Let My Life Be A Lesson

Hatred For Me...

I always wonder to myself why I'm not better then who I try to be around others. I always have to feel like I need to protect myself. I guess that's because I was raised in a house with boys. That's really the only understanding I can get out of my identity.
With all the anger I used to have, it made it much harder to keep friends. But they didn't understand that I didn't control it, that more then anything I wanted it to go away. It was over powering all my thoughts to the point were I felt even more angry because I had no control. I would punch lockers and actually dent them. I would be yelling all the time and constantly losing my temper. I was mad every single day.
After June 7th, after what Cody did, it completely changed me. All the anger went away. I had someone to aim it at now. I was calmer but that came with a lot more struggles. It was so hard to sleep, one reason was because I didn't want to. Any time I closed my eyes I could see Cody's smug face. The other reason was because I was to busy thinking on how horrible one person can be. I invested so many thoughts into this. It drained me of all my energy. After that summer when I returned for my sophomore year, I lost so many friends because none of them could understand what happened and what was happening. They all left. For the most part. They stuck with me all these years with my anger issues and when they finally went away, so did a lot of my friends. Some times I think they liked that version of me better.
One of the few people that I knew that would always be there for me is Carter. Even today, he is still there supporting me and making sure I don't go through this alone. Name another high school boy that would stick with a girl who has tried killing herself, that's cut, burned her wrist, that was raped, and who felt like she was losing her mind. No other high school boy would be able to stick with a girl through all of this making sure they are safe. This summer, while I write this story, I hope I can find a new version of me. Were I can be positive and happy. Learning how to use my kindness more and terminate my anger. That's all I want, I just want people to understand that through all of this, I was still working on making myself better.