Two Become Three- A Joanne Story

Exhausted

"You look tired, tough Sunday?" Dianne asked, as Joe came into the training room, his eyes were still red and puffy.

"I told her," Joe said weightily, collapsing onto the sofa.

"You'll have to give me more than that honey, I know I love you but I'm definitely not psychic," Dianne said, though the statement had shown her that she was right to question how he was. She sat next to him and watched him fuss with his bag, clearly a distraction from whatever was going on.

"Connie, I told her about Lou, Louise, right before bed," Joe looked at his shoes and back at Dianne, not so sure what shoe he needed.

"Latin shoes," she replied and then let what he had said sink in. "How did she take it, how were you? Are you?" Dianne asked gently, after a few more seconds, she had known he'd been planning to do this but she hadn't known how soon.

"She cried for about 2 hours, she wasn't upset about being neglected- wrong word but you know what I mean- she was more upset that she was sick and she couldn't meet her. But it meant she didn't fall asleep until well after 10. I obviously cried, I mean when do I not," Joe laughed. There was a bitterness there, it wasn't light like normal and it snapped Dianne almost in two.

"Don't be so harsh on yourself, when did you fall asleep?" Dianne held onto his arm, as he was tying the shoe up. She wanted to pull him into her and silence him, but she knew that he needed to get this out, that it was weighing right down on him. 

"1, 2, maybe, I was trying to find her but I realised it wasn't a good idea. Then she woke up at 6 and said she was too sad to go to school, so we talked some more, so I didn't get a whole lot of sleep." Joe sighed, he was doubting whether it was a good idea to tell her now, at this age.

"Is she in school now?"

"Yeah, I dropped her off at lunch and had a chat with her teacher, I just wonder if it..." Joe was interrupted.

"...was the right thing to do? Don't say that, she needed to know Joe, you know she'd been asking for a while. She's not angry, she's just dealing with all of the new information," Dianne was saying what came to mind, how she imagined Connie was.

"I said to Connie that Louise loved her, but the more I thought about it, the more I held our daughter as she cried I found myself wondering if she did. I mean she wanted to put her in care and run away," Joe said, the words were bitter between his lips but completely truthful.

"I think she may have been doing that out of love, maybe she knew that she wasn't going to be able to look after her and she wanted a better life for Connie than she could give. I don't know though, and," Dianne slid her hand down his arm to meet his, locking them together, "you can't know either, so don't let it occupy your mind, you're just doing the best by Connie."

"I suppose, I don't think I doubted myself as a parent more last night. I'm okay now but, yeah," Joe admitted, ashamed by his thoughts.

"Good, well I'll remind you, before we get on, you can call me any day or night and I'll always try and help." Dianne said lifting his hands to her lips. "I love you," she whispered into it.

"I'd be lost without you, I love you too."

~~~

"I'm so sorry, she just wouldn't go down, everything I've done she's just, I'm so sorry, she just refused or it hasn't worked. I'm sorry," Elise said stressed, when Joe and Dianne came into his flat at 9:30, Connie sat on the sofa.

"Don't worry, seriously, she's just having a couple of difficult days. Please don't stress Elise. We'll see you tomorrow." Joe said to the childminder, he had expected this from Connie.