Leaving Ekero proved to be easier than he had imagined, it was amazing what a bit of confidence and the right company could do for a chap he mused as they made their way back to Vallentuna. He wanted Frida up front with him but didn't think it was wise going through the busier parts of town on their way to Vallentuna. There was silence in the car but it was a comfortable one and Frida was the first to break it when she said "I'm not sure that I believe this is happening Benny, I've wanted this for so long and I'm here but still I worry something will go wrong" she sighed. He smiled as he stopped in front of the house gates and pushed the fob so that they opened "If it makes you feel better Frida I'm terrified" he said honestly "I have nothing to offer you, we have so much to work though and I have so much to make up for that I don't even know where to begin" Frida laughed quietly "What a pair we really are, all that actually matters is that I love you and you said you love me, all the rest will come won't it" "I do love you Frida, more than you will ever realise" he said gently as he pulled into the drive. He closed the gates and made sure they had locked before he got out of the car and opened the door for Frida, she got out and wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him "I'm so happy to be here alone with you and safe. Are you sure that Mona does not know about this place? I don't want to cause you trouble"she fretted. Benny soothed her immediately "No-one knows of Vallentuna except us and Bjorn's older children and grandchildren. It is hidden deeply within a tiny ABBA holding that is only known to Bjorn and now me." Frida relaxed and showed her faith in Benny by dragging her case out eagerly and carrying it up the steps before he realised what she was doing , he scowled and followed her with his case and whispered crossly "That's my job. You should be more careful of your hip" She grinned at him and whispered back "Come on Benny, I just want to get in so that we can talk above a whisper and we can both relax. I want coffee and food and you" Benny melted a little bit and opened the door grabbing her case before she could and walking it straight upstairs so that she wasn't even tempted to lug it up the stairs. He put them in his room and came straight back downstairs to find that she had kicked her shoes off and made sure the door was locked and was making her way to the kitchen. He watched her pottering around the kitchen making coffee, she was so damn beautiful to him and suddenly he was overcome with a storm of nerves what the hell was he even thinking? She wouldn't want him, not really and now he had her here how could he find the strength to face that fact. Every single one of his insecurities crowded into his head and his desperation for a drink hit him like a tidal wave, he broke out in a cold sweat "Oh god Frida help me" he moaned as he fought to stay on his feet.
She turned rapidly surprised by the agony in his voice and not at all sure what had caused this rapid turnaround in his emotions and was horrified to see him struggling to stay on his feet and sweating furiously. Dropping the coffee pot and the coffee she rushed to hold him tightly and said "My god Benny, what's happened to you?" "You're finally here and you'll hate me. You should hate me. I hate myself" She could feel him shaking and his sweat was even soaking through her clothes. She dragged him to the kitchen chair and made him sit down "I can't do this" he said "you deserve someone so much better, someone who isn't a dirty fat drunk. I can't imagine what I was thinking. I can't repair the damage I did to you, I can't take it back. I can't love you like you deserve, I'm useless, fucking useless." Frida hushed him gently, she had not expected this breakdown so soon but as she thought about it made a horrible kind of sense. Her eyes took on a determined glint as she decided that it might be a good thing, they would ride out this storm first and then rebuild for she knew that she would never leave him now. She could admit that she had made mistakes when they had broken up, she hadn't coped with his alcoholism well the first time round and she knew if she had faced it head on and helped him properly instead of burying her head in the sand and ignoring it and arguing and blaming him constantly they would likely have made it over the bump in the road that was Mona. The damage that woman had done to Benny was unforgivable but she would make a start on fixing it today.
