Let My Life Be A Lesson

Ellie

My birth mom left when I was five. She didn't tell us, she just left. I'm alright with that. I've taken and understood the thought of her not being able to love anyone else but herself. I'm okay with it. I chose to not talk to her and it makes my life better. I don't consider her as my mother, she's not. She just gave birth to me and didn't want to be in the picture. I had more struggles with it when I was in middle school but after I cut her out of my life officaly in ninth grade, i've gotten better and frankly it helped me move on. Being able to accept that I was never going to have a mother to bond with. I never understood the post with thankful mothers when I myself have never had that. The weird part, I don't have any girl friends with divorced parents and guys I hang out with don't talk about their personal life because they want to just live in the moment and not in the past. It's understanding and I go by that saying as much as I can. I don't enjoy talking much about my life unless its with Carter because I can trust him. 

There are negatives to not having a mother when you grow up. I never have been able to comfort people, I never know what to do. I never got to learn how to use a tampon or what to do about pads. I never had someone to comfort me when my heart was broken from a boy. I never had someone I could feel comfortable to cry near when something bad happen. I didn't have that as a kid, it sucked and can still suck.  I know I won't have her at my wedding because she will find a way to make it about her. Thats what she did when I told her I was rapped, she found a way to somehow make it about her. That was the last time I contacted her.

I have no admerastion for the woman who gave me so much pain. She broke me and made me believe that I should blame myself for her leaving. I never want to see her again and deffintly not her new physco family. I only know her new husbands family, never met hers. 

I will make sure that she never comes near my children and that is a promise. She will only stick around when they are babies and when they break into a toddler stage she is out the door. She'll still send a christmas package and a birthday one, if your lucky, not all of it will be from dollar tree.