Ashen || k.th.

36

Have you ever just randomly began crying because you've been bottling up all the pain and it suddenly bursts out?

Because I do. That's exactly what I am doing right now as I stood outside his museoleum. I never dared to come in whenever I visit him even though it's open. I'm just so scared of the memories.

"Hey, Taehyung. Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Kim." I greeted them as I tried wiping off my eyes. "Chae misses you already, Tae." I whispered, plucking at the grass infront of me.

I pulled out Chae's drawing of her, Taehyung, and I. She asked me to give it to him whenever I see him. I placed it carefully inside and longing looked at his glowing gravestone.

"She wants to show you how much she has improved. She even asked me to help her. She loves drawing people now, Tae. God, she's growing up too fast, don't you think?" I sniffed. "Yeontan misses you too. He never leaves your side of the bed and he always beats me to cuddling with your pillow."

"I.. I miss you too, baby. I really, really do. I graduated already, do you know that?"

'At my graduation, you'll be there, right?"

'I'll be there. I promise.'

"Y-You broke your promise, idiot." I spat out but feeling no anger for him. "I know, I know. I broke mine too. I promised you that I'll never cry about this again, but you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to smile and be happy when all I want is to just cry alone in my bed. I want to feel all the pain. I want to hurt until it goes away. I'm that miserable, Taehyung. But I'm trying to get up for you, for Hoseok, Emerie, Jimin, and for myself. I wanted to make them and you proud."

"Losing you hurts a lot. But I'm trying, Tae. I'm trying to get better. And I know I will. I just don't know when. But... You'll be here, won't you? You said you'll be my angel once you're gone." I smiled bitterly and looked down.

"Remember when we talked about tattoos? About getting something you wouldn't regret? Well, I got mines yesterday. It was right at your favorite kissing spot. So everyone can see who owns it. Don't worry, I won't regret this. I want something that will make me remember who my angel is."

Suddenly I remembered the guy in the wheelchair and how he looked at me. His eyes were almost as shiny as Taehyung's orbs every time I see it. Still, Taehyung's eyes were the best I've ever seen. It would have been brighter than that guy's.

"I'm turning so badass now, baby. You should have seen how brave I was, going in and stepping out with my dignity and first ink." I sniffled, tears brimming my eyes once more. "I.. I also have an upcoming exhibit, Taehyung. I wish you'd be there to celebrate with me. It's all for you, baby."

No matter how abundant the amount of tears I cry over his death, I will never be sorry for meeting him. I do not regret running to this place that particular night when I first saw him. I was grateful, to be honest. Grateful for the experience, the happiness, and the love I've felt during that short span of time with him. It was all beautiful. How can I regret something so beautiful? How, when all I felt was love that is so pure that it even surpasses death?

"I love you, baby." I whispered into blank air. I wanted to go home but I don't have the courage to. I don't want to leave him yet so I sat there as if waiting for something, or someone.

Bravely, I stared inside hoping to catch just a glimpse of him no matter how hopeless it is. It just reminded me of what I lost.

----

It was afternoon when I got a hold of myself again. Drying my paled and lifeless eyes, I began to stand up and prepared to leave.

"I have to leave, baby. But I promise I'll come back soon, yeah? Don't miss me too much." I joked then ended up pitying myself for talking to a grave.

I was about to space out when my phone rang. With a frown, I answered it only to be answered by an exasperated sounding Seokjin.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Y/N. How are you?" Seokjin asked. I smiled bitterly at the question. Out of all the things that people asks me, this is the most painful. They can all comment on how I suddenly became down or lonely or almost lifeless and I wouldn't care. But once I'm asked on how I am, I'm taken aback. How am I supposed to lie through it when it's my eyes that give off the answer? I choked on a sob and tried to keep my tears at bay. When I didn't answer, Seokjin continued.

"I was just wondering if you already picked a date for your exhibit?" Seokjin asked making me giggle a bit.

"It's still far away, Seokjin." I gave Taehyung's grave one last look before I began my walk outside the cemetery.

"I was just excited! Now tell me when." Seokjin laughed. "Or you haven't yet?"

"Actually, I already have a date in mind." I gently said, a soft genuine smile making its way into my face as I think of the answer to his question.

"Really? When?" He asked a little too enthusiastically. I looked up the sky to heave a deep breath, releasing the tension from my body.

"December 30th."

December 30th is Taehyung's birthdate. It's almost a year since he's gone but I still find myself in the lumps of sorrow that traps me in the empty bed I wake up in every morning. It feels like the reality that I have met Kim Taehyung is slowly slipping and leaving only the sadness of his absence. I chose that day to remind me that indeed, a Kim Taehyung was born into this world and he was once mine. I want to remember that day as the day when my love was born. And I want that to be the time when I can finally grant Taehyung's wish.

Because on the 30th of December, I'm finally letting Taehyung go.

And who knows?

Maybe I can finally reborn myself too on that same day.

A/N: What's your favorite song from MOTS: 7??