Forever And Ever (BTS)

Chapter 13

dear diary,

i'm not the type to do something like this, write about my feelings in a secret book. but i'm running out of options. no one else understands my opinions, how i think, so i can hardly talk to them. 

i know i'm different. very different. i don't agree with most of what society dictates. i don't think school gets us all the way in life, first of all. i don't think what we learn is enough. and i definitely don't like the fact that we can't choose our subjects. they say it's so that we can try all the fields and make a choice later, but what if you already know what you want? i've known that i want to write lyrics for years. it feels like my destiny. but i'm still forced to learn science, maths, things i will probably never use and forget about once I leave school. 

what's the point?

also, who decided that doctors, lawyers and the like were the best jobs? do people even realise how hard it is being in the arts industry? every time someone looks down on me for wanting to be a lyricist, i just want to scream at them about how hard it is and try to knock some sense into them. since when were certain jobs better than others? a job is a job. either way, you earn money. what's wrong with being okay with earning a little less per day if it makes you happy? even my parents have been brainwashed by society in this case. i hear them telling namjoon that he has to do something in the maths field just because he's good at it. but he's good at literature too, but they ignore that because it's not as good as maths. 

life sucks.

anyway, i'm going to try and keep this diary thing up. i have to say, it is pretty therapeutic. nothing beats talking to my brothers about stuff like this, but again, they don't get it. so diary, be prepared, you're going to get a whole ton of baggage.

also, i'm gonna write in lowercase all the time in here, because i have to think about capitals in school and i can't be bothered. maybe this can symbolise my "rebellion".

yoongi

Everyday, I try to get out of this cage.

I bang on the imaginary iron bars that surround me.

It feels like the outside is getting darker and darker.

Maybe it's because I'm slowly losing hope.

I know I'm determined, but even determination can be beaten down once in a while.

I'm getting pushed down again and again.

And I think I'm losing the strength to get back up.

It's tiring to get back up on my feet.

Namjoon

Dear Diary,

I'm struggling to get through each day. I get hungrier, more tired day by day. I'm starting to realise that I'm putting myself in a tight spot. I hardly have any energy anymore, but I need to keep going. My brothers need me, especially now that Dad doesn't do anything. Speaking of Dad, I'm scared. We've never seen him like this before, and it's honestly terrifying. It's been weeks, and we still don't know how to deal with it. We just try not to tick him off, otherwise he'll try to hit us. He's already gotten to Tae, we can't let him get to one of us again. I think as long as we stick together, we'll be alright. Alright as we can be, at least. 

I love my brothers. They keep me going every single day. There are days when I feel like giving up, like giving in to the tiredness and hunger. But I think about my six younger brothers, and I feel strong again. Deep down though, I know the strength is just a figment of my imagination. I'm just telling myself that I feel better, but eventually, I will always feel worn out. Nonetheless, I will continue taking care of them, putting them before myself, because that is my duty as the oldest and I want to anyway. Maybe I'll take a little break once I really need it, then continue after that. Not yet, though. I still have a bit of energy left.

Jin

Hey Notes,

I still don't know what to name you, so I'll just keep calling you notes for now. I would keep a diary, but a phone is more private. A diary can be opened more easily. I'm the only one who can get into my phone, so only I can read this. 

I've been in dance class for around a month now, and everyone still hates me. I'm still in the dark about the reason for it, but they won't talk to me. I don't remember ever doing anything to them, I only met most of them for the first time in this class. Every week, they distance themselves from me. I still smile at them and say hi though. I've realised that when I act as J-Hope, I do feel lighter, and my problems feel a little less pressing. So far, I've only ever been J-Hope in dance class, but I think I might try to be like him at home too. I still feel lonely, but maybe being J-Hope will help me feel better, happier. In fact, maybe once my brothers see how loud and sunny I can be, they'll hang out with me more. I know I'm a little quieter than them most of the time, and I think that could be one of the reasons why they leave me alone. They could think I like being alone. I don't blame them. I've never been good at telling people what I want. They wouldn't have known that I actually wanted to spend more time with them. 

I think I can express myself better with dance, I feel like everything just pours out through my movement. The only thing that would make it better is, of course, being able to be friends with the rest of the class. I still need to figure that out.

I'll write again soon.

Hobi

Snowy,

Today was different. I remembered something. But it was confusing. It was almost like I was watching myself from inside my own body. Kind of like a first-person POV video game. I saw myself push a girl because she kept asking me if our group could play with a Barbie together with the action toys. I heard myself call her a baby when she cried. I looked at how everyone else just stood still and stared. There was fear in their eyes. I don't know what's happening. I tried to stop myself, but it felt like I had no control at all over my body. All I could do was watch what was going on. I wanted to yell that it wasn't me doing those hurtful things, but then again, it was. I don't know why I can't control what I myself am doing during breaks. It was scary. I'm worried that I'll lose my friends. 

I don't know if I should tell my brothers. They all have so much to deal with, I don't want to add on to their stress. Besides, I don't think they'll know what to do. Who's ever heard of someone who can't control their body? They might think I'm weird and stay away from me. I don't want that. 

Thanks for listening, Snowy. You're my best friend.

Jimin

Brain, 

Why can't you stop putting thoughts of that in my mind? I don't want to think about it! I just want to erase the memories of his hand, of his smirking face that hinted at underlying scorn and anger. I don't want to remember the pain, the sting of the marks on my face. The feeling doesn't go away, even though the physical evidence has disappeared. I'm stuck with the tormenting thoughts of the possibility of it happening again. What if it does? Every little thing sets e off now, what will happen if I get hit again? Can things be worse than they already are? Why, brain, why? Why can't I control you and stop you from planting these memories in the forefront of my thoughts? 

See, I'm going crazy. I've reached the point where I'm talking to my own brain.

Tae

A/N Jungkook doesn't have a diary or anything at the moment because I think he's too young now to be able to write his thoughts down like this.