Lost myself // yoonmin ( m.yg • BTS)

13 - Anguish of letting it out

"Next to music, beer was best..."

THIRD POV

It had been a while since Yoongi had drank due to stress or pressure. And here he was.

He snapped open the 5th bottle of soju as he lay on the rolling chair of his studio. His mind was starting to get foggy as the alcohol was slowly acting on him and his usual tendency to be highly tolerant to such was wearing thin.

With each sip of the burning clear liquid, he felt more of himself leave his body and senses slipping from his grip.

The small gulps of the beer was overthrown as Yoongi downed half the bottle in one go. With his eyes droopy and red, he threw the bottle across the room.

It crashed on the wall as Yoongi watched the crystal glass pieces scattered around, the broken glass shone in the light of the studio.

He picked up another bottle from the floor.

The drink in the green bottle swayed around in its containment a Yoongi stood up clumsily, the bottle in one hand and the other clutching the hands of the leather chair for support.

He had a weird smile stretched across his pale face. He was about to pull the same shit he used to do years ago.

YOONGI POV

I could feel the drum of my  heart beat faster as a giddy feeling entered my heart. I couldn't describe the feeling but I felt ...good. I felt like a bird who was about to make its first flight, leaving behind the small, suffocating nest it grew up in, which restricted it from being free and it's true self.

I swayed from left to right as I reached for the door knob of my studio's thick glass door.

It was a bad idea. I knew that.

Roaming around, drunk in the middle of the night. But I needed to  get out of my head and most importantly, I needed to get out of my studio.

These four walls that were confining me to a little space everywhere and I could barely breathe because my mind refused to stop the tornado it had created inside of me.

I just wanted to forget everything that had gone wrong or could go wrong or would go wrong. I wanted to be free out of the area that bounded me to a certain level of expectations, goals and actions.

I wanted to forget the fact that i was broken, that no matter how hard I tired to stay afloat, I would always drown.

I let out a laugh as I thought about my pathetic self who couldn't keep his demons at bay and let them him control him because his mind had played a manipulative game and he was completely unknown to it. I wanted to scream at everyone, at the fucking world that I WAS DONE.

I was done pretending . I was done trying to feel better when all I could feel what is the urge to break down. I was done trying to be perfect. I was done trying to impress everyone about everything. I was done being strong and trying to keep the wall separating the dark and light in my mind, intact.

Right now, I felt as if I could be free and scream all I wanted to. I Felt carefree. But I had no idea how long I have been roaming around. I had no idea where I was. The neon lights at the motel signs "Rise" Illuminated It's surroundings on the other side of the road.

I was standing in front of an old looking book store. Around it were other shops that were obviously closed. I could see a narrow long Alley adjacent to the left of the book store.

I spinner disorientedly in one place as I laughed loudly with no care as if someone had told me the funniest joke ever. I started softly humming "run", the goofy smile still on my face. I walked lazily close by the book store, much more aware of my surroundings.