The Future Of Us: The kids grew up!

Figuring Things Out

Everything aches. 

I try getting out of bed, I try forcing my body up.

But it hurts.  Pain shoots through me.

My head pounds, begging for coffee, or pain meds.  Anything to numb my brain... my thoughts.

Tears fall as I think about everything that is going on.  Everything hits me full force.

My kids are suffering.  My marriage is falling apart, and I have no idea what I need to do.  I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what to do.

But I do know I need to eat.  And Courteney always has the best breakfast food.

"She's still in bed, she's been crying on and off all night..."

"This isn't like her.  We've had arguments before, but I'm scared, Court.  She can hardly keep herself together for the kids.  What if she doesn't want me anymore?  What if I messed up for good?"

As I get closer, I can see Brad's reflection.  He's slumped over, holding his head in his hands, struggling to get his words out.  It hurts me too, seeing him so out of the ordinary.  But the things he said hurt me too.  Just thinking about everything brings me to tears.

Both our lives are a mess right now.  We're both under a lot of stress, we've both cried countless tears the last few days.  But we both know that we're much better together, we worl through everything together, we always have.

"I just miss her, and I said some things that I didn't really mean.  I didn't want to hurt her, I just wasn't clear about what I meant."

I finally walk in, scaring both of them as they jump up from the table turning towards me.  Court quickly walks out of the room, leaving Brad and I alone with the thoughts that have been eating us apart.

He takes one good look at me and his face drops.  He can see through me, see all the pain and fear I've been dealing with.  He knows I'm not okay, that I'm trying to put a brave face on.

"Jen, I'm... I'm sorry."

"I said a lot that I didn't mean.  I didn't realize how hurtful I've been to you.  I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know that, Brad.  But you did.  You hurt me more than you have before, you know I have insecurities and you're supposed to be the person I trust most with them... but you used them all against me.  You turned on me at a time I needed you to support me the most."

"You made me feel bad, like I'm some worthless piece of garbage to you, and it hurts.  Your words hurt me, Brad!"

"But I didn't mean for them to.  I know it was insensitive, but we're always joking, always having fun... I never expected you to feel like this."

He's sincere, I know he is, but it isn't enough.  He should know after 30 years what bothers me the most, but it seems like he didn't care, or like he just doesn't know me anymore, which could possibly be my fault.

"Is this my fault?  Did I not make you aware of what I needed to?  Have we not been sharing enough?"

As I say this, realizing how much I have done wrong in our relationship, I break down.  I think of all the pain I've put him through at different times, all the times I've hurt him not thinking about it, or left him feeling like shit when he didn't deserve it.

"You don't get to blame yourself.  It's both of us, we've both drifted apart.  Life got in the way, our kids took over, but that doesn't mean that we aren't made for each other, that we aren't supposed to fight for each other.  We've been making mistakes, saying things we don't mean, but it's because we're forgetting who we are as a couple, what our foundation has been built on."

"... we haven't been open with each other."

I agree with him, carefully taking in each word he's said, knowing they're all true.  We both have so much room to grow, and we've both made mistakes recently.  We promised each other we would always be open, willing to share with each other, and recently we've lost that intimacy.

"I have never looked at you and seen anything other than that breathtaking 20 year old I met all those years ago.  You've always been the most amazing, beautiful woman in the world.  You're strength, sense of humor, love... everything that makes you who you are is what keeps me going."

"But then why would you say those things, Brad?  Why would you say you miss the old me, or make comments about how I look?  I had to grow up, we both did, but you'll never hear me making comments like that about you."

"Because I never thought they would hurt you.  We've always used humor as a communication, something to keep us sane, and sitting at that dinner, across from people who seem way too serious for us seemed like the perfect time to make you laugh.  I didn't expect your reaction, and I never wanted to hurt you."

He pulls me towards the couch, sitting across from me as he reaches out for my hands, looking in my eyes sincerely.

"You're the best wife and mother anyone could ask for.  You put everyone before yourself, constantly making sure all of us are okay, and I've been taking that for granted.  I've been relying on you to keep me on check way too much recently and you don't deserve that extra stress.  I should have never gone and bought the car, or made the comments, but as much as you're hurting, I was going through something too.  I was losing you, losing you in a way I never thought imaginable.  We were drifting, lovers becoming friends, our marriage being put second to everything else.  I thought doing crazy things would get your attention, maybe bring out the old us, but I was wrong.  I did everything wrong, and I never meant for it to make you feel like it did.  You should feel like the most cherished woman in the world, loved unconditionally, and I took that away from you."

"Brad, stop."

"No, I really messed up.  I need to own up to my mistakes..."

"Brad!"

He stops mid sentence, tearfully staring across from me as I muster up the courage to admit to my mistakes as well.

"I should have opened up and told you what I was feeling.  You didn't know how much pain your words caused, and that's partly my fault for not telling you.  You're right, we drifted, but our job as husband and wife is to acknowledge that and fix it, like we are now.  We still have our chance to keep things good, turn this hard time into something better... if we really want to."

"Well, what do you think?"

"I think you really need to shave that beard if we're working anything out."

"Deal."

He pulls me closer, for the first time in months giving me exactly what I need; the comforting touch of my husband as he wraps his arms around me, leaning in for a kiss.

"I love you," I separate for a few seconds, taking in the moment "Even if that means dealing with hard times."

"I love you even more, baby."

He leans in again for another sweet kiss, this time mixing in more passion to remind me of what I've been missing out on.

"Oh... and I have an idea."

"Hm?"

"I think we should renew our vows, with the kids around."

"Brad, that's the first good idea you've had in months."

"See, there's a reason you keep me around."

This time, I'm the one leaning in for the kiss, welcoming his warm embrace as we pick up where we left off.