never ever had I thought

Chapter 18

It's Wednesday meaning it's only 2 days till my birthday. I'm with dad and Blake on set today. I haven't heard from Shawn, but I heard Andrew took the plane home last night so I'm pretty sure I'm his manager from today. I'm about to text him, but then I see the computer I worked on on the bus is already on my dad's desk. With 2 coffees, for me and dad, and a juice for Blake. Just what I needed. Coffee. Did Shawn do this? Probably. 

I see a note attached to my cappuccino explaining what my work is today. I send him a snap saying thanks. He quickly returns with a no problem. He still doesn't sound like his usual happy self. Is he mad at me? I check off the the list from an end. First making the route of the tour. Making the dates fit, and putting in rest days as well as travel days. Then moving on to double checking his calendar. The time flies and before I know it, it's lunchtime. We go for lunch in the cafeteria. I don't see Shawn, according to his calendar he's supposed to be here on set. I just don't know where. 

Time flies when you're having fun, which I am not, so it makes sense that lunch is taking forever. I sit staring at my food. I guess I could have made an effort to have fun, but it's hard when you can't stop thinking about a certain popstar ignoring you all of a sudden after trying to kinda kiss you. I can't imagine him wanting to go to the carnival for my birthday now, also because it's not written in his calendar. Nothing is in his calendar Friday at 6 PM. I kept my promise to Maddie and texted her to see how she was doing. I haven't heard anything back.

I finally go back to working on the tour. My dad is attending a meeting, so I'm looking after Blake. He's caught up in his new game for his Nintendo. 

I can't stop thinking about all the questions I have for Shawn. As far as I know, Shawn is attending the same meeting as my dad. I convince Blake to go with me and before I know it we're waiting for the meeting to end. 

I can't hear anything, not even when I press my ear against the wall. Finally, we hear chairs moving on the floor and the door opens. I realize I've had plenty of time to come up with some sort of plan, but I haven't. Guess I'll just improvise. 

First I see dad, and Blake runs over to him. I stay waiting for Shawn to appear. He comes out, but he's not alone. He's with the actor, the one babysitting Blake some days ago, and they're laughing. Shoulders touching. Shawn sees me about three meters away. He doesn't stop, or say goodbye to the girl or ask me anything even though he can very clearly see I am not okay. 

''Hi'' he says walking straight by me. I shake my head at him, at keep walking.

I don't feel like working anymore, so I ask for permission to go back to the hotel with the excuse of being tired. I'm not sure my dad believes me, but he lets me go anyway.

When I get to my room I let all of the feelings building up inside me out. First I have a fight with my pillow, then I forgive it and drown it in tears. I'm not just crying about Shawn. I'm crying because I feel bad over only talking about Shawn on the phone with Ali, I feel bad that I can't send Maddie a text saying: how are you? and really truly want an answer. I hate I've spent all of my time on set with HIM because I now know he doesn't want to spend it with me. He must have known it would hurt me, to just cut me off like that. Did the girl from the coffee shop say something? Did I do something? Maybe he doesn't want to get romantically involved, if that's the case he should have said so. Yes, maybe it would hurt, but not as bad as this. Not knowing WHY he's shutting me out. It feels like he's taking my heart with him and I don't like that he has that kind of control over me at all.

I'm still sad when my dad and brother come back. They brought Chinese food and we sit on dad's king-sized bed eating and watching movies. I almost feel happy. When the movies come to an end I get a snap. It's Shawn. Somewhere deep inside I want it to stay closed, but the big curious part of me opens it straight away. 

It says: Ice cream at 8 PM. 

The weird or scary thing is that that's all he has to write. I know exactly where he wants to meet. And I know the ice cream is to lure me out of the hotel to talk. If he's gonna talk it's going to answer to all of my millions of questions. I text him thumbs up.