Wildflower (Kris Bryant)

11 Bad News

Serenity

Living with my type of heart disease is difficult. I have my good days, my fine days and my real bad days. Sometimes I forget I even have it, other days I'm afraid I'm gonna die. It's a dangerous game to play, trying to find a good heart and lungs. But I didn't have much of a choice at this point. It was all or nothing.

My doctor calls me and my parents into the hospital and I knew this couldn't be good. We got my labs back from my last visit and considering he wanted my mom and dad here with me as soon as possible I was preparing for the worst.

We arrive at the hospital and find my doctor sitting in his office. He invites us in and we take our seats across from him. He pulls out my file and puts my MRI up on the board.

"I want to thank you guys for coming in. I know for a fact that this is the last place you want to be. But I think we really need to talk about this and sooner rather than later" he starts and I swallow hard. I hold in the tears as he starts to read his notes. "You last came in when you were coughing up blood and we decided to do the x rays and MRI's and cardiographs. We found out that with your disease and the blood flowing backwards through the hole in your heart some of it made it into your lungs. And while right now it seems to be under control, I can't promise you the next time it happens you'll be that lucky. The hole seems to be getting bigger meaning more blood can flood into your lungs and you can choke to death on your own blood. That or the blood vessels can burst causing high blood pressure and internal bleeding. Now this is the worst case scenario, but your case is getting close to it" he explains.

My whole body falls heavy as my eyes meet the floor. They get all watery as I try not to send myself into a heart attack right then and there. But my chest gets tight as I try to think about what this means.

"What should we do" my mom asks him.

"We can control the blood pressure and make sure that her blood flow is at least manageable. But without a good match for her heart and her lungs there isn't much we can do. The heart isn't meant to work this way, and she's lucky she's made it this far without being hospitalized. I know you're on the donor list but I would see about getting you moved up as soon as possible" he explains.

My dad reaches over and sets his hand on mine. He softly pats it as I try to calm down. "How much longer do you think I have with this heart" I whisper.

"A few months" he admits. I feel a tear hit my cheek and I wipe it away. The sniffles start to get louder as his words sink in. "But we're going to do everything we can to help you."

"Thank you, Doctor. I really appreciate it" my dad says.

"I'm going to leave you guys to think things over and talk it out. Here's some pamphlets with ideas of how you want to go from here and what works best for you guys. I'll be back in 20 minutes to discuss your options and see where to go from here.

I don't expect you to be bed ridden just yet. You have quite a few more good days with that heart in there. But as soon as your symptoms worsen I seriously insist you get admitted sooner rather than later" he says.

I nod my head and he gives me those sad eyes. I hated when people looked at me like that.

He leaves us be and we just sit there for a little. None of us knew what to say. When I moved back home three months ago we thought we had more time. We thought I would be better of than I am right now. But things were spiraling down hill so fast I couldn't see anymore. I was so dizzy and don't think I'll ever see straight again.

"How are you feeling" my mom asks breaking the silence.

"Awful" I admit.

"I'm so sorry baby" my dad sniffles. Now that he's crying I know I'm screwed.

I reach over and grab his hand like he did to mine. I hold his hand as I let out a long sigh. "Let's just... ride this out. Get in as many days as we can to try and find a heart and a set of lungs. We are going to get the money for it and we're gonna win this war. I know we are. We just... we gotta believe that my heart is out there somewhere" I say.

"Maybe Kris can help you. He has a lot of leverage in this situation" my mom suggests.

I close my eyes for a few seconds before turning to her. I see her face fall as she stares into my soul. "You still haven't told him... have you" she accuses. I somberly shake my head and she lets out a sharp sigh. "Ren..."

"I'm not going to use my boyfriend to a advantage over others to get a heart. There's a bunch of reasons I haven't told him of my situation or the severity of it, and this is at the top of my list.

Momma he's not even here right now. I can't have him off somewhere worried about me. And I don't want to rely on him for this kind of stuff and he not be here. Knowing him he would drop everything to help me find a heart but the bottom line is that this isn't his problem. It's mine.

I'll tell him eventually and hopefully when I do it's because we found a match and I'm going to get better. But I can't tell him about this, not now. He's so happy momma, you should see his smile. I can't take away that sparkle in his eye" I whisper.

"He would understand" she claims.

"I know he would. He's so good to me. I haven't a doubt in my mind he wouldn't do everything in his power to end this for me. But I don't want his pity and I don't want his charity. I want his heart and his soul and every last ounce of that innocence he has to stay with him and not be lost because of me" I explain.

"And what if he finds out when it's too late" she asks.

I let my head fall to my chest as my eyes slam shut. The idea of it being too late scared the shit out of me. But one day it will be too late and I have to accept that. "Then I will know that I lived with no regrets" I say.

After talking things over with the doctor we decide to play this day by day. Treat the symptoms as they come and pray we get good news on the heart. I finally get home and see my little brother was there. But he was only there for a second before he was about to take off.

"Where are you going" I pout. "It's taco night."

"I'm going to work" he claims and I stop. He's 17 so not a lot of places hire kids his age and last week he didn't have a job so I was suspicious to say the least.

"Work" I question. "Since when?"

"I picked up a job to help you and mom and dad pay for medical bills" he claims.

I freeze as I stare at him in disbelief. My little brother who is insistent on playing the keyboard and singing for a living is getting a actual job? And for me? "Oh Warren that is so sweet of you! Come here" I say pulling him into my chest.

He lets out a groan and pushes me away but that smile on his face said enough. "Yeah yeah, don't make me regret trying to keep you around" he teases.

"I love you too" I joke.