Lost myself // yoonmin ( m.yg • BTS)

14 - nothing could make it better

a/n: Don't drink you guys...it'll drag you down more than the depth you're already at.

I wish all teenagers can filter through songs instead of turning to drugs and alcohol.

-Taylor Swift

THIRD POV

He thought he would feel better.

And he did for that little while he roamed the night of Seoul but now he felt worse. He didn't feel better than before. Only worse.

But he knew this. He knew that the light feeling the beer made him feel was only temporary. He knew that as soon as the alcohol would withdraw from his body, he would feel the emotions and thoughts attack at him again. That also much more violently.

He knew it all but a few minutes of the mindful freedom he would get seemed so appealing that he would always be ready to face the consequences.

Yoongi stared at his reflection in the mirror as he leaned in with his hands on the sides of the sink. His closed his eyes as his mind buzzed, the tsunami of thoughts washing over him.

He very well understood what was happening with him but the million dollar question was the same every time. Why?

Why were those thoughts coming again and again? The same goddamn ones. Why was he losing control again? Why was he feeling like this again? Why was everything happening again?

Wasn't he getting better? Didn't he get better?

He guessed not. Otherwise none of this would have been happening.

He guessed that his mind had ruthlessly created a very realistic peaceful illusion, and he believed it with rather ease, but now his mind was laughing at him as it pulled him out of the illusion and punched a mixture of everything in his face. And he could do absolutely nothing but just lay dumbfounded.

No matter how much he shone, no matter how much more money he made or famous he got or fans he gained, he would still be broken.

Broken forever.

Inside out.

No matter how much he tried, his past would always be there to hug him. More tightly when he was alone. His own mind would always betray him as it would  welcome the anxiety and ruthless queen called depression, who conquered every mind she stepped into, like they were old friends.

No matter how much people praised him, he would always fail to suppress the thoughts telling him how pathetic he was. The demons in his subconsciousness would use every ounce of energy to invade his consciousness and make him believe their truths.

I am weak.

I am helpless

I am useless

I am a poor excuse for an idol

I AM nothing...

He had made himself believe the contradictory, which was THE reality and THEIR reality, before and he was doing it again. Difference?

It was much easier this time.

But like the strong fighter he was, something he failed to realise, he wasn't going to give up this easily, although his breaking point was right at the edge of the cliff.

Yoongi opened his eyes and stared back at the reflection of a pale boy. he looked so calm and collected despite the dry tear stains. No one could ever imagine the storm that brewed behind those soft brown eyes. He shook his head vigorously. He wasn't going to let the negativity consume him.

I am strong

I am talented

I am the best

I am NOT helpless

I am one of the best idols

I deserve to be in Bangatn because I worked my ass off.

I am the king of swag and savageness

I am the guy who spits fire

I am Min Yoongi.

He was indeed Min yoongi, one of the best rappers not only in the Kpop industry but internationally. He was one of the best producers and composers and writers out there.

A being with a soul threatening aura, eyes a sharp knife piercing you, touch a long staying wave of cold, freezing you on the spot, words as poisonous as a python snake, digging its fangs into your skin and filling you with utmost pain and its hold on you so strong, breaking your bones slowly, that even the strongest couldn't break out of.

And that being was very non-living yet becoming more than alive in the minds of the vulnerable innocent, similar to a Virus, was darkness.

It's name...Darkness. Its different personas; anxiety, depression, anorexia, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts and what not.

So if Min yoongi was Min yoongi then the Darkness was well it's manipulative and victorious self. And it wasn't giving up anytime soon.

_______________________________

Who shall

I believe

The minds trippy fall

My demons tell tales tall

Or the heart's emotional call

_____________

The truth

Is what i say

Don't be a sleuth

To find meaning of life

And waste your time

Destroy that precious youth

And cry

_____________

a/n: I don't know where I went with this chapter honestly...sorry for it being so short, the next one will be longer. And maybe this chapter sucks so the next ones will hopefully be better. See ya!

Pls comment, vote, it would mean the world to me.

Enjoy!  Also pls remember! if  you need someone to talk to...pls PM me...I'm here for you. Stay patient! Stay strong! Have a good day or night! Love ya! Fighting! Annyeong!