There was silence for a while as the four people in the room finally absorbed that what they were currently experiencing was their new reality.
Bjorn was savouring the feeling of Anna in his arms. He couldn't remember the last time she had allowed him to hug her and now he had her he did not know how he had done without her for so long. She smelled the same. 50 years and he knew he would still be able to pick her out in a crowd blind folded. He sighed with content as she wriggled and found her way to that spot between his neck and shoulder that had only ever belonged to her, she tucked her head in and his chin rested on her little headscarf. She had put her arm across his chest. It was like their bodies had remembered what their minds had refused to as they slid into positions that had been theirs together so many years ago. He looked up at Benny and Frida and they looked equally comfortable. Frida was resting her head on his lap looking up into his face while they chatted while Benny's hand was rested on her tummy. Frida's legs were stretched out on the sofa, crossed at the ankles. How many times had he seen them settle in this very same position. Benny looked a different man already.
He was delighted for Benny but right now he was more concerned with who he was holding. He felt like he should treasure every second for he did not know if she would ever allow him to do it again. He felt her weight sink further into him and he looked down to find she was sleeping. He frowned and looked at his watch it was only 1045am. He looked up confused and met Frida's eyes. "Bjorn, take it well. That's the biggest compliment that she can pay you at the moment. She never sleeps now ever at night. She told me, Linda doesn't know the extent of it. Anna, she's still scared, her nightmares are as terrible if not worse than they ever were. If she's sleeping now with you it's because she feels safe enough to do so and that's very rare." Frida told him gently. He was reassured and grateful. "She always did have nightmares, right from when I first met her. They used to be horrendous but they got better as the years went on." he confided "I wonder what triggered them again. "Your divorce" Benny and Frida said in unison. They looked at each other and smiled, enjoying their ability to still read each others minds. "What??" Bjorn was horrified."That's 40 years ago!!" "That's right, she told me one night after Benny and I divorced when we were drinking our sorrows away that she couldn't sleep for them." Benny shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like discussing their divorce. "To be fair to her she's tried all sorts of things, tablets, hypnotherapy, drs, sleep clinics over the years but nothing helps her." Her expression darkened. "Then came Tomas, I remember visiting them and listening to her screaming. He made them so much worse. I was staying for three days and by the middle of the second night I couldn't bear it anymore I went into their room and took her out of there. She was a mess and I won't say what I think of him. She slept with me then for the rest of the time I was there. I extended my stay until I had no choice but to go back . After I left he cut her off from the world" "Why didn't I know any of this?" asked Bjorn quietly. "Because you weren't here and I wasn't here because Russo was starting to get ill. How can she run to her ex husband Bjorn? Lena hates Anna and she would have made your life horrendous, Anna knew it. She has not to my knowledge ever spoken of Tomas to anyone ever again" The silence reigned once more as they all digested the conversation. Bjorn shook his head he couldn't imagine 40 years of nightmares and what that must do to you.
Frida got up of the sofa much to Benny's disappointment, he knew it was too good to last but he felt lucky, he sighed gently. Frida said to Bjorn "stay with her Bjorn, you're all she needs right now. Benny and I are going for a walk maybe down as far as the little beach house. I've been indoors too much recently. I need air and if you're here I can leave her safely." Bjorn nodded peacefully, he had no intention of going anywhere, neither would he allow anything to happen to her. Perhaps she was all he needed right now too."Bjorn, Christian will have to go through it with you properly but if the breech alarm sounds, press the button on her wrist. The shutters will come down. That's all I know." He gently turned her wrist and could see the buttons on the wristband. He nodded and smiled. He made a shooing motion with his free hand. "Will you two go? We will be fine. Take your time"
Frida held out her hand to Benny on the sofa and he took it "Come on Benny let's go" "You want me to come with you?" he asked just to be sure while they were walking to the veranda. " Yes Benny of course, I want to walk with you, spend some time with you, talk with you. It's been a long time since I've seen you and I've missed you. Is that clear enough for you?" She grinned at him cheekily. "Crystal!" he couldn't quite hide the relief he felt as he said it and a genuine smile spread over his face. She held onto his arm while she slipped her shoes on. "Ready?" she asked. He smiled and said "yes, but I'll warn you I can't walk as fast as you anymore." "Benny I'm 72 years old. I'm am old lady who needs a hip replacement, I'm hardly an athlete" she snorted. "Can we just stroll?" she laughed up at him. His heart was full. He stepped down the steps that led to the garden and turned to wait for her smiling. His smile faltered as he saw she was looking perturbed."If you've changed your mind I can stay here" he offered. "Oh Benny stop. I want to be here