Wildflower (Kris Bryant)

54 Reasons to Live

Serenity

As per the usual I arrive at the hospital for testing and a check up with my doctor. Having someone else's heart running my body has a lot of complications to it. Then you add the medication I have to take and the preexisting problems and it makes for a lot of doctors appointments. At least four times a month and not even December do I get a day off. Christmas was this week and I was still at the hospital making sure my heart won't stop or there no surprise infection setting into my body again.

So I sit in the doctor office and they hook me up to everything and take some blood for precaution to make sure the endocarditis is completely gone. Once they get what they need I go to my doctors office and sit down. He eventually joins me and sits across from me. He goes over the numbers and what they mean an I try to keep up but even though I've had heart problems my whole life it still gets kinda blurry at time.

"So, how have you been? Kinda surprised Kris isn't here with you" he admits and I laugh.

"We spend every second of every day together so Kris wanted to use this time to go get my Christmas present, even though he claims he's known what he wanted to get me for a while now. I'm just hoping he doesn't come home with another dog" I admit.

"How many do you have now" he wonders.

"Four perfect little fur babies and I'm afraid we're not done yet" I laugh.

He just nods as he smiles. "I get it. I got five dogs and I have to admit they do make life a lot better" he admits.

"It's not like I can do much anyway. So when Kris is gone at least I won't ever have to worry about being lonely" I admit.

"You guys live together right" he wonders.

"Yeah" I smile. "We have a beautiful house and it's all dolled up for Christmas. I'm sure when I'm done here I'll go home and grab Kris and