Different Worlds (wlw) Editing

T H I R T Y - T H R E E

If I had never actually been private about my relationship with Raye before, I was now. I was so adamant about being secretive that I didn't even tell Christopher about what had taken place. All I mentioned to him was that I finally moved in with Raye and how we sorta made it spontaneous.
I couldn't bring myself to tell him what caused me to speed up my decision-making process, I couldn't.
Sometimes it was good to keep some things to one's self and it's what I did.
I went about pretending like the entire incident hadn't occurred.

Inevitably, I gave up my apartment, making it official that I lived with Raye.
And oh how sweet and understanding she was that it made me feel like a monster for having such mixed feelings about our relationship.

I loved her, but I was now undoubtedly afraid. I was so scared that I began to pull away, in the sense of although we were now living together I hardly said much too her. I locked myself away a bit frequently.
I rarely allowed her to touch me, why?
Because there was a mental war going on inside of my head. There were real fears floating around inside of me and I didn't know how to cope.

I was still shaken up by the incident and it left my mind in a state of vacillation. I wanted out but I didn't want to have to be without Raye but there was no way of wanting that and still having her, I was sure of that.

It was hard looking at the things Raye did to make me feel cared for and looked after only to still leave me in fear at the end. I now had a life that most people would only dream of.
I was the significant other to one of the most notorious criminals in the country and maybe even the world. I was heavily protected by those that worked for her. I was chauffeured about my business without ever having to worry about anything.
There were men watching my back from the moment I stepped out of work and Raye's apartment building, yet there was still fear, but it was justified.

I knew the reason behind the sudden and always needed surveillance and that's what scared me. That at any given time my safety could be threatened and because of it I now lived in constant disquietude.

Raye had become aware of my change of mood and she tried discussing it.

I was sitting by myself one night staring at the television in front of me while I was zoned out completely. I didn't know what I was thinking because it was nothing in particular. I was spacing out but I was aware.

"Brienna," I had heard her voice and it was enough to snap me out of my daze.

"Mmm?" I hummed without even looking at her direction but I knew she was standing in front of me.

"I just want to make sure that you're okay. I mean, I've seen the way you've been lately and I'm just worried.

"No need to be I'm fine," I lied and I knew she was aware that I was.

"That's never going to work on me. I'm a woman and I know what it means when another woman says that she's fine." She said moving closer to me and cupping my chin. She was in the process of tilting it upward when I slightly pulled away, watching as her hand dropped to her side. There was silence and it was awkward.
Raye made a little sound that reflected her hurt and dismay over my gesture but at the time I didn't care what it did to her.

"You're angry?" Her tone was meek. It sounded a bit shaky but I was somewhat cold to the fact.

"I'm not angry,"

Truth be told I wasn't. I was confused.
I was confused because I didn't know what I felt. Far beyond the fear and the doubt that I had circulating was genuine feelings for Raye but I was scared and that caused the emotions to flow like static; muddied water to some essence and I've admitted it to myself so many times in the last few weeks that I was certain it's the only feeling I knew well enough now.