not for breaking up with me," Jayy said. "I'm sorry Hunter. But I understand."