Prinxiety One Shots

Day 4 - Salt and Pepper

50 parts! Can I hear a wahoo? (sorry i've watched good omens like three times in the past month)

Because I am stupid, I couldn't think of how to make this not a crackfic and not based on John Mulaney's salt and pepper diner bit. I hope that most of my readers have refined enough taste that they already know it, but in the event that you don't know this iconic sketch, I have helpfully provided the video at the top. (it's just audio but feel free to go and find an animatic or something to it if your eyes get bored of looking at John Mulaney in a hoodie for 6 minutes.)

Okay I actually cannot be convinced that this isn't like,,, very bad, because it doesn't flow at all but I didn't have the time or the energy to fix it, so here, have this pile of trash, I promise tomorrow's will be better

Roman's POV

I heard the small bell ring as I walked into the diner. I had never been there before, because I usually never even leave the house, but hey, Patton said the food was good and also cheap and I have nothing better to do.

The sign said "seat yourself," so I found an empty booth and sat down. I looked around, examining the diner. Then I saw a jukebox.

...This is my destiny.

I stood up to look at the jukebox with the John Mulaney bit already playing out word for word in my mind. It's a shame this isn't called the Salt and Pepper diner, but oh well.

...The stars must have fucking aligned, because this jukebox has both What's New Pussycat and It's Not Unusual. I can play out the entire bit, and it'll probably be worth it if I get kicked out of the diner.

It wasn't three plays for a dollar, it was two, and I only had five bucks, but it'll still have the same effect, right? So I started punching in Tom Jones's What's New Pussycat, trying not to laugh. I looked up for a second to see if anyone was looking, and got distracted right away. The most gorgeous waiter I had ever seen was across the diner taking someone's order. I was so busy drooling over him for a solid minute that I forgot how many plays I had put in. I shrugged and decided to start to put in It's Not Unusual now.

Except here's the thing, I had started to go to select it when said beautiful waiter walked up to me. My singular brain cell wasn't properly functioning I guess, and I must have misclicked because whatever I selected certainly wasn't It's Not Unusual.

"Are you gonna order something or are you going to mess around with our jukebox for half an hour and leave?"

"Oh, I, um, I'll order, uh, just give me a minute." Wow, I really fucked that up, huh? So the waiter left. I went back to the What's New Pussycats, and once I was out of plays, I sat back down at the booth from before.

I sat around as What's New Pussycat started to play for the first time. This was also the first time I had actually heard the song What's New Pussycat. And let me just say, it's disgusting. But it was worth it, because I'm hilarious.

Luckily for me, I happened to sit in the area that Cute Waiter™ was serving. I smiled like a dumbass as he walked up to me.

"Hi, I'm-" Because I'm an idiot, and also kind of an ass, I cut him off.

"Gorgeous?"

"Look, as much as I respect your confidence and also your taste in comedy, hitting on someone while What's New Pussycat plays in the background is illegal. I'm Virgil, I'll be taking care of you today, and please refrain from hitting on me again at least until a better song is playing."

"Yeah, that's fair." I ordered a water and looked at the menu finally. I tried to distract myself from this awful song by focusing on the list of sandwiches the diner had to offer. It didn't work.

Finally, after apparently only two plays of the song, it changed. Not to It's Not Unusual. But to Elvis Presley's Can't Help Falling In Love. Right after that started playing, Virgil came back around to take my order. So naturally, in the most respectful way possible, I tried to hit on him again after I ordered. It didn't go great.

"I don't particularly mind that you're so blatantly flirting with me, but somehow doing that with this song in the background is even worse than What's New Pussycat. How did you mess up that bad that you hit this song?"

"In truth, my brain just went 'hhhhhhh pretty waiter' when I saw you and stopped working. Well, you might as well go unplug the jukebox, because if I can do math correctly, which I usually cannot, there are seven more plays of What's New Pussycat coming up. I'm so sorry."

"Noted." So he walked away and before Can't Help Falling In Love even ended, the jukebox was unplugged so it reset. Thank god.

I sat around and eventually ate in relative silence, feeling vaguely disappointed that I couldn't follow through with the bit. When Virgil came back around to give me the check, I noticed that there was a note with it.

I've made several attempts at flirting with cute guys in the past, and never before has it ended with me getting their number.

Please talk to me about John Mulaney, no one else will.

I laughed a bit to myself at it, quickly putting the attached number in my phone. I went to the front of the diner to pay, and noticed him at another table. I waved, making sure he saw me, then grabbed a mint and walked out the door.

I ended up visiting that diner a lot in the future. Never to completely play out the Salt and Pepper Diner bit, because I didn't have the courage. Plus I didn't want to listen to that song ever again. No, I'm proud to say I come to the diner every so often to visit my boyfriend, AKA the cutest waiter on staff there.

And to think that John Mulaney got my dumb ass a boyfriend.

Ok I made this kind of funny to make up for it being short so it's cool ig. Time to hope and pray that I don't have to do much tomorrow bc it's a whole debacle that takes like 20 minutes to go up into my room, start up my computer, turn on my hotspot so Wattpad will load (because my dad turned off WiFi to my computer during the day :^)), open the doc for that day, then paste the whole chapter into Wattpad bc I cant copy and paste with formatting across platforms on my phone

Ok, I'm done complaining for a bit. I'm just gonna hope that my headache (probably either from dehydration or staring at a screen all night lol) goes away so I can write more :^)

Cheers, queers! 💖💜💙 and remember to hydrate, don't die-drate