"Benny darling when did you last have a drink?" "I don't know, 2 days maybe. I wanted to stop for you" he mumbled "God, I'm so fucking proud of you Benny, I think all of this emotion might have caused a bit of a reaction darling. You're having a panic attack by the looks of it. I won't mind if you have to have one, it's a bit much for you to go totally cold turkey my love. You've been drinking every day for years" Frida hadn't let go yet and she sank to her knees in front of him on the kitchen floor. She made him look at her "Benny listen to me I love you. I love everything about you and I've spent 30 odd years missing you. I loved you 50 years ago and I love you now and I've never stopped. Never!!" she told him firmly. " I want you to stop drinking for yourself, for your health but if you can't I'm still staying with you. For better or for worse, I'll take whatever you can give me. If you can't stop it's ok, I still love you regardless and maybe in time we can work on it my love." Benny couldn't believe what she was saying and choked "You can't possibly mean that Frida. I'm a mess and a total liability" Frida sighed gently "I grieve for both of us Benny. I should have helped you and supported you properly the first time around and I've regretted that forever" Benny snorted and spat "I was such an arsehole I probably wouldn't have let you my darling girl" "Be that as it may I should have tried harder and I know in my heart I didn't, I didn't try as hard as I could have done and I'm sorry" She got to her feet and pulled him to his, he was soaking wet and shivering and she couldn't deny that she was concerned, she went with her gut feeling "Benny do you want a drink or do you need a drink? There's a difference you know. "I don't want it Frida, I don't want it because I do know I've got a problem" he was starting to stutter a bit now because his teeth were chattering "I don't want it because it made me make you leave me but I think I need it because I'm a drunk who can't function without it" Frida considered his words "Would you like me to get you a small drink to take the edge off?" Benny focused on her and asked "Why would you do that for me?" "Because you've gone cold turkey and I hate seeing you suffer like this, it breaks my heart, I think a gentler withdrawal would work better for you if you're going to do it darling" Frida replied carefully. "You'd have more chance of sticking to your plan"
Frida took hold of his hand and took him upstairs, he was cold and sweaty and shivering and barely able to move so she thought she'd take him back to their past and do something they used to do together to relax all the time. It also gave them time to talk and they needed that now more than she thought they ever had.
She took him into the bathroom and sat him on the stool and started running a warm bath, she rummaged in the cupboards for some bubble bath and found some bubblegum scented children's stuff. She giggled and rolled her eyes as she dumped it in the water, obviously a left over from a visit by Bjorn and Anna's younger grandchildren. She made a mental note to add some suitable bubble bath to the shopping list. She turned back to Benny who was looking dazed and terrified at the same time. "It's ok Benny" she soothed "this will pass my darling, come on let's get settled" she tested the water and started shedding her clothes right there and then. His eyes seemed to be firmly stuck to the floor and when she was just in her underwear she stepped towards him and said "We've been here before Benny. Look at me darling, it's going to be ok" he shook his head and said ""I can't look at you Frida, it makes me want what I can't have" "Oh Benny baby I want you to have it, I'm giving it to you right now, I'm always going to be yours no matter how much you push me away" He finally met her eyes and she smiled at him. "Join me in the bath? It'll help us both. Remember?" Benny whispered "When will you realise I remember everything about you? About us? It haunts me" Frida had to strain to hear him "then let's make us some new memories darling" she realised that Benny was self conscious so she didn't push, she divested herself of her underwear and climbed into the bath grabbing soap and a sponge on the way in, she settled in the water. "Right, I'm in. I've closed my eyes Benny. Hurry up or the bath will overflow" she heard him sigh and get up "Why are you doing this?" he asked "because you're cold and sweaty, because I love you, because I want you and as Bjorn says to Anna I want our normal back" came her gentle reply. He sighed again as he turned the water off" "Open your eyes Frida, you might as well see it all" she felt his hand trail through the water as if he wanted to touch her but he pulled back at the last minute. She shook her head no. "I want you to be comfortable with me first" she heard movement and the rustling of clothes "I am" came his pained protest "but this is different" "I saw you last week Benny and you made me wet, twice. Nothing's changed even though I'm old and wrinkly" "Move Frida" he said gently, she was easing his mind "move forward and let