Tell Me Why || McLennon

Chapter Thirty-Three

      John's eyes slowly drifted open, sunlight drifting in from the window, instantly hit them, making him squint. He didn't remember much of last night, except for happiness. Something that made him fall asleep happy. And it was something that for a split second, made John forget all the pain.

     John tried to get up, but couldn't. Someone's arms were around him. He rolled back over to face the person and saw the one face he didn't want to see. Paul's.

     "Shit." John mumbled under his breath. He shot up immediately, not caring if he woke Paul. He needed to get out of here.

    He pried Paul's arms off of him, and pulled the covers off his legs. He stood up, now needing to find his shoes. Where were his damn shoes?

    John began to panic, sweat starting to form on his face. He knew he couldn't do this. He knew he couldn't be here. He couldn't afford to get close to Paul again. It would just hurt him more. He knew he couldn't do this, yet he still did it. And John was mad at himself for getting close to Paul.

    He looked towards the door, debating whether or not if he should leave without his shoes, before Paul woke up. But that plan was interrupted when a groggy voice called out behind John.

    "Love?" It said. John slowly turned his head from the door to face Paul, who was now sitting up in bed, with his head tilted at an angle as if to ask John something.

    "What?" John snapped back at him.

     Paul looked taken aback, a bit shocked at John's tone after what had happened last night. "What are you doing?" He asked. "Come lay back down with me. We can sleep a bit more If you want to."

    John was terrified. He wanted to lay back down with Paul, but his mind told him otherwise. Even as much as his heart aches for love, he couldn't do this. And he knew it. "I can't." His voice crowed out. "I just can't." His swiped his hand across the air, as if he were slicing it into two different pieces.

     "But...But why?" Paul stuttered. He didn't understand why John would leave so suddenly. Especially after last night.

    "Because if I stay here I'm going to get hurt." John replied a tear rapidly falling down his cheek.

    "How?" Paul questioned. "I'm not going to hurt you. I love you John."

    "I'm going to get hurt because I'm going to get attached to you." John said. He continued to look for his shoes. He searched underneath the bed, and in closets, slamming their doors shut once he was done. "If I get attached to you, you'll eventually just leave me like my father, mother, and Stu did. Then I'll just get hurt all over. That same pain that's tearing me apart, the same pain that I feel almost everyday, it'll hurt me for the rest of my life. You mean too much to me."

    Tears were now full on streaming down John's face. Paul got out of bed and walked over to him. "John," He spoke softly, just loud enough for John to hear. "Just like I said to you last night, I'll always love you. No matter what happens. I'll never leave you."

     "No Paul!" John shouted, making Paul step back. "Don't you get it?! Everything that's happened has made my brain screwed up! I can't trust anyone! It's just my mind stuck in an endless loop of 'Stay away' or 'You're going to get hurt'! It makes me think you don't love me! It makes me think that no one has or ever will, because they're all gone or they're going to leave!"

     "John..." Paul was at a loss for words. He had no idea how to react to this. "Why didn't you tell me this? I could've helped you!"

    John scoffed. "Paul!" He shouted. "I was in so deep that you couldn't help me! So what's the point in trying?! What's the point in coming to you for help, when I know it's useless! And you know what Paul?"

     Paul shook his head no.

     "You still can't help me, so you might as well just get away from me!" John pushed Paul to the side as he headed for the door.

     Once he reached it, he put his hand on the knob, but didn't turn it. He waited for Paul to say something. Anything at all.

     "So does this mean we're through?" Paul asked, tears now streaming down his face.

     Still keeping his eyes on the doorknob, John squeaked out a reply. "No." He stated. "I'll be back. I just need some time."

     Paul understood. He watched John open the door and slam it closed, not once looking back.

Thanks for reading. -Liz :)