"God your eyes are so beautiful it actually hurts me to look at them because I know at some point I will have to look away," she snaps her attention over to me, which is when I realise I just said that out loud.
*TRIGGER WARNING* - anxiety attacks...
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When I walked into the green room, I was greeted by Maggie and Claudia who looked after me after my panic attack. I didn't say anything about me and Billie, or for that matter I didn't say anything At all. I was far too upset to talk.
When Billie and Finneas came back in, Claudia jumped up and went to greet Fin. I tried to make eye contact with Billie, but she looked anywhere but me.
Claudia and Finneas went to go get food, and Maggie was helping Patrick with the merch table. Leaving just me and Billie alone. She was sat on the couch and had her head buried in her phone. "Billie look I'm sor-" she cut me off
"I'm going to meet some friends that live over here tonight, so you will have to move in the tour bus on your own," she stood up to leave and grabbed a cube of pineapple on her way out, she shot me a quick glance, hoping I wouldn't see. I know I hurt her, but she needed to finish that show and she was hurting me right now as well.
I gave her a five minute head start and after that went to find Claudia. I decided,I would let Billie go it. Maybe it would be good for her to blow off some steam. Or at least that's what I kept telling myself.
___
We arrived at the bus station and we all took out bags onto the tour bus. We looked around, around I picked my bunk. I chose one at the back, I knew Billie was going to be sleeping either above or below me so I chose the bottom. I had a thing for falling out of beds so I thought it would be the safe option.
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I put my few personal belongings in my bunk and then went to sit in the communal living room area.
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Shortly after I sat down, Maggie came in holding two cups of coffee, handing me one. I could tell she felt bad about Billie leaving, me here on my own. "Look, I know this isn't what you will want to here, but Billie is just scared, she does this too often and she acts out. But that's all it is, acting out." Maggie looked at me with sorrowful eyes.
"It's okay, don't worry about it," I sipped at my coffee as Finneas, Claudia and Patrick joined us and we settled watching a movie. We didn't know when Billie was getting back, and the bus didn't leave the station till the morning so she could be out there for hours more.
After the movie finished we all headed to bed. I sat in my bed, with no room to move. I just stared at the top of my bunk, until I decided closing my eyes shut really tight might make me forget about her. I must have just drifted off to Sleep when it happened. I woke up out of breath and frightened. I thought that my sleep demons had gone away, but I was obviously wrong.
I got out of my bed and walked into the small kitchen area.
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(Idk this is so big lmfao)
I put the kettle on and made myself some hot cocoa, I sat at the table and grabbed some paper and a charcoal pencil form the shelf. I didn't know what I was drawing but just sort of let it happen. After a second cup of cocoa,the door to the bus opened and Billie stumbled in.
She walked into the the counter giggling slightly. "Billie, are you drunk?"I stand up helping her to sit at the table opposite me. I could smell the alcohol on her breath.
"No, I don't drink," she giggled again, then stood up running to find a toilet. Luckily she found one just in time. I held her hair back as she threw up into the toilet. We then just sat on the tiny bathroom floor, I looked at the wall ahead of me, but I felt the burn of Billie's stare in the side of my face.
"Use me." She said her face still blank, showing no emotion.
"What?" I looked at her furrowing my brows.
"Everyone does, that's why I keep my friend group small, and exclusive. Because people use me, for all their dirty work. I hate it. But I don't know what it is bout you, I just want you, even if you are just using me. So do it, fuck with my emotions and use me, please," I single tear rolled down her eyes. And I wiped it with the sleeve of my jumper.
"I don't want to use you Billie, I want to ......" I paused
"You want to what," she looked confused, tired slightly green and confused. I couldn't think of anyway to answer her question so instead, I placed my hand on her cheeks and kissed her. She tasted of alcohol, it was so strong it probably could have got me drunk.
I scooped her up, bridal style and placed her on her top bunk where she pretty much fell asleep straight away, I slipped of her shoes and Jewellery placing a kiss on her forehead before going back into my bunk.
