𝒋𝒗𝒐 𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔࿐

☁︎ calories.

warning: mentions of eating disorder.
(ps, i'd like it if please everyone takes this seriously. this is something that often gets swept under the rug and it means a lot to me personally. because, i've dealt with it as well and still am).
✧ ·˚ ༘ ➷ ·˚. ✧ ·˚ ༘ ➷ ·˚. ✧ ·˚ ༘ ➷ ·˚.࿐

she can't remember when exactly it started occuring again. when she relapsed, and slowly halted the amount of food going into her mouth.

grew tired of the weight she thought she was gaining. as she started to count how many calories were in each food type that she thought of consuming. not wanting to overstep the boundary of eating far more calories than she needed too. that was even a challenge in itself.

from the 2,000 calories she was supposed to eat per day, to eating no more than 1,400. she knew they were just numbers and that they shouldn't mean anything, that her weight was also a bunch of numbers weighing in her brain constantly. conscience screaming at her whenever she even so much as gazed in the mirror, yelling that she wasn't skinny enough.

inevitably, that's when it started again.

meal portions became smaller. making excuses to her friends, and her boyfriend that she'd already eaten. started sipping more green tea. gawking at the tiny white label tucked in the corner to see if the food was worth the calories. worth gaining weight.

she didn't think johnny realized. thought that he had his attention on everything else. his music, album, recording sessions, family, and friends. she knew he paid attention to her however, she didn't know the extent of his awareness. thinking that he was attentive only when talking about her day.

though, he wasn't in the dark happening with her. he stayed silent.

johnny only realised she'd relapsed when one day she was clad in his baggy shirt. the neck material of the shirt drooping down, unable to fit her correctly, showing collarbones. collarbones that were more protruding and visible than they'd ever been. johnny frowned and trailed closer to her, thinking it must have been an hoax. pleading and crying on the inside as he made contact with her body, his arms circling your waist loosely, his heavy arms didn't fit the same. he could now feel how skinny she actually was. that night he cried soundlessly in the apartment bathroom, wondering how he didn't realise it earlier. praying to god that he'd be able to fix his girl.

the following days, johnny observed her. he watched as she ate, green eyes narrowed and dark in concentration. inspecting every crumb of food entering her mouth to make sure she was eating. noticing how she fiddled with her metal spoon. moving the food all over the plate, meanwhile she shot him an unsure smile. he never usually stared like that, and it made her anxious.

came a time when he thought things were better now that he watched her eat. in celebration of this new fact, he made her favorite dish, chicken caesar salad. alongside a tiny vanilla cake that they both could profoundly eat on the couch.

dinner time approached and she sat opposite johnny. frowning and screaming on the inside as he served her the plate in front of her. she didn't want to eat, no matter how excellent he spiced the chicken for her.

calories, calories, and more calories was the only thought prancing around in her head.

skeptically she picked up the spoon, feeling his heavy gaze on her. y/n's eyes flickered from the table to his emeralds, sending him a lopsided, fake smile. the thought of eating this damned food. yet she forcefully ate half of the dish. upon finishing it, she scooted the plate towards the middle, hand out stretching for her glass of water, ridding her mouth from the taste. among ridding the guilt. shouldn't have eaten that much.

johnny scowled at her half empty plate. "mm, why aren't you eating anymore?" he gritted his teeth, an attempt to control his anger. "lovie, you haven't eaten much," he acknowledged, his eyebrows corrugating into a frown. cheeks stained red.

"had a big lunch." a lie.

"pardon?" he questioned cautiously, balancing his left hand on his thigh. fingernails pinching the limb through his trousers, sure to leave a mark under them.

"a close friend." another lie.

"alright," johnny sighed, knowing he couldn't catch her, not like this. "let's have dessert," he declared sternly.

standing from his seat as he trotted to the kitchen to grab the slices he'd already cut. "one for you," he delivered the plate, gently sliding it. "and one for me."

johnny sat down. flashing a grin her way, seeing her sneakily grimace. disgust and displeasure was displayed on her face as she hated the sight of the cake. had it not been for the fact that johnny knew what was wrong with her, he would've have been offended. he could tell a little bit of her wanted to taste the sweet deliciousness, savoring in each vanilla mouthful.

" 's not gonna bite you honey, go on," he offered. "have a taste."

"o-okay," she stammered out, eyes fluttering everywhere but where his gaze lies. breaking the cake up with a long silver dessert spoon, she brought it to her plump lips, wincing. when it fell on her tongue, all she wanted was more. not allowing herself. "it's  n-nice," she scarcely complimented.

"amazing," johnny grinned fully, nearly pelting her spoon at her. "take another bite baby."

she refused and his smile faded. he locked his jaw, muscles growing, and bit the inside of his cheek. now was the time to do something he'd been avoiding for a week, confronting her.

"can't watch you do that to yourself," he whispered, shaking his head in disappointment within himself, feeling as if he'd fucked yo again. the bottom of his chin dipped down before raising his head. "can't watch you do this again and again. okay baby, i can't stand you doing this to yourself for the second time while 'm stood aside, not being able to do anything, but see you slowly destroy yourself," he breathed harshly, feeling his throat gone dry. tears flooded his eyes, threatening to break free from the rim and bust, but he wouldn't allow himself to cry.

"john, i don't-"

"please," he begged softly, close to whimpering. "want to help you, lovie, i really want to. don't wanna have to see you in a hospital room again, close to being lifeless would kill me. you," he sniffled, "have so much to live for and you're.. you're so stunning but you just don't see that."

and i ," he started, "have so much to say but i know it won't be enough. only thing i can do is support you, whether it be verbally, physically or emotionally. can't do anything more, though you can and j know it might be difficult but you could.. you can .. you can start eating more and i know you don't want to do that but you have to. little by little. baby, please, i love you," he exclaimed sadly, his eyes falling to the table.. "for you and i more importantly you, please eat." he sighed, sniffing as a tear fell onto his cheek. "please," he begged one final time.

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