with you but I fear you might need to help me down the steps" she met his eyes "If you don't mind, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have run down the steps or jumped on you earlier. I was just so excited to see you. I don't tend to wrap my legs around people's waists anymore either" she said ruefully. "I probably broke your back as well, I'm so much heavier than I was, sorry" Benny grinned "It was the best greeting you could ever have given me, you aren't heavy, it's me that's fat and unfit!" He trod back up the steps and offered her his hand smiling as she took it. He helped her down the steps carefully and they strolled down the path towards the beach. "I'm glad you don't wrap your legs round many people anymore" he confided with a twinkle. "I'm honoured and I like the feeling that I'm one of a special few. Your legs were always the death of me" She smiled and said "Shall I let you into a little secret? I haven't done that for more than 30 years. The last person I did that with was you. You're the only one that I trust to catch me. I didn't plan it this morning, it just happened" "Well, who knew! I did catch you after all these years. I can get things right sometimes. I'm truly honoured Frida" Benny said happily. Frida smiled at him. God she loved this man she thought as they walked. She needed to make the most of this time. She may not get the chance again. She frowned to herself as she went over what he'd just said ...."I can get things right sometimes" that was an odd thing to say. "It's good to see Bjorn with Anna, he's waited so long" Benny said "Those years she wouldn't talk to him or see him changed him totally. He was devastated. She's totally the love of his life even if he struggles to admit it. You should have heard him yelling in the car when Christian told him about the armour plated truck and why they had it. I thought he was going to have a stroke, why does she not tell him? "For the same reason he's enraged at any hint of danger to her. She loves him, always has and always will" Frida shared ruefully. "She won't consider telling him anything because she protects him from everything, she protects his children. She even protects Lena for him because she thinks he's happy" Benny was distraught "but he's not!! Lena and him have been at each others throats since soon after they got married!!! And it's only got worse!" Frida soothed him "then hopefully this will give them the chance to sort it out, they have to do it Benny" He sighed as he admitted she was right, meddling had caused massive damage in his life.
By this time they had got down to the beach house and Frida opened the door. She sighed in pleasure. It was beautiful, just one room with a bed in the middle, a piano, a squashy sofa and a tiny kitchenette and piles of books. "Oh Benny look! This is lovely. No wonder Anna told me to come down here with you. It's perfect". She threw herself on the sofa. Benny smiled as he looked round. It WAS lovely he had to admit. "Benny?" "Hmm?" he turned enquiringly "play for me" Frida watched his smile drop off his face like it had never been and her eyes narrowed. "Let's not ruin it Frida" he said quietly. "I don't want to play" "Goran Bror Benny Andersson, in the 50 years I have known you, you have never once refused to play for me. Your refuge is your piano, now you tell me what's going on!" Frida demanded. "NO!" he shouted. He saw her flinch and wanted to say he was sorry but he couldn't stop."If I tell you you won't let me stay here with you. If I tell you, you'll know I don't deserve to be even in the same room as you!" Frida was up off that sofa in a flash. She poked him in the chest "Never! Never will I ever think that!! You're just where I need you to be!" Benny shook his head and started to walk away "You don't need me, no one needs me. It's better if I go." Frida wasn't having any of that. She pulled him back and shoved at him until he staggered back and his legs hit the sofa and he sat down involuntarily. She straddled his lap and sat on him, it forced him to stay and it forced him to meet her eyes. "Benny, this is ME! ME! Talk to me! I NEED you. I do. I can't do this without you. Tell me what's wrong with you. I can't lose you too. I'm not strong enough to lose you as well!" Her tears that she had held back for the most part were pouring down her cheeks now and she pummelled his chest. Benny grabbed her hands to stop her then pulled her tight to his chest. "Stop, stop Frida" he breathed in her ear. "Don't cry, please don't cry" he hushed her desperately "I can't play Frida, It's not that I don't want to, I can't." he whispered. "No one listens to what I have now. I'm too old, too jaded, too drunk" he had tears running down his face Frida leaned back and wiped them away. "Damn you Benny I thought you were dying" she sobbed. "You can't leave me" "I'm not dying" he reassured her "but I'm no good for anything" Frida gave an inelegant sniff and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. "Ok, so I can cope with anything but that. Tell me. Everything". "You'll hate me Frida. I couldn't stand for that" She wiped his tears again and kissed his forehead "Benny, there are plenty of other times when I should have hated you and I never did. Now is going to be no different. Let it go before whatever it is eats you alive" He sighed defeated. "You're not going to let me get away with it are you?" "Nope" "All of it? You want to hear my total disgrace and humiliation?" he was trying to shock her out of it "Yep" "You're going to make me lay myself out at your feet??" "Yep. Wouldn't be the first time" she winked. Benny blushed furiously.
