Forever And Ever (BTS)

Chapter 29

Hobi waited in the studio after school, going through the routine to prepare to help Iki-Ryo. He saw Jimin walk past to go back home and waved goodbye to him. "Hyung, you can use the studio on your own?" Jimin asked. "Sure, you just have to tell the teacher in charge for the day and you can come in whenever!" Hobi replied. He chuckled as Jimin's face turned excited at the thought of being able to have the studio all to himself. Jimin went on his way and Hobi was left to continue waiting for Iki-Ryo. Luckily, he didn't have to wait much longer, as not a few minutes later, Iki-Ryo swaggered in. "Hey Hobi, thanks for helping me out. I owe you," he said, with an aura of coolness that Hobi could only hope to have. "No prob," Hobi replied, slightly cringing at his own use of "prob", but hoping the use of the slang would make him seem cool too. Iki-Ryo plugged his phone into the audio system. "I managed to get the song for the routine from the teacher," he said. Hobi nodded, pleased that they would be able to try the dance with the music at the end, although also wondering why he hadn't thought to do the same and get the music. "Well then, let's get started."

It had been an hour since Hobi started teaching Iki-Ryo. He was impressed, Iki-Ryo was focused while learning the steps and he was executing them almost perfectly already. "Let's take a break before we continue," he said. Iki-Ryo didn't complain, he was as tired as Hobi was from going all out for the past hour. "You're doing so well already, I don't see why you need my help!" Hobi exclaimed as the two took sips of water and used towels to dry themselves off. Iki-Ryo chuckled and shook his head. "Nah, it's all thanks to you. A good student needs a good teacher." Hobi couldn't help but be flattered. The coolest guy in school was complimenting him. "No one's ever been so nice to me before," he muttered, shy to admit such a thing. Iki-Ryo's face turned into one of surprise,"Seriously? But you're so nice to everyone!" Hobi shrugged helplessly, "I guess being nice just isn't enough for them." Iki-Ryo sat down on the floor and patted the spot next to him. "Why don't you tell me about it, I can tell you have a lot on your mind." Hobi quickly shook his head, "No no no, I can't do that. I don't want to pile all my troubles on you. I don't want to burden you." Iki-Ryo beckoned once again, "I want to know, Hobi. I have time, and I want to help." Hobi slowly walked over and got himself comfortable. He was debating with himself in his head.

Am I really going to tell Iki-Ryo about my lack of friends? I barely know him, what if he starts to think I'm a loser?

But then again, what if he's genuinely really nice, and he does help me? Then I'd be able to have friends, and I'll be happy!

How much am I going to tell him?

I know he wants to know everything, but I still don't to burden him too much.

But he seems sincere. And he looks reliable, like he could solve anything...

I'll tell him.

"I just... feel... lonely. But it's not just any normal loneliness. It's the type that washes over you over and over again like waves crashing until it's too much. Even when it's too much, you can't stop it. You just have to try and ride the waves and hope that one day, it will pass. The thing is, most of the time, I lose my balance on top of the waves and fall deep under. Even after all this time, I can't get the hang of it. Each time, the waves seem to get crueler, it's almost as if they're throwing me off on purpose, mocking me. 

I just want one friend. Someone that will spend time with me and talk to me. I want to be able to share my feelings with someone. I know any of my brothers would be willing to listen, but they all have one brother they're a little closer to. I'm closer to no one. I don't have one I can always go to because I know they'll definitely be there. I often feel like they'd choose any of the others over me. I'm last place. I guess that's partly why I love dance, it's one thing I can be first in.

I just want to be loved... Someone to hold me when I'm sad, laugh with me when I'm happy. I want the feeling of arms wrapped around me, to hear a voice soothing me as I cry... I want someone to want to invest their time and love in me. I want to be wanted.

I've tried so hard to get people to like me. I've tried to be nice so much I feel exhausted when I smile too much. Complimenting people makes me feel fake now, I can feel myself slipping away from my own identity. The one who was cheerful just because he wanted to be, not because he wanted to appear likeable for other people. But I don't know what else to do, so I just keep on doing it, pretending every day that I'm overly happy and smiley. But obviously it's not enough for everyone. No matter what I do, I still hear people whispering behind me. I always hear my name, and I know they're saying something bad, but I don't know what I've done to make them hate me.

I did hear someone say that I steal spotlight all the time. I didn't think I was, I thought people knew I was just having fun and enjoy mastering the steps. I guess they misunderstood and thought I was doing it on purpose to make them look bad. It's not true at all. But I decided to make myself look worse because then they might start to like me and be my friends. But I don't like it, I want to be able to freely dance again. It's so hard to intentionally make mistakes when I know I can be so much better. But I know I will never be happy until I have a friend. One true friend."

Tears had formed by the time Hobi finished speaking. Iki-Ryo pat his back, then pulled him in for a brotherly hug. "I'll be your friend, Hobi. You won't have to pretend for me. Now that I know, I can take good care of you and be the best friend you'll ever have." Hobi smiled through his tears. "Thank you Iki-Ryo. You have no idea how much this means to me." Iki-Ryo grinned back. "Call me Ryo, buddy."