me in. I need to be the one holding you right now and open your eyes. It's ok". Frida shifted herself forward and held her breath as he slowly got in the bath and settled behind her and tugging her backwards firmly so that she was totally cocooned against his chest and in his arms. Frida couldn't help her moan of contentment "God I've been waiting for this, I've missed you so much" she mumbled. He stroked her hair out of her face and wrapped his arms tightly around her, enjoying the fact that she was naked, wet and plastered against him. His forehead dropped to her shoulder and he took a breath then laid a kiss on her neck. " You do want me here" he breathed " I do, I really do" she whispered calmly. He relaxed then and twined his fingers though hers, she tucked her head under his chin and peace reigned while he gathered his mind. "I didn't envisage our second reconciliation smelling of strawberry bubblegum" he mumbled eventually "but it's memorable" his grip tightened on her as she giggled "me neither, but it's all I could find" she grabbed the sponge and soaped it and sat forward "Would you mind washing my back?" She wanted him to be comfortable with her body again, he took the sponge from her with no hesitation and took his time over doing what she'd asked of him. It had an effect on both of them and she cleared her throat and asked if he was ok. "I'm having a bit of trouble believing that I'm here with you and you're letting me do this" he shared carefully "I've dreamed of those days with you. I remember this. I'm so bloody grateful Frida" "This isn't one sided Benny I'm bloody grateful too. I can't believe we've got this far, I didn't know how you would feel. I've hidden how I feel for so long, its second nature" Frida said quietly. "I didn't know that you could love me all this time" Benny said miserably "I thought you hated me, you should have. I thought that's why you went to Switzerland, because you couldn't bear the sight of me" Frida sighed "Oh Benny, that is true but not in the way you think. I didn't go because I hated you, I went because I loved you and I was a coward, I wasn't strong enough to watch you with Mona" He felt her shudder "you had a baby and I thought my heart would break, I was too old. I was 36 and a workaholic. I went because I couldn't bear the world looking at this washed up old hag who couldn't make her marriage work and comparing me to the wonderful life you had. I went because I didn't want to make your life more difficult than it had to be. At the time you told me you loved her more than me. You told me that you wanted a life with her and that she was pregnant" she leaned back against him and pulled his arms around her again and leaned her cheek on his forearm. She felt his chest expand as he took a huge breath "I lied to you Frida and I'm so fucking sorry. It was a one night stand, that's all it was ever supposed to be. I was drinking so bloody much that I barely knew what I was doing half the time. I don't remember a lot of that time. I didn't know she was pregnant, she hassled me endlessly and it made me drink more. I told you those things because I couldn't face you, I couldn't stand to see my guilt reflected in your eyes. I didn't deserve you, I hated myself so much and I was sure you must hate me too so I pushed you away" "and I never questioned you because I loved you and I was humiliated, I didn't know how to deal with your drinking Benny and I'm sorry too" she sniffled. "Frida?? Are you crying?? God don't cry, it kills me when you cry. You have no reason to be sorry! This is all on me darling." Frida moved and Benny's heart fell as he thought she was leaving. She caught his eye as she turned and this time she read him well "oh no Benny. No, no, no. I'm not fucking leaving this room until we've talked every bloody bit of this out. I'm just moving because I want to see you" she grabbed his chin and made him look at her " I wasn't going to do this today, I just wanted you but maybe this is best, maybe we need this now. I want you Benny Andersson. Make no mistake about that and I'm going nowhere" She was magnificent he thought as she finished saying her piece and made herself comfortable lying on him chest to chest. He shifted gladly to accommodate her and revelled in her weight. He was shocked though to hear a sudden giggle, in the middle of all this angst. She stroked his beard like she always used to and said "I'd forgotten how much I really missed your chest hair" she looked him in the eye for a moment and winked at him. His lips twitched and he couldn't help a quiet chuckle "I'm glad" he whispered and his arms tightened around her momentarily "Why didn't you leave ABBA?" he asked "Why didn't you end it? It's no less than Bjorn and I deserved" Frida frowned and said "it isn't pretty Benny" "You said we'd share everything Frida"Benny reminded her quietly "Because it was a battle between the two sides, I couldn't leave Anna and she wasn't yet ready to leave Bjorn and she wasn't well. She really did become a little bit unhinged for a while when Bjorn actually married Lena and we were sure you two were