"Benny?" "What?" he looked up at her. "Am I safe to get off you? Promise me you'll stay? My hip is killing me" he sighed. "Come on Frida, I promise I'll stay, get off me and get comfy" "Get comfy?" She got off him carefully and pulled him up. She went and laid on the bed and laid on her side. "Our talking position might work for you?" Benny couldn't help the tears that stung his eyes as his memory slid back to their talks. He took his shoes off and his blazer and got on the bed behind her. He didn't know what to do. "That's not right Benny. I want it all. You know what to do. Surely you haven't forgotten?" "No, never but I don't want to overstep the boundaries I don't know what you want from me. I'll get it wrong" "All of it Benny. You can do it. You won't get it wrong with me" Frida encouraged him quietly. Slowly he moved closer and slid one arm under her head and the other wrapped round her waist. She bought her knees up and his followed as he curled around her. He rested his chin on top of her head. She moved back so that there was no space between them, not an inch. Benny closed his eyes and thanked every god there was. Frida felt him shaking and she twined her fingers around his. She didn't comment for now on the tears she could feel in her hair. She would wait as long as it took for him to relax and open up.
"Mona says I'm old and fat, disgusting and useless, she says my music is rubbish and no one wants to listen to an old has-been like me. She says I'm a dirty old drunk. She won't let me play the piano at home. She says I should be ashamed of myself because I can't play properly anymore" Frida's blood was boiling and she wondered if it was possible to literally blow up. She had sympathy for Bjorn now. "How long has this been going on Benny? Frida asked gently. "I don't remember. Forever maybe. I'm sorry I'm a drunk. I am a drunk. She's right" "Why do you drink Benny?" "Because I can't play, I can't write anything decent, because I fucked up the best thing I ever had" it was wrenched from him. "If I drink I get the relief I got from playing. When I drink I don't have to remember what I did, I don't hear her anymore" he admitted "I drink all the time" Frida was thinking hard. She was heartbroken to see her Benny reduced to this. God help Mona if she ever got hold of her this was psychological warfare!! She wanted to flatten her!
She waited sensing there was more "She says I disgust her, she says I'm disgusting to look at. I've never been able to satisfy her, I've never been enough and she's right I can't do it anymore. Benny the sex machine died decades ago. She likes the money and the kudos. She tells everyone she tamed me" he choked a bit and started to get up to leave. "I'll go, I told you you'd hate me"
Frida gripped his arm and said "You bloody stay with me. You promised you wouldn't leave me. I need you" he subsided and she turned until she faced him. She twined her leg over his and stroked the side of his face gently. "Listen to me Benny. You need to listen. We're too old to mess around . You are the bravest man I've ever met, you've opened your soul today so now I'll return the favour. You are not disgusting, you do not disgust me, quite the opposite and neither are you fat. I've loved you since the day I first met you 50 odd years ago. We've got some bumps in the road in that time but it didn't change a thing. Don't worry I have no hope nor expectation. It is as it is. You're not a has been, you're the most talented man I've ever met. You just need the right people around you to make you play. She kissed him after each point. If you're such a dirty drunk who drinks all the time then how come you haven't had one today? Not one Benny. You know why?? Because you know deep down you're with the people who love you most in the world, who give you fulfillment. You don't need it when you're happy and today you've been happy. It's just you and me now. Today I will sing a little. I know it'll sound terrible I haven't sung for years and today you will play a little because it's just you and me on a beach. No one will hear us if it's shit but we'll have a great time and we'll just keep playing. Benny's tears just kept coming. He slid down the bed a little and buried his head in Frida's chest and sobbed out decades of hurt and anger. Frida understood and she just lay and soothed him for as long as it took for him to be calm and for the storm to pass.
