Benny ended up driving them home Bjorn was absolutely numb and totally unable to function. Christian had reassured him endlessly but Bjorn had taken more than he could cope with and he was utterly unresponsive.
They had gone back upstairs and Christian had said he needed to go and collect Anna and Frida. Benny took over and got Bjorn in the truck and he had been determined that he would get them out and home back to Vallentuna. He drove down to the gates and as he had Christian right behind him he felt much better. Benny got them out and drove them home without incident and poor Bjorn never said a word. Not one word.
The gates closed behind them at Vallentuna and Benny got out, they'd take the truck back tomorrow. Now was not the time. He went round to Bjorn's side and opened the passenger door and said gently "Come on my friend let's go indoors. You can let it all go indoors" Bjorn didn't even blink. Benny put a hand on his arm and shook it "Bjorn, come on move" he tugged at Bjorn's arm and Bjorn turned his head and met Benny's eyes. Benny read total devastation in there and a hopelessness that worried him. "Come on up! Let's go" He pulled at Bjorn until he was standing and walked him to the house.
Benny sat Bjorn on the sofa and took his own jacket off and put the keys down. "Give me your phone" Bjorn gave it to him with no question. Benny rang Lena and said without preamble "Lena, it's Benny. Bjorn won't be home tonight I'm afraid. He ate seafood for lunch and has a nasty bout of food poisoning. He can't even get off the toilet and he's throwing up everywhere" This excuse was a calculated clever one by Benny for he knew the response he would get. Lena did not disappoint and was predictably disgusted and said basically that she had plans and visitors coming to the house, she had no time to look after him. She did not even ask how he was or where they were. Benny was secretly delighted. He hung up rapidly and went to make them both a strong drink.
Christian had collected Anna and Frida and in between Anna throwing up in the truck he had told them of Benny and Bjorn's visit. "He came?" asked Anna surprised. "He wanted to see the archive Mama" "Oh Christian, that wasn't for him to see. I've protected him for so long. Why?"she wasn't angry with Christian. Her discussions with Frida over the last few days had convinced her that there were too many secrets and she had to start letting them go. Not all of them though she thought. "Because he needed to know what you were up against" "What archive?" asked Frida. Anna threw up again and then admitted "there's an archive in the cellar of all the breeches, all the threat to me and us, all the CCTV footage. Right up till now. All the stalkers, all the harassment. Everything." Anna sighed. "I kept it all in case anything did happen to me" she sighed and threw up again. "Jesus!" She swore, "this is making me sweat!"
"What happened?" asked Frida. "I took them in there and Papa couldn't stand up. He had to sit on the floor. He couldn't speak. He was distraught Mama. I've never seen him like that. Benny had to talk him round." Anna was in no fit state to answer at that point but she was listening. "He went through every bloody year Mama and he was so angry." "With me??"Anna was heartbroken. "No!! Mama NO! never with you. He was angry that you had suffered alone for so long. He was angry he didn't know. Devastated that he never questioned it. He was heartbroken Mama I've never seen anything like it. My strong Papa went down like he couldn't hold himself up anymore." Frida had tears in her eyes. "Why?"moaned Anna as she threw up again "It was too much for him Mama. He needs to protect you. He loves you. I can see he always has especially today. No one could fake reacting like he did. His world ended tonight" Christian pleaded his father's case "Let me give him access Mama to the systems so he can help me help you. Give him something!!"
"He'll get hurt and everything I've done will be for nothing" Anna said emotionally. "Mama 12 people are still alive potentially because of you. He won't let you down, he won't get hurt. He's clever and I say again he needs you as much as you need him. I heard you two on the monitor in the panic room and he said he missed you and he noticed you were wearing his shirt. Mama you should have seen him come in the gates today. He nearly wiped army man out. You two are stronger together!" An unwilling smile crossed her face at the image which was immediately wiped off when Christian said "Please Mama? Please? He was so ill when he left today. Benny had to practically carry him out. He couldn't respond to anything. It's like he shut down totally. "What?? He's ill?? What the hell happened?" Anna was sat up and demanding. "He was like a zombie Mama" "tell me what happened Christian!! Anna nearly shouted "that last threat he read that you wrote on in red pen? It finished him off. Benny had to drive him home."
