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i sat alone and without johnny. craving his love, attention, and affection. the kisses that he always gave to me, so warm. they felt like home and were so damn welcoming.
noticing that he'd been extremely distant with me for the past few weeks. it honestly made my anxiety and depression worse. i'm not openly elated to talk about the subject but it's how i felt.
anytime i was in the room he'd find anyway to avoid me, and if he couldn't avoid me we'd sit in silence. alone, even when he was sitting right next to me.
dinner was take out, here i am putting away the dishes in silence. while johnny is upstairs in the bedroom, getting away from me i assume.
"y/n!" i hear him yell from upstairs. "what?!" i yell back, placing the last dish to dry. "come here!"
my feet slide swiftly against the wooden floor, carrying me up the carpeted stairs.
hand turning around the cooling door knob. johnny's sprawled our in bed, patting the open space that he wants me to sit in. i do so.
"i kind of really have to talk to you about something." he sits up straight, pulling the comforter off of himself. being sure to stay as far away from me as he could. it hurts to know that i can't be enough for him. but, truly he's all that i wanted.
"whatever it is, i want you to know that i love you john," i grab, his hand rubbing circles on the back of it with the pad of my thumb, "so much." he pulls his hand away and stares at me with a look of despair. almost like he had no hope left in the person sitting right next to him, me.
"i don't want to sadden you, over what i'm about to say." doesn't say i love you back, guess i can't do anything fucking right.
two years, two damn years of memories, time, and love. can't be relived, can't be forgotten, but always remembered.
"i'll be sad either way," i breathe, feeling my heart shrivel up a little bit. "you won't talk to me anymore and i don't know what i've done to you. i've done nothing but love you and i know that. that's all i've ever done. nothing is the same with us anymore and i've been trying my hardest to make it work." i push my knees up to my chest, looking down at the large sweatshirt i have on. it's his.
"exactly, we can't make this work anymore." he runs a hand through his hair, making eye contact with me after glaring at the wall the entire time.
"i don't feel those same butterflies, i used to feel every fucking day." he gulps. i'm in between hopeless and pessimistic. my life lives with him no matter where i go.
"and i'm not.. im not trying to break your heart, certainly not.." despairing. i thought that i made him happy, and i thought that i gave him everything he could ever ask for. shit, apparently not.
tears fill the brims of my eyes. i can't cry in front of him, i don't want him to see that this is breaking me. i feel myself get up until he holds my hand. pulling me back down to the bed that i was last sitting on.
"thank you for these past two years, they've helped me grow as a person and helped me discover every part of you. i've been thinking about this constantly and i'm not in this, my mind isn't in this, in us." a tear falls, and i can feel his thumb caress my cheek as he wipes it away. now holding my face.
"johnny please just stop, i can't even look at you right now." two soft fingers are placed underneath my chin, forcing me to look at him.
"i have to tell you, because i can't keep leading you on much longer. this has been driving me insane and i'm so sorry," he pauses, "so fucking sorry, but this is just the way that i feel."
"tell me." i whimper,
he pulls me into him, letting me cry on his shoulder. one last time.
