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‑ˏˋ 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐄 ˊˎ‑
𝐓𝐖𝐎 𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐊𝐒. 𝐓𝐖𝐎 weeks later and I absolutely refused to tell myself I was getting worse. I had tried everything I could think of, but I was honestly at my wit's end. Not only was I driving Jellal crazy, but I haven't been... thinking like myself. At first, I tried to accept that Lisanna was truly gone ― like Gray had suggested.
Instead of accepting it, I just kept thinking about how it was all my fault. If I had gotten there earlier, maybe I could have saved her. Maybe I could have done something that would have helped her in the end. Those thoughts had led me to believe that the world would be better without me in it. The prospect of seeing Lisanna again in the afterlife had even sounded exhilarating, and every time I had almost driven that knife into my skin, Jellal would always walk in.
That was only the beginning of it.
Because I barely slept two hours each night, Jellal had let me sleep until around noon each day. We had actually become really close ― the only good thing that had happened during the two week period ― especially when Jellal had taken a month of vacation to take care of me. However, I think it was starting to take its own toll on Jellal. He was beginning to lack sleep, and every time he woke me up, I would unknowingly punch him.
I was starting to feel terrible that he was doing all these things for me, and I don't even know if he knew or not. My guess was that he did. No one ever did all these things for a stranger without knowing what they had been through. And the worst part of it was that I didn't know if I wanted to be mad at him or grateful.
I sat on my bed, rocking back and forth nervously. The moon was shining through the open window, making me shiver. Having noticed, Jellal closed the window with a satisfying snap of the lock. It made me feel a little better. I watched as Jellal went back to fixing his sleeping bag on the floor, flopping a pillow down and a blanket on top.
"Are you sure you're okay with sleeping on the floor?" I asked. He was giving up his comfortable bed to sleep on the carpet. It was his idea, but it didn't feel right.
He just shook his head, putting his hands on his hips as he looked around the room. "I've already told you, Natsu. I don't mind at all. It'll be like a sleepover," he stopped, scratching his head. "A really weird sleepover, but still."
I just laid down with my arms behind my head, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn't make sense of anything anymore. All of it was like a blur that I couldn't make sense of, like those ink tests you were supposed to make something out of the blobs. The only thing was that I couldn't, and it made me frustrated.
"I think everything's in place, "Jellal declared, bringing me out of my thoughts. I silently thanked him, sitting back up as he went over his invisible checklist. "There are two night-lights on, the cabinets and drawers are locked, the front door is locked and the couch pushed in front of it, and the kitchen light is on." I made a sound at that list, knowing he was going a little overboard. He didn't notice my confused expression, clasping his hands together. "Great! Let's go to bed."
He turned off the lights without another word, although the entire place seemed like the lights were on. I watched as Jellal shuffled into his sleeping bag, turning over on his side to go sleep. I wish I could do that, but as I laid down to stare at the ceiling, the fear of having nightmares kept me awake.
I couldn't fall asleep, and it wasn't because of Jellal's loud snoring. I just couldn't shut my eyes, no matter how much they stung to keep open. I wasn't just scared of falling asleep, but I was haunted by what would come of it. It ached too much every time I woke. And that was what I didn't want to feel anymore.
――――
I was used to waking up when half the day was already over and done with. The one factor of it I wasn't used to was the blinding sunlight. Squinting, I rolled over on my side to fall off my bed. I groaned when my teeth clashed together. Today wasn't going my way already, and I had just opened my eyes a mere second ago.
Sitting up, I looked around the room in half-interest. Jellal was shuffling around beyond the closed door, but I didn't just hear him. There were multiple different voices, and the fact that they were all familiar frightened me. I ran towards the door, yanking it open to have my worst fears proved correct. All of them ― Lucy, Erza, Gray, Levy, Gajeel, Juvia, Romeo, Wendy―were either sitting on the couch or on the floor.
At my sudden appearance, all heads had turned to me, instantly putting me on the spot. It was like a movie scene where someone was about to be forced to do something. And I had an idea of what it was. My gaze turned to Jellal when he put a hand on my shoulder, careful not to startle me. "Afternoon, Natsu."
"What the hell is going on?" I tried to keep my tone controlled, but it didn't work. I turned to Lucy as she stood up.
"We need to talk to you ― "
"No, you don't," I interrupted, shrugging Jellal's hand off of me. Maybe I was overreacting, but I was sick and tired of them treating me like this. "Only when Hell freezes over will I ever see a therapist."
Jellal stepped forward. "Natsu, everyone's worried about you."
"Well, I didn't ask you to be!" I was slowly losing my mind. I didn't want to be yelling and screaming, but there was a time when everyone broke down. And it was my turn. "I keep telling every one of you that I don't need a therapist! You're not listening to me!"
"And maybe it's because you aren't listening to them," Jellal snapped. I stopped, staring at him. He had never risen his voice at anyone, and it shocked me. His eyes were narrowed and his teeth were clenched, his hands in tight fists. This wasn't the Jellal that I had grown to know.
"You're lucky enough to even have a group of friends that are willing to do this for you," he gestured to everyone before turning back to me. "I was lucky enough to have one friend who cared this much about me. I'm a little odd ― don't you think I know that?" He had tears gathered in his eyes as he glared at me. "If you won't go to a therapist unless Hell's frozen over, then why don't you go knock on Hell's door and find out? You're halfway there with you trying to kill yourself every damn day, so why don't you just beat death to the punch and go?"
I felt my own eyes narrow, my anger level rising. Screw being shocked; I was pissed now. "You don't get to snap at me. You have no idea what I'm going through."
"No one ever will, Natsu!" His hands fisted in my shirt, shaking me slightly. "Not everyone is going to watch someone they love die, and if they do, some won't even live to tell the tale. Quit being strong and be smart, because you'll need up killing yourself if you aren't. I don't care how you do it ― just get some help before I kill you myself because you're driving me crazy!"
"You would be doing me a favor!"
Jellal groaned, tightening his grip on my shirt. He gestured to my friends with a nod of his head. "Look over there, you damn idiot. You're trying not to hurt them, yet watching you right now is tearing them apart. I didn't know you before this, but I know you were better than this. And I'm tired of waiting for that Natsu to come back. If you won't do this for yourself, then do it for them."
