never ever had I thought

Chapter 38

I tell Shawn about what Meghan did and he tells me how she looked when he went inside and fired her.

''I'm still banned tho, so how am I gonna be in the video?'' I point out. I've been looking for excuses to not do it all the way to the airport.

''You're not. I took care of that'' Shawn says.

''And think about how good it's gonna look on your college application'' Ali joins in.

''I'm not a very good actor'' I say.

Shawn looks at me ''You were not so bad in 'Snowwhite' ''.

How has he seen that it was in like 7 grade. Then I remember Maddie has a video of me dancing as one the dwarfs and saying something like 'who's that girl in my bed'.

''You're so dead'' I turn to Maddie in the backseat.

After dropping them off at the airport, I realize it can't be long before I'm the one who's leaving Canada. If my dad won't let me go to L.A, the next time I'll see Shawn is Christmas! That's too long.

''Don't think about it, that helps''

''What?'' is he a mind reader now?

''It's just better to take things at it comes. We still have the video and everything. Did you ask Robert about L.A?''

''Not yet. I was busy hitting your crew, remember?''

I use the rest of the day to talk things over with my dad.

He's not sure it's a good idea for me to go to L.A, even when I assure him it's only for a few days, but I think I can change his mind. He's not surprised when I tell him I'm taking Meghan's role, he just seems glad.

''So, are you and Shawn together now?'' he asks. I still can't believe I told him we kissed.

''I have no idea what you're talking about'' I say, but the thing is that I'm not sure anymore. What is the definition of a couple really? The thought of being in a relationship with Shawn Mendes is not any more scaring than being in a relationship with someone else, because he's just Shawn when we're together. His enormous fanbase is just like an extension to his family.

I decide I'm done with the lies and secrets, life is better without them. ''Who's the lady you're sneaking around with?'' I ask my dad.

''How did you see that? Her name is Anna, she's... Andrew's sister''

My dad is dating my...Shawn's manager's sister? That's funny.

''Tell me about her'' I encourage him, and soon he relaxes into the conversation.

The next morning we all arrive at the set, I picked up coffee on the way. I got a snap from shawnmendes1 that he was waiting for me in the makeup trailer. Today is shoot day. I knock on the trailer and come into a storm of perfume and Shawn with blonde hair.

It's a wig but I only realize that when he takes it off. I hand him and the makeup artist a coffee each.

''Yum, paying me off for the 19 coffees?'' Shawn guess.

''18 to go''

Fittings and makeup take a while, but Shawn just patiently sits with me and talks about the VMA's. He also tells me that Lauren and Matt want us to go with them to the movies tonight.

On the way to set Shawn tries to calm my nerves ''I swear it won't be so bad when we get to it. I used to get so nervous for stuff like this, but everyone just wants to help you and make it look good'' he takes my hand.

''Rehearsing already?'' someone says behind us. It's Jake. I look down on our hands and blush.

''I'm really sorry that I hit your niece. It was a moment of poor judgment'' I tell Jake.

''As I said, it's not like she didn't deserve it'' he smiles and moves on.

''Do you know why she didn't come to the party, I was so sure she would'' I ask Shawn.

''Texted her it was canceled. Come on''

Things go so smooth I sometimes completely forget we're being recorded. The kissing scenes were the most awkward. For one, my dad was there but quickly excused himself with an obvious fake phone call. Even though the music video has two kisses, we kissed somewhat about 30 times to get it right. That's the ones on set, the number gets a lot higher if you count the ones that were off the set.

It's clear that we can't make it to the movies with Lauren and Matt so we reschedule.

We're sitting in the sofa on his tour bus waiting to be called back for the last scene. Despite all expectations, we're nearly done with the video, which means I'm going back to New York in a few days. I know that when the video gets released there's no turning back. Thousands of fans will know my name and probably hate me, but I don't really care because it's the ones that don't who matter.