The Future Of Us: The kids grew up!

Explaining

"Hey," Court walks into my room, sitting across from me on the bed "The kids are here, they're confused."

"Well I am too."

"I know that honey, but they deserve an explanation.  They have no idea what is happening.  They're scared, Jen.  This is all a big surprise to them."

I can hear murmurs of them outside my room, the sounds of their voices easing my pain, but still too scared to admit to them that I'm not sure what is going to happen. 

"But what do I say?  They aren't little anymore, I can't just make up some random lie.  I still don't really know what's happening.  This is all a big mess."

"I don't know, but I do know that whatever you say is going to be much better than whatever they read online if anything gets out to the press."

She gets up after a while, giving me a few seconds to pull myself together before letting the kids in.

"Hey mom," they all pile around me on the bed, full of questions as I try to think of what is best to share with them.

"Are you okay?" Ally finally asks, looking around the room at all the remnants from my constant crying "You don't look good... and dad's a mess.  We don't know what to do.  You guys are always telling us what to do, how are we supposed to help you?"

"Dad's a mess?"

I knew he would be upset, but I never expected him to be bad enough that the kids notice it.

"He had to call grandma the other day to make sure he wasn't burning chicken.  He doesn't know how to do anything when you aren't there."

"He's never been the greatest cook.  He'll get better, don't worry."

Kaiden looks up at me, his eyes full of hope, begging for me to give the answers he wants to hear.

"When are you coming back home?" He asks, toying with my emotions as I think of an answer for him. 

My baby has no clue what exactly is going on.  His life could be flipped upside down if we don't get our shit together.  Everything he knows could be changed.

"I don't know, baby.  Dad and I really need to work some things out..."

"What if I promise to never fight with Josh again?  I know that makes you mad.  I'll stop if it gets you to come home."

"Come here," I pull him closer, unable to hide my tears as I'm faced with the raw emotion of my children "Your dad and I love you so much, you are not the reason for this.  We're always going to love you, no matter what happens you're always going to be our baby.  I know this is hard on you, but it is NOT your fault."

"But if I stop fighting then you guys won't have to yell at us, so you won't yell at each other."

"Okay, well if you can stop fighting with Josh, that will help make my life less stressful."

I look up to make sure the other kids are still listening, only to see all of them understandably upset.  Kaid cuddles up closer, pulling the others in with him. 

"I love all of you more than anything, we both do.  I don't know what is going to happen, but we'll always make sure the four of you are put first."

"What about the wedding?  Jake and I were talking... we don't mind having something smaller.  It'll be less stressful for you and dad.  We don't need anything huge."

"Okay look, guys.  You're GOING to have the wedding you want..., Ally, your drama isn't the problem, and Kaid and Josh, you're siblings, you're supposed to argue.  I wouldn't mind if you calmed it down a little, but none of you are the issue.  It's your dad and I, not any of you at all."

"But how can we help?  How can we make it better?"

"I don't know, honey.  I really don't.  We have a lot to work out, but it's between the two of us, and only us."

I walk for a while, pulling all of them closer, thinking about all the happiness they bring me.  All the laughter and fun times we've had with a family, how we're all so happy together, and it pains me to even think of how bad this situation could turn out for them.

"I love your dad.  We love each other, we always have.  That's why we have the four of you.  You guys are our biggest accomplishment, you keep us going.  Things just get hard, happiness isn't always easy, but that doesn't mean that we want to take away from your normal.  Keeping all your lives the same is our priority, no matter what the outcome."

"But we want you to go back, that's the only good outcome."

Josh speaks up, his voice full of emotion as he fights to get the words out.

"It wont be the same if you guys aren't together, fighting over dumb things, or driving us crazy.  That's how it's supposed to be, not this."

"Yeah, you guys have always stuck it out and stayed together.  You're practically lost without each other."

"This isn't easy for us, it really isn't, and it's not what I want, but sometimes you have to do things you don't necessarily want to.  We would not be doing this if it wasn't needed.  Sometimes a little time apart is all you need."

"So you'll be okay in a little?  This will all work out, right?"

"I hope so.  I really do.  30 years together isn't something either of us wants to just throw away.  We've worked hard all these years, and it hasn't been easy.  This is just one of the harder arguments we've had, and it's not going to be easy to get through it, but we will.  No matter what the outcome is, we'll make it through with whatever is best for all of us."

The only sound as I finish is all the sniffling coming from the kids.  It breaks my heart to see them so upset, especially when this is not their fault at all.  They didn't cause our disagreements, they didn't do anything bad at all.  It's all Brad and I.

"We're going to do our best, okay?  We'll stick together through it all, whether that means being together or working together.  We're a family, a team."

"We love you, mom."

"And I love all of you more than you'll ever know."