Benny had no idea how much time had passed when he woke, but he woke in a position that he hadn't been in for too many years. He smiled as her perfume assailed his nostrils. He had Frida wrapped in his arms and she was holding onto him just as tightly he was gratified to note. He laid a gentle kiss on her chest and lifted his head. She was fast asleep, he went to move a little but her arms pulled him back even in her sleep. His smile became a grin which faltered a bit when he thought of all he had told her and his mortifying emotional breakdown and yet she was still here. Holding on. She wasn't disgusted or disappointed. He paused as another thought occured to him. Was she lying on her bad hip? He thought she was. God she wouldn't be able to move. He moved and laid on his back. Could he manage it? He thought he could so he moved Frida with the intention of lifting her. He managed to get her on top of him with every intention of moving her down his other side but once she was on top of him he had to pause to enjoy it just for a second. He blinked as he realised Frida's eyes were wide open and laughing at him. "God, I'm so sorry it's not what you think, I never would.." he stuttered horrified" "Shame that" said Frida "I thought my luck was in then. Of course I'm an old woman now. Not quite your thing" "No, no,no I'd love to, I would more than my life " he stumbled over his words "but I can't, I mean it won't even if I wanted it too which I do." He sighed as he realised he'd got himself into a hopeless tangle. Frida chuckled. "This getting old shit isn't elegant is it?" Benny laughed and shook his head "No that's one thing I am sure of " He looked into Frida's eyes and she smiled "Am I too heavy for you?" she asked. "No!! No" he tempered his response a little. He didn't want her to move but didn't know how to say it. He closed his eyes for a second. He felt familiar lips on his, he jumped but she didn't falter. Oh he could die a happy man right now. She deepened the kiss and he allowed her to. It was quiet, peaceful and an affirmation that healed his soul. No one could kiss him like that if they didn't love him and no one could kiss him like that other than Frida. He bought his hands up to frame her beautiful face and to deepen the kiss again. It felt normal for the first time in decades. He could feel a gentle response. Could he trust it? "No,no Benny relax. I feel it too. I do. Trust yourself" he heard Frida whisper. She broke the kiss. He couldn't take his eyes off her. It had been a miracle. She sat up "baby steps Benny" his doubts resurfaced. " We will revisit this later. I think you need to play" she winked "I know you too well, without your music nothing else works. He smiled as he pondered her words. She might be right. She got off the bed and stood stretching. He sat on the side of the bed and put his hands on her hips he turned her to face him. His eyes were level with her breasts. "Which is your bad hip Frida?" "My right, the one I fell on on Sydney. Do you remember? It's left a lasting impression that fall" she laughed. "How can you laugh?" demanded Benny. "You took 10 years off my life that night. I was terrified when you went down and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it" he scowled at the memory. "It wasn't my most elegant moment I'll grant you but it's certainly a memory not to be forgotten!" Frida giggled. Benny sighed and pulled her towards him, between his knees. He leaned his head on her breasts and said "thank you sweet girl for today. I'm more sorry than I could ever even explain for all the pain I've caused you. I'm so sorry and I'll spend the rest of my life paying for it. I've spent the last 36 year paying for it and regretting it. But I've never said it out loud. Sorry."
"Yet we're still here Benny, remember that. Thank you for that but I forgave you long ago. You don't have to keep paying. I'll always love you. Let's go play"
She fetched a cup of water for them to share and went and sat on the piano stool waiting for him. She took a sip as she watched him battle his demons. She gave him an encouraging smile. He sighed and got up and joined her on the stool. "You won't give up?" "Nope" Frida agreed "you're forcing me to play?" "Yep" He huffed crossly as he flung back the piano lid. "What do you want? Be it on your own head!" he growled. "Andante Andante" He put his hands on the keys and got scared. Frida's hand covered his. She lifted his right hand and kissed it before putting it back "If you will?" she said. She hummed the tune softly and Benny gradually accompanied her. By the second verse she was ready to sing and Benny was playing with no hesitation and no mistakes with tears in his eyes. Her voice was lower than normal but hell it was good.
Finally Frida gave the gift of music back to Benny and the beach bore the only witness.
