"No Khaled, I can't. You deserve someone wealthier. Someone who can fit in your family easily and lives by your culture. Someone who is smart and beautiful. You deserve someone who can stand by your side and does not get destroyed by her problems."...
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"You can't stop what god planned for you. If God wills it, it will happen no matter what, so don't stress, just relax and leave your affairs to Allah cause he only wants what is best for us." My father hugged me as he was sitting on his wheelchair.
When those words got out my knees buckled. No. My father is NOT dead. I refuse to believe that. I will never believe it. He can't leave me like my mother.
"But don't worry we managed to save him. For now." he said quickly trying to save me from crumbling down all together. A breath I didn't know I held in got out from my lungs. "I'm afraid we cannot save him again with CPR. His heart won't be able to handle it and if he get a cardiac arrest again -which it's most likely he will- we won't be able to keep him alive. If the operation I talked to you about is going to happen, it needs to happen fast. I need a decision from you tomorrow." He said like it was a simple question that needed a simple answer. Like it wasn't my father's Life we were talking about.
I didn't know my father was this bad. No. Who am I kidding? I knew he was this bad. I knew I had to give the doc an answer soon. Maybe that's why I tried to avoid my father because.... how can I tell my father that? With what face shall I ask him for his opinion? What shall I do?
I nodded "Then I'll see you tomorrow. Good night." With that I didn't get to hear his response before I made my way to my father's room.
When I went inside I froze. My father laid there on his death bed. His cheeks has become more hollow than I saw him last time. His skin so thin I could see the lines of his ribs. His eyes were closed as his mouth gaped slightly.
"Papa." I choked out, like the little girl that called out for her father and mother in the hospital 7 years ago. She got no response just like now. "Papa." I said again and went over to him grabbing his hand tight while I crumbled on a chair.
How can I live without him? How can I live alone? What should I tell Safa when I bring her back? What will I tell her if she asks about her mother and father? My heart breaks more for her than my situation right now. She doesn't deserve it. What has she done to deserve this? What have I done?
"Sabrinna?"
I froze and looked up instantly only to see my father struggling to open his eyes wide but he managed to open just enough to see me. "Papa?... I wanted to tell you about an operation you need to unde-"
"You need to get married." My father cut me off. I stiffened at the thought of getting married. Creating a family of my own when my only one of my family members is away from and the other is on his deathbed. "Promise me that you will get married before I die. I can't leave you here alone. Someone needs to take care of you. Promise me daughter." He talked low and slow. Like he was having a hard time to talk. I actually quite surprised that he can speak at all. A tear escaped my eye.
"No, please father don't ask that of me. I'm not ready to create a family right now. I can take care of myself just fine but I need your permission to accept the surg-"
"Sabrinna..." he cut me off again. " Don't waste money and effort on me. If god wills it I'll either die or live but I know that there aren't any surgery that can save me from this tremor. I don't want to experience another surgery, I just want to rest. Only a miracle from God can. My only wish before I die is for you to get married. I don't think I can rest in peace knowing I will be leaving you unmarried and alone. Promise m-" He abruptly brought his hand his mouth and coughed and coughed making me stand up alert.
"I promise. Okay I promise, please take it easy." I sobbed but gently so that father did not hear me. When he brought his hand back I saw a hint of blood in on it. I held back from crying even harder and waited for a few seconds, stroking his hands until my father fell asleep. As soon as his breathing became calm I ran outside. I felt my feet moving on it's own, hoping that they will take me somewhere that I need. Somewhere that I can take out the pain inside my chest.
Air hit me in the face, I was on the rooftop and there I let out everything. I cried hard and tried to cry for the things I will need to cry for beforehand. I curled up against the wall beside the door and let my tears flow. I don't know how long I cried but when I brought my head up I felt a presence. With my head aching I glanced at the person beside me. Khaled sat one meter away from me looking ahead with a thoughtful expression. He looked serious and handed me a handkerchief while still looking ahead. I took it from him and immediately turned my head to the side so that he couldn't see my awful face.
"When did you get here?" I said after I cleared my throat but my voice still came out hoarse. It was obvious I was crying for a long time.
"A while ago." He said not attempting to ask why I was crying. Good, I don't want to explain my situation to anyone not now, not ever.
"How's Layla?"
"Good, I came to get you but-" his words halted and his eyes connected with mine. "Are you okay?"
Am I okay? When was the last time anyone has asked me that? I think my mother was probably the last person that asked me if I was really okay. Am I okay though? Do I even know what okay means? If anyone has asked me that, the usual cool headed Sabrinna would answered 'of course, why wouldn't I be?' but right now I can't utter the word yes. I can't even smile to wave off the question instead tears rolled down which I furiously wiped with the handkerchief in my hand.
Khaled stayed silent which I was grateful for but I broke the silence not wanting to turn things more awkward than it already is.
"I'm fine, let's go meet everyone else." I started to go up.
"Don't." he grabbed my wrist stopping me and making me sit down. "the nurses still won't let us go in and it's already full in the waiting room."
"Oh, alright." I made myself comfortable on the hard ground after he let my wrist go. I looked up the sky and gently rubbed the wrist Khaled just held. It's the first time a man touched me. I feel like these days I'm having all my firsts with Khaled. I need to stop getting close to him. Things will never work between us and I need to stop overthinking things that aren't even there.
"I heard your conversation with your father." That sentence made me whip my head towards him. His eyes were hodded but I saw some sorrow in them. The kind I despise..
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