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oh, you know how much it hurts. every time you say you hate me. —
my head is rested gently on johnny's bare, muscular chest. rising and falling as he sighs, deeply. the thoughts running through his mind right now, i know every single one of them. his anxiety getting the best of him again, having to make a decision that would become an explosive ticking time bong either way it went. this made him queasy and sick. only minutes before we were arguing constantly about the littlest thing, which had been our routine these past few months. both of us have made up. but did we really..
anytime we fight our connection that we once had either each other is gradually fading. there used to be something electric about us. i can't find that anymore. then the two us build one another up slowly until our relationship is so delicate, that we can't damage it even more. one wrong move, word, or action could shatter this relationship as we know it.
the only way johnny and i seem to make up is by expertly and passionately making love. a result of us wanting to take everything back that we'd said and done in our last fight.
it's mental to accept that this is an option or an exception for us to keep going on like this. and that arguing and then being intimate is all that we share together now. no more special moments, it's crumbled down to this. but i'm obsessed and addicted, i know he is too. my friends all say i told you so, and that you guys could've been the "perfect" couple. but it's like we were made to break.
"fucking hell i can't stop this, y/n.." he harshly mumbles underneath his breath. as if it's something we haven't discussed before. "god, just when things are going great for us it's amazing. but now mostly everything between is toxic."
i'm at a loss for words. scrambling words in my head and struggling with thinking of something to say. i only find myself lifting my head up slightly and staring into johnny's emeralds. the second i stare, i feel like i've pushed myself father from him, yet again. the pain sinks into his weary eyes. his arms snake around me, and he holds me close against him with such a tight embrace. he's become extremely vulnerable lately, these actions were taken to be sure that i wouldn't leave him.
"honestly, we can't keep going on like this john," i breathe steadily. "it's not normal and it damn well isn't okay for us to use each other for sex and for whatever we need only when we feel like it." my reply is quite stern.
the room is filled with sniffles and i'm in awe of johnny's sudden change of emotions. "i know, that this was made to be. i don't understand how you can't see it, i can see it.. others can see it. all the stars in the sky can see." voice straining through his tears. stroking his fingers through my hair, curling the ends of it around the tips. one of my weaknesses.
his words sink it. my eyes well up with heavy tears. sitting up and wrapping the comforter around my naked body. it feels wrong. "it's scary, we have to end this soon, john."
"baby," baby. i felt myself melting as he spoke. "you know that i won't and can't leave you. we have to make this work for the sake of us both." johnny's calloused pad of his thumb wipes away his tears, and clears his throat. not trying to acknowledge the fact that he just cried.
a small grin creeps onto my face and i can't help myself, my conscious fighting with me not to. covering both of us with the blankets. our bodies touching, skin to skin.
