Lost myself // yoonmin ( m.yg • BTS)

11 - memories of you knocking (out) on my mind

"I've got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing."

YOONGI POV

I lay awake in bed as my mind dragged me down a dangerous path. I could see where this was going yet I made no consequential efforts to stop it.

I was replaying the day's events in my head with utmost hate directed towards myself.

We were in dance practice, practicing the moves to spring day. I was fairly very tired as I had gotten less than 3 hours of sleep. To say the least, I was very grumpy and a headache was paying me a joyous visit.

My head was buzzing as I winced at the throbbing pain. Damn it! It was getting really hard to not shout at the others for being so loud. But they weren't being loud, they were just talking and discussing.

I slowly made my way to the grey foldable chair and sat down heavily on it. I sighed as I picked up a water bottle from the plastic pack of bottles beside me. I drank down the entire bottle and felt slightly better when Taehyung screamed.

I looked at his direction and saw Namjoon tackling the younger as Jimin held Tae down while Jungkook curled up on the floor, clutching his stomach as he laughed his ass off.

I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. Couldn't they shut up for a minute?!

"Namjoon!", Jin hyung yelled as he made his way towards the noisemakers.

"Get off him!"he  continued as he pulled Namjoon off of Tae.

"Okay Everyone back to practicing!,"Sungdeuk Hyung announced as he clapped his hands to get everyone's attention.

I got up lazily and got to my position. In a few minutes everyone was in position and the song started playing.

Not even 30 seconds into the song, I heard giggling from behind me. I took a glance ,all the while doing the steps, to see Jungkook and Taehyung trying to hold their laughter.

This happened 5 times before we actually finished dancing to the song one time without any interruptions. Sungduek hyung told us the parts we needed to practice and focus on individually. And we started the song from the top once again.

We were at the 4th verse and as I leaned against  Jimin  I suddenly remembered something. This song...me and Namjoon had written it. The lyrics came so easily to me as it was a song about the grief and pain someone experienced when they lost a loved one. I knew it all too well.

I was rapping my part and the lyrics they suddenly struck me in the heart with such force I felt like breaking right then and there.

Yes I hate you, you left me

But I never stopped thinking about you, not even a day

Honestly I miss you, but I'll erase you

'Cause it hurts less than to blame you

I try to exhale you in pain

Like smoke, like white smoke

I say that I'll erase you

But I can't really let you go yet

I had finished rapping and I was doing the choreo but I was now trapped in my thoughts as memories of those painful nights engulfed me. I had tears running down my face as I danced but my face was emotionless with no expression as I looked at my reflection in the mirror.