The thought of Bjorn suffering because of her was enough to drive all thoughts of her own illness out of her mind. "Frida call Benny now" she ordered. Frida fumbled for her phone and did so. Benny answered on the first ring and Frida said "Benny? Hi...." Anna snatched the phone out of her hand. She didn't care that she was going to vomit any second, she didn't care that her voice sounded like sandpaper. "Benny how is he??" her voice broke. "Anna darling, I don't honestly know. I've never seen him like this. He can't talk to me, he's just staring into space, he's crying little one, he's like a zombie" Anna dashed tears away impatiently "Oh God Christian said that too. I didn't mean for this to happen Benny you have to believe me. We're divorced, I had no reason to think it would affect him like this. I've kept his family safe for him the best I can. I didn't mean to make him ill I love him. I just needed him safe" she was crying in earnest now. "Anna darling, he loves you. He never stopped. Pride and arrogance got in the way for both of us. You have paid too higher price but so have we in our way" Benny sighed. He couldn't deny that he was worried.
"Hang on Benny" he listened alarmed as Anna threw up. "Are you....?" "I'm fine, where are you??" she asked We're at Vallentuna" "Christian take me to Vallentuna right now!!" "Mama are you sure that's wise? You're not so well yourself" "Christian I swear to god if you don't take me to Vallentuna right now I will walk there NOW MOVE!!" Frida laughed in spite of herself and said "better do it darling. Looks like I'm seeing Vallentuna earlier than I thought" she took the phone from Anna and said "Benny we are coming" and hung up. "Frida, does my hair show?? Is my headscarf straight? Tighten it for me so it doesn't fall off. That isn't a discussion for tonight, it'll end his life" Anna bossed. "You might tell him one day?" "Yes I will. Soon. Not today" Both Frida and Christian thought that was sensible. As it happened they weren't too far from Vallentuna and it didn't take them long. Anna was looking as presentable as possible. Anna looked around her fondly as they travelled to the little house, she saw the gates over the drive but that seemed to be the only difference. Christian pushed his fob and they opened. He managed to squeeze the truck in by bumping onto the front lawn. He made sure the gates were shut before he went to lift his Mama out of the truck. "I want to do it Christian" she said quietly. "Just a hand would be good in case he's watching" She tried but her legs wouldn't take her weight. Christian lifted her gently out of the truck and put her on her feet. The sudden movement overwhelmed her tummy though and she was sick on the lawn. Frida held her hand, Christian gave her a bottle of water and some gum he had in his pocket. She was grateful. She swilled her mouth out and spat it out then had a drink. She popped the gum in, straightened and looked at the house, the garden was beautiful and the house hadn't changed a bit. She smiled mistily. "Wait till you see inside Mama" Frida was just as emotional and she took Anna's arm as they did the steps one at a time. Benny had been watching all of this and suddenly he just knew, in his soul he knew what was going on. "Oh Little Anna" he whispered. "What have you done?" He opened the door and before he had a chance to say anything she said "Where is he? I need him" "He's on the sofa in the living room" Benny replied gently. "Benny I need a bucket and then all of you out." There was a storm of protest. Anna said "I love you all very much. Frida please fix things with Benny for god's sake. One of us needs to be sorted out. Christian take them to the little restaurant down the other road but get out. This is my mess and it's between me and Bjorn and I will fix it. I will call you and you can call me if you are worried but all of you out! Now!"
Benny got her the bucket from under the sink, Christian made sure she had a phone and Frida hugged her tightly then suddenly she was alone with Bjorn in their first house. It was surreal feeling to say the least.
She hesitated as she considered her next move but her feet had other ideas and she walked towards the living room clutching her bucket. She just wanted to see him.
Walking into the living room she was touched and surprised to see that nothing had changed, she could see some more modern technology but that was it. Her heart was full of emotion. She zeroed in on the man sat on the sofa and despite everything, she smiled.