trying to push us to our limits and make us go" Benny shifted uncomfortably as he admitted that this had been the case for both him and Bjorn but perversely they had created their best music in the midst of this battle between the two sides. He said as much and Frida agreed "Anna and I were absolutely determined to sing on until the bitter end and we did" She smiled at him with tears in her eyes, "We were all young and stupid. I'd have forgiven a one night stand Benny and so would Anna. Abba made us all lose focus on US and we were all having issues that we should have worked through. But the minute you told me you loved her more than me I let you go" Benny closed his eyes in a vain effort to stop the tears "I love Ludwig Frida, I do and I can't and won't regret him but I regret the circumstances of his conception and I regret ever lying to you and cheating on you" he combed his fingers through her hair and kissed her hair gently "I've paid a heavy price for it Frida, that should make you feel better." "It doesn't Benny, I had no fucking idea what she was doing to you, if I'd have known I'd have taken her on decades ago. You don't deserve what has happened to you. It's mental torture" Frida spat "Benny, why did you accept it? Why didn't you leave? It tears me apart to see you like this. Doubting anything and everything, hiding yourself, not eating, not playing" Much to her alarm she felt Benny start to shiver again and his hands were shaking. Even in the warm water she could feel the cold sweat breaking out again on his body " I can't tell you" he moaned genuinely distressed "You can Benny and you will. I love you. I'll always love you" "I can't Frida!! I just can't" his distress became monumental and he couldn't control the racking sobs that tore through him. She soothed him with her weight, she soothed him with her voice and her touch and he could hear her through the malestrom of emotion that assaulted him. If he'd thought his emotional meltdown was bad at Anna's beach house this one felt like it was ripping his very soul out. Eventually he ran out of energy and lay spent and weak in the rapidly cooling water of the bath and wonder of wonders she was still here, still holding on. He opened his swollen eyes and whispered hoarsely "when you left for Switzerland there was no hope for me, no light at the end of the tunnel and whatever Mona dealt me was less than the punishment I deserved for hurting you. There was nowhere to go, it was a mess of my own making, a punishment of my own design. I deserved everything. I was everything she said I was. I am everything she said I was"
"Benny Andersson, you humble me. You are the bravest man I've ever met and you are none of the things she's made you believe. I have loved you for nearly 50 years. I've never ever hated you. "I went to Switzerland to find peace. I didn't want to stand in your way. It wasn't done to hurt you" "Frida, it's one of the wounds that I will carry with me until the day that I die. I remember the day that Anna married Tomas Bjorn was the one who was unhinged. That night we sat and drank Viggso dry. The same thing happened when you married Russo but it was me who lost my mind and I had no right at all. I did want you to be happy. Were you? You deserved to be" Frida sighed and said "Yes Benny I was at peace and content. I made a life for myself. It was the calm I needed after you and ABBA. I loved Russo I can't deny it and he put me back together again in a way but it wasn't one of life's great passions. We were best friends and companions and he knew it. His death hit me very hard though. It was a long road to travel so soon after Lisa Lotte died, then I was the one unhinged and when you turned up for both funerals I couldn't have been more grateful. You're lucky I didn't fling myself at you then" "I wish you had Frida, I wanted to be the one stood with you and I couldn't, I'd lost my right. I drank myself to total oblivion for weeks after Russo's funeral and actually made myself ill" Frida was shocked "Why?" she asked gently "because I knew you were suffering, I felt it and there was nothing I could do. I ended up in hospital with a raging liver infection and Bjorn got me out and took me to Viggso. Somehow he managed to hide it from the world. I still don't know how" Frida was devastated for him and said "I didn't know Benny, I would have come for you" "I never would have let you see me like that darling" he told her to comfort her.
There was silence for a while as they both digested the emotional conversation and then Frida said quietly "it changes nothing for me Benny. Anna being ill has focused my mind more than anything else ever could. I want to spend time with you before it's too late, before we are too old. It's made me wonder what I'm waiting for, why I'm loving you from afar". His arms tightened around her and for the first time he took the lead and he instigated a kiss with Frida that was for him filled with love, relief, peace, acceptance and healing. He didn't care what he would face, he loved her as much if not more than she did him and he would make her wait no more.
