Let My Life Be A Lesson

Past Depression

Having a relationship with family never came easy. I don't really talk to my sister Alexa anymore after things she said about my father and sure I live with Jaxson but that doesn't mean I ever see him. The reasoning me and my dad have disagreements and anger with eachother is because of Alexa and Ellie. They both fucked him up bad to were he only sees me as them. That shit ducking  hurts. All I have ever wanted was to make my father proud. 

He doesn't believe me when I say I have no thought of having sex right now because I don't want to be a knocked up teen like all the girls on my mother side. I mean all of the girls. Me and him have a lot of disagreements. I still can't forgive him for how he treated me when he found out about Cody. He yelled at me for two weeks, he didn't show any support which is exactly what I told Carter how he would react. When my dad apoligized, he did it over text. If my father taught me anything, it's that anything over text is bullshit. He constantly tells me that and yet thats how he did it. 

A lot of my depression that I've had was because of my parents, mostly Ellie. The other reasoning is being what Cody did to me. The day after I found out he wouldn't be getting charged, I stayed home crying my eyes out and not moving. I felt hopeless and mad, I got up and found random bottles of pills. I took one by one. Soon it got up to eight pills and I realized what I was doing. I couldn't do this to Carter. I ran to the bathroom and stuck my fingers into my throat and I puked, I kept gagging. It was horrible. I remember falling asleep for hours. 

I have a past of taking random pills and to feel the venom run in my veins. I never did any hard drugs, jsut what ever pills we had in the house. I liked the feeling of something new, I liked the feeling of having depression. I felt like it was me. It's dark to admit that but it's true. It was the only thing I was fimiluar with. Braxton told me that once. That I enjoyed the feeling. I was pissed when he said that, I think the only reasoning for me being mad is that I liked it. 

When me and Braxton broke up, it hurt like hell. But not because I loved him, I never did love him. It was because I had that energy of depression and anger when I was with him. Maybe it's cause I was able to down grade myself. That I felt like I had to protect myself against the world. When we broke up, after a week when I finally healed, I was happier. I felt a bit calmer. I was happier becasue I could finally be with Carter, the one guy that I wanted since the first day I met him. I just ignored those feelings by using Braxton, but that act got old. I know that when I got home, June 7th, the first person I cold was Braxton. To tell him what Cody did. Me and Braxton were still friends at the time, so I used him as my test run. To see how he reacted, to see if I should tell Carter what happened. I don't know why but I just felt like Carter would leave me although he would never do that. 

I have been through hell. I've wished for death countless times. I still have scars from old burns and a few from cuts around my body. I have claw scars left on my  body from me digging into my skin with my nails. I have felt what its like to not sleep for a week. I have felt so many pains imagined. For so long, I never thought I could be happy but Carter came along and changed me completely. He is truly the love of my life.