"Bjorn?" she croaked. Impatiently she cleared her throat. She walked in front of him. "Bjorn!!" She could see what they meant. He looked like his world had ended and was totally unresponsive. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, she was crippled with guilt. "Bjorn, please baby. Talk to me, I'm sorry" she struggled down onto her knees so that she was below his eye level. "Baby, you're scaring me, please come back" she pleaded. "My Anna, you were always mine you know, from the second I heard your voice" she smiled as she heard his voice "Yes I was" she agreed but frowned as he didn't react to what she had said, he just carried on talking, like she wasn't there."I see you there but I know you're not, you're somewhere else. Somewhere I'm not allowed to be, you won't let me near you and I don't blame you after what I did but it hurts me. No less than I deserve." "Bjorn, it's not like that" she protested but he wasn't listening."All these years and you've paid for our lives with your own. Letting me think terrible things about you so I'd leave you alone, so I'd never know" his tears came faster then and Anna couldn't handle it. "I wish you were really here Baby. So much to say. I can't make it right but I want to try even if you hate me" Anna had to stop this. She touched his face "Bjorn I am here. I'm sorry I did this to you. I never meant for this to happen, you were never supposed to find out" she said gently. He still didn't see her. She pushed on his knees to get herself up and she carefully straddled him. Contact. They needed contact. Her stomach was rolling and she was sweating but she fought it ruthlessly. "Bjorn!! You're scaring me. I need you. I'll always need you baby please. She pulled him towards her, the effort making her dizzy. She wrapped her arms round him but she wasn't strong enough today to hold him up so she leaned on him instead. The sweat poured off her in waves as she fought the nausea but unfortunately it was not a battle she was destined to win. "Bjorn I'm so sorry I can't help it. She leaned over the side of the sofa, grabbed the bucket and was horrendously sick, she moaned at her utter humiliation but there was nothing whatsoever that she could do to stop it. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry" she repeated endlessly. She felt him twitch underneath her, the heaving just wouldn't stop even though there was nothing left to bring up. She couldn't help her tears as it started to hurt her.
Anna heard "What the hell?" Then she felt his arms snap round her supporting her in her awkward position. "Anna??!" "Bjorn I'm so sorry I can't help it" she gasped intermittently between heaves. "Jesus Christ Anna. Why are you sorry? Never mind that." He rubbed her back as she heaved but it wouldn't stop and in the end he stood holding onto her awkwardly and carried her and her bucket into the kitchen. He sat her on the counter top and fetched a glass of water. He rummaged in the cupboard and came out with some dry crackers. Her heaving was getting to a crescendo and he was concerned. This was no dream. His Anna was here, sweating and crying and ill but she was here. In Vallentuna? Alone? He was utterly confused and didn't have a clue how all this had happened. What he DID know was he had to deal with this now and find out the rest later. "Anna come on baby, try and breathe, you're having a panic attack now and it's making your heaving worse. Hush now." he said gently. She held out her arms to him and there was no hesitation. He went into them and curved one arm around her and tucked her into his shoulder. He felt her breathing ease slowly, he could feel her poor ribs heaving, still trying to be sick. He held the glass for her and she tried a sip but bought it straight back up." Bjorn I'm sorry" she managed. "Hush" she was still holding onto him tightly and he was going to enjoy every second regardless. He moved slightly and her grip tightened like steel "Don't go, I'll make it stop" "Anna, nothing would drag me away. Not even you throwing up. Come on let's try some more water" he coaxed her to have a sip and she did. She kept that one down and the next one. He felt her body tense so he put the glass down and gave her a break. "Anna I want to take my jacket off. Just a sec ok?" He moved away a bit and shrugged it off then he looked at her. He brushed her sticky fringe out of her face and smiled at her little blue headscarf. She had blue jeans on and blue clogs and a white loose shirt. Damn, this woman could still fill a pair of jeans he thought. He moved to stand between her legs and put his arms round her for a proper hug. He rested his chin on her head and he felt her slide her arms round his waist. They stood like that for minutes or it could have been hours, he didn't know and he didn't care. All he knew is that she had stopped being sick, was peaceful and he had her safe in his arms. "How are you here Anna?" he whispered. "Christian told me you were ill. That he'd never seen you break like that. It's my fault and I wanted to fix it with you. I'll tell you everything you ask of me. I promise, no matter how hard it is". she took a shuddering breath. "I never, ever meant to hurt you Bjorn. Quite the opposite. I wanted you to have the life you had chosen. I know I was difficult and horrible, things were difficult with us and ABBA. You were difficult too though, it was my way of saying I was sorry" she sniffed. "Good God Anna, I was terrible. Arrogant, prideful, big ego. It wasn't your fault and you weren't horrible baby" he said feelingly.
"Bjorn, I can't promise I won't throw up. Today isn't a good day for this but I need to fix you. But I need to lie down, I feel dizzy" "Where do you want to go?" asked Bjorn. "Bedroom?" suggested Anna. Bjorn was quietly thrilled. Without even asking Bjorn swung her up into his arms and strode through the house. "I can walk" she protested. "Maybe so, maybe I just need to carry you" he said gently, that quietened her objection immediately. He shouldered his way into the room and Anna took an enormous breath and said "Oh God Bjorn, how is this even possible. Look at it. Did you do this??" There was minimal change, some but not enough for her not to feel the presence of their younger selves right in the room with them.
Bjorn cleared his throat to hide his emotion and said "some, but not much. It hadn't been changed when I bought it back" Anna shook her head in wonder as she looked around. "We were so happy here, will you show me the rest later?" Bjorn nodded not trusting himself to speak. He walked towards the bed and put her down gently before going to leave the room. "Where are you going?" Anna asked a little panicked. He came back to the bed and picked up her hand. "Anna, you need your bucket, some water and the crackers. I need some paracetamol. I'll be back as quickly as I can. He kissed the back of her hand gently.
He was indeed back before she knew it with everything he had said and her mobile phone. He took his boots off and got onto the bed with Anna. "How do you feel now?" he asked."My ribs hurt but just nauseous now" "OK" he said relieved. "I don't even know where you want me to start Bjorn. It's been so long. Tell me what you want." she said quietly.
"Start at the beginning Anna and leave nothing out. No matter how much you think it will hurt me I want to know all of it every bit you can remember. "Everything??" squeaked Anna in surprise."Everything, you asked me what I wanted and I want it all baby" Bjorn said firmly "We need a clean slate. When you've told me everything, I'll tell you everything about Lena, the girls and my life." He sighed "Anna, I have never stopped loving you, nothing you can say would ever make me change my mind. I know I can't come back, I don't expect to and I don't deserve to but I do need to help you, to keep you safe. I swore I would the day I married you and I've failed abysmally. It needs to change" Anna was stunned "but Bjorn we are divorced. I have no claim on you or your time, I am not your burden to bear anymore but I never stopped loving you either" she admitted quietly "I know, I know because of what you've been doing for 40 years. I know now." Bjorn reassured her, his heart melted as they both were brave enough to say the words that they should have said all those years ago.
He moved her until she was where he needed her to be. Her head in that spot that was hers alone, her leg over his. He relaxed and he felt her ease. It didn't matter what would come next. He would handle it. Her hand was picking at his shirt again and he soothed it. Lifting her hand and kissing his ring that sat there. "Did you think I wouldn't recognise it? he asked "I never thought for a minute you would. It's all worn away now. The stars are all gone" she whispered "Why do you wear it Anna?" She hesitated. "You promised me truth" he reminded her. He heard her sigh and she said "Because it makes me feel safe. It anchors me when my mind goes all over the place. You made me feel safe. You're the only one who has ever made me feel safe. I can't have you so the ring helps" His eyes stung and he tightened his hold on her. She fought the urge to wince, she didn't ever want him to stop hugging her. "The beginning Anna" he reminded her. "There's been too many misunderstandings and lies and meddling from other people, let's get it all out between us."
She was quiet for a while and he did not think that she would speak, he waited and was rewarded with her voice, quiet and scared but willing.
"My temper got the better of me that day" she confided. "You didn't want us, the kids were ill, you got so impatient and I was stubborn and sad. We had been arguing and you said if you had known what it was like living with you lot I'd have changed my mind, I only wanted you to remember we were there with you. I wanted you to see what it would be like without us and realise that we were worth fighting for. I never meant to leave. You were supposed to come and get us.
You never came"
