EVAK/HENJEI ONE SHOTS

[34] f l a s h b a c k

continuation to 'd i s a p p e a r e d'

EVEN POV
________

*flashback*

he had told them.

he told everyone that i tried to kiss him, and now they all hated me.

they called me homophobic slurs and said i was disgusting. everyone had left me, all my friends- they were gone, all because i tried to kiss one of them. i had lost all of them.

i stood over my bathroom sink as tears trickled down my cheeks, wondering how i messed up so badly to lose all my friends. i ruined everything good i had, and now i had lost the most important people in my life because of teenage hormones.

my heart pounded against my chest, my body raging with anger and an overwhelming feeling of straight sadness. my fingers clutched at my hair, pulling tightly in frustration of not knowing what to do with this situation. i felt like i was going insane. i felt like i couldn't stop destroying everything good in my life no matter how hard i tried not to.

i glared at myself in the mirror, my eyes bloodshot and swollen from crying so much. i was disgusted at myself.

what a waste of air.

i'm an accident.

nobody loves me.

i'm all alone.

what? it was true. i was a burden to everyone i knew, my parents, my friends, my girlfriend, and she made that clear to me everyday.

they'd be better without me.

they're probably just waiting for me to reach my breaking point so they don't have to put up with me anymore.

it'd be better off for everyone if i was just dead.

disorganized thoughts raced through my head, all of them swarming in at once like a bunch of buzzing bees causing my head to hurt. i let out a loud sob, how pathetic, right? i was pathetic. i was honestly ashamed of myself.

i ignored the voices behind the door. it was a females voice, probably my mom, asking if i was okay. i didn't purposely ignore her- it was just like i didn't care. being as close as she was with only the thin slab of wood separating us, her beautiful, calm tone sounded muffled, concerned and slowly fading out of ear shot as i continued to cry.

i remembered the words he said.

"what do you think you're doing?! you must be crazier than i thought, first finding out you're mental and now gay?! you're disgusting." he spat, breaking my heart in two right then and there.

i let out a small, high pitched whine as i squeezed my eyes shut. the pain was too much. i couldn't live anymore, i didn't want to live anymore.

how could i possibly show up at school anymore after that? how could i even have the courage to show my face there after what happened?

everyone hated me, even myself.

i didn't want to drown in self pity anymore. i didn't want to be alone anymore. i just needed to end this, once and for all.

they'd be happier without me.

it's a weight lifted off their shoulders.

right?

too late to go back now.

-

sounds of a beeping machine, faint chatter in the distance and a strange, confusion sound caused me to barely open my eyes- suddenly being blinded by a bright light as i squinted.

i heard a woman gasp and then she yelled as if asking for help, but i was too dazed to make out the words. her silhouette hovered over me and i felt clammy hands cup my cheeks.

"what's going on?" i mumbled, my vision a bit blurry as i was slowly coming back into reality.

"oh, even! my baby!" the woman said, that's when i realized it was my mother, and the strange sound i was hearing was her crying.

another figure entered the room, walking up to stand beside my mom which helped block the bright light shining into my eyes painfully. my whole body was aching as i tried to regain my memory.

before i knew it, someone was flashing a flashlight in my eye, causing me to shut them quickly and hissing. "it's okay, even. you're okay." i heard my mom say, and i hesitantly opened my eyes again.

"hi, even. i'm doctor scott. do you remember anything that happened?" the second person's voice asked.

i shook my head no, which was true. my memory was too foggy and i couldn't focus on anything anyways with all the chaotic action around me.

"where am i?" i asked groggily, giving everyone strange looks as i was still struggling to grasp reality.

"you're in the hospital." the doctor deadpanned, writing something down on a clipboard. "you tried take your own life."

suddenly, it all came back to me.

everything that had gone down the same day with my friends, the crying in the bathroom, the razor blades, the blood, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the hopelessness, the emptiness and then, the blackout.

my eyes began to water when i realized i hadn't succeeded.

i shook my head in frustration, they were going to put me in some place for crazy people now, weren't they?! they were going to put me on weird medications on top of the ones i already take and everything was just going to get worse, wasn't it?!

before i knew it, i was crying all over again and my mom was as well. the doctor tried to calm us down, mainly me as i let out the loudest sobs i've ever sobbed, wanting to scream in agony at the fact that i survived.

i didn't want to live anymore, but how was i supposed to do that when people kept keeping me alive?