Lost myself // yoonmin ( m.yg • BTS)

18 - deja vu

"It goes round and round..and I kept being a fool".

YOONGI POV

I sat on the edge of the white marble bathtub, the red velvet curtains neatly tucked at the sides. The numerous bright lights in the bathroom illuminated it to an extent of it hurting your eyes.

I sat with the silver thin blade in my hand as I subtly traced its edge with my fingers. The devil and the angel fought in my head to win over each other.

Should I?

Should I not?

Should I..

I'll feel better

Or will I.....

But..I've worked so hard to be clean

But that ended a week ago...

I should no-..I should-..not-sh-no-shoul-not-

I groaned as my head ached and I closed my eyes to calm my mind down. It was a literal mess, like everything swirling around in dust like a tornado. Except it was my thoughts mingling and rounding each other.

Shutting my mind off completely, I slowly opened my eyes and brought the blade down to my left wrist, placing it next to the healing scar from the last time I did this.

I dug the edge into my wrist and with the same pressure dragged it across horizontally. As the blade slid off my skin, creating a line that was filling up with blood, I let out a gasp as I felt the pain race through my arm.

I placed the, now fresh blood stained, blade again on my wrist and dragged it across like I had previously.

I watched as the place where I had cut my skin become filled with blood, The blood slowly building up on one point in the line, to create a big shiny crimson droplet.

It was like an empty dry narrow channel being filled with water again by the tears of the clouds. Being filled to such an extent that it flooded its banks.

I repeated this cope procedure as I like to call it, about five times before I  froze on the spot as a knock sounded in the large bathroom.

"Yoongi hyung?," A soft voice called out.

Jimin. I Thought to myself.

My heart raced as looked around myself, taking inches dilemma I was in. My arms weren't  exceedingly bloody, but it was definitely noticeable.

To make it all worse, I couldn't find my voice to speak out that I was indeed here. But maybe if I didn't say anything, he would leave?

I was proven wrong as he asked again,

"Hyung, I know you're in there..whatsoever are you doing there  that you can't answer huh?". I swear I could see his smirk as he said that.

"Yah! Can't a guy piss in peace?!", I shouted back.

I heard a laugh from the person outside and I couldn't help but smile at the laugh. I couldn't help myself from imagining the beautiful boy's eyes turning into a crescent shape as he laughed. I couldn't stop the butterflies from fluttering crazy inside me.

My smile stayed etched on my face but in not less than a second, the reason changed. I smiled sadly as I looked down at what I had done. The gateway that held the Tears in my eyes, opened ever so swiftly, as the salty water of emotions flooded its surroundings.

"Well hyung, I'll let you do whatever it is that you are doing," Jimin voiced with another small laugh of his. I heard footsteps fading away and assumed jimin had probably left.

But my breath hitched as a sort of nostalgia hit me. Not because of the sight before me but because of the person that had been outside.

Now the very intricate thing was when I had first met the mochi, I felt like I knew him. It all seemed harmless as I would just feel a connection and I never thought of it much. The only thought that occurred to me was, maybe I like him..

It wouldn't be a surprise as I knew I was bisexual, but had never been attracted to a male before or been in a relationship, and that's all I thought it was. More than a little crush.

But ever since, jimin had been attacked months ago, everything had intensified and I understood I had fallen for him way before but I just didn't realize until the thought of losing him came after the attack.

But that wasn't the bothersome problem, everything I had locked away from that night came out with no warning. It hit me like a tsunami. It was the most horrible type of deja vu, you could feel.

I realized that everything about jimin was everything similar to her and you could say that the attack was a trigger. That's why here I was, back in the same situation I was in years ago.

A broken mess, with tears and blood as companions. The only source of comfort being pain. The only emotion to feel sadness.

But I didn't blame anyone for what was happening. Especially not the mochi, I was surely in love with. It was me, who I had to blame, not anyone else.

Me and only me...

I sniffed as I woke from the trance I was in. I did the necessary to treat the five new wounds and washed my face to look more presentable.

I took this blade with me and unlocked the door. I made way towards my desk and opened the first drawer. A small navy blue box sat there with a golden emblem in the middle.

The small box held a platinum chain with a diamond pendant of the letter 'Y', to represent yoongi. It was a birthday gift from jimin. I smiled as I picked up the box and opened it. This necklace was a treasure to me.

I took the necklace out and then the square black cloth sheet that was underneath it, and then the foam sheet underneath that. Now I could see the bottom of the box.

I placed the blade there and put the foam sheet, the cloth back on and put the necklace carefully back in. I closed the box and heaved a sigh.

No one would see it there.

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........ I'm not ready
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You'll never be honey...

Set...
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A/N: I feel like this wasn't a good chapter..whateves...sorry if it was bad..later byeee.

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And if you need someone to talk to...Pls PM me...I'm here for you. Stay patient! Stay strong! Have a good day or night! Love ya! Fighting! Annyeong!