Lost myself // yoonmin ( m.yg • BTS)

12 - for you

"For you I could pretend like I was happy when I was sad. For you I could pretend like I was strong when I was hurt"

THIRD POV

Yoongi tired to put on the best show possible. He had to put on the mask of delicately crafted happiness and brainstorm ways to make it seem more realistic. He had to morph into yet another character so as to impress the audience that filled the insanely large amphitheater of his life. The only drawback of the entire act was the fact that the very audience that was watching his show, were his own brothers. His family.

Another disadvantage of this extravagant show was the fact that playing, acting the specific role again and again, would eventually get ...tiring.

And so Yoongi was very well not immune to this and here he was, in his studio again, staring at the black screen of the computer, at his dull reflection but you could clearly see the hollowness that rested in the glossy brown eyes.

It was like any other day. He was feeling as if a thousand thorns were stuck in his heart, as if there was an invisible heavy stone on his chest, disconnecting the line of oxygen. As if someone had dried him out and he was left empty, hollow but by virtue sadness and despair remained as residue. And he could see the glowing embers of the flames that were emitted from the fire that was burning him.

He just hated it. To smile and pretend to be okay. He was done with it. He just wanted to scream and scream until his throat couldn't take the harshness anymore. But he couldn't.

Especially when the members had finally laid their concerned eyes off of him. When the eldest had finally started to believe that the younger was taking good care of himself.

But that didn't hide the fact that it was getting too much for Yoongi. What made it even harder was that he could not seem to accept the reality that he was falling again. He couldn't accept the fact that all that he had worked for to get better was now going in vain. It was exactly how things were before debut. Like hell.

And he stupidly believed this was happening all because his weak pathetic brain couldn't handle a bit of nudge towards his past. All because he was too egoistic to ask for help. All because he was simply too weak to fight himself.

What could be more pathetic? He thought to himself.

What could be more pathetic than the fact he couldn't even fight his own thoughts and temptations?

Yoongi clutched his hair in his pale sweaty hands and closed his eyes in hope to numb everything out. But it simply wasn't working. After all, it wasn't that easy was it?

Before he even knew it, Yoongi put the black mask over his face up to his nose and took his wallet, phone with his grey coat and headed out of the bighit building. He wanted numbness and a just peace. He wanted to be in a space of no sound but just pitch black space. He wanted to feel free from the chains of his own mind.

There was the obvious method but he absolutely refused to comply to that. He had worked way too hard to get over that stage of self-destruction which almost led to his demise, to subject to it all over again. At least not today.

He walked in the nightly silence that was circling him. The street lights cast shadows that could be mistaken for being substantial. The reflectors on the roads glowed to prevent mishaps but only a few cars walked the pitch black roads with white and yellow stripes here and there. The wind danced slowly as if performing a waltz. The air smelled of a variety of things.

Yoongi took everything in with all of his five senses. It was a way of calming himself and it always worked as he would become distracted, by the things around him, to pay attention to his own thoughts.

Yoongi halted in front of a small store and pushed the door of the local convenience store. A small ding sounded from the bell hanging on the top of the door. The young lady behind the billing counter looked up with a small smile to acknowledge the rapper's presence and then casually went back to reading her novel.

Yoongi scanned the little store before walking towards the back of it, where the beverages were kept in refrigeration. He desperately searched for the small green bottles with the white label across their waist among the many different coloured and sized bottles that were there.

"Need some help," A voice said from behind him.

He turned around and saw the counter girl standing with her hands in the pockets of her hoodie with a friendly demeanor surrounding her. The rapper simply shook his head as an implication that he didn't need any help to which the girl nodded and left.

That was pointless, Yoongi thought to himself.

He looked back the glass doors behind which several drinks stood and he finally spotted what he needed and opened the door, taking out a box containing 8 soju bottles. He went to the counter and placed the box on it carefully. He took out his wallet and pulled out 3 notes of 10000 won from it and placed it on the counter along with his ID.

The young lady took the ID and her eyes widened as she looked back at Yoongi. She recognized him. Well it was no surprise since they were gaining fame with each passing day.  

"You are-", she began.

"Yeah, I hope that doesn't make a difference," He said in his low husky voice as he lowered his mask a little.

"Oh, of course not," She said with a smile, blushing slightly. And she handed the ID back to the rapper and quickly packed the bottles and gave back the change. Yoongi took the bag and the change with a smile. And as he turned to leave, he asked,

"What's your name?".

"My name? Oh uh-I..it's Hana." she said with her face tomato red.

"Thanks Hana," Yoongi said with his gummy smile. He really did appreciate Hana not making a big deal out of the fact that he was an Idol. Many in her place, wouldn't have done the same and rather would've asked for a picture or an autograph or hugged him or something of that sort.

Hana simply blushed more and mumbled a small 'No problem'. Yoongi exited the store and made his way back to the bighit building, simultaneously  being back in his realm of darkness.

_____________________

A drink

A cut

A sink

With blood

__________

Go ahead

And use the distractions

But you'll still be dead

In the end

_____________

a/n: So sorry! I know I haven't updated but here it is! Enjoy! Pls remember! if  you need someone to talk to...pls PM me...I'm here for you. Stay patient! Stay strong! Have a good day or night! Love ya! Fighting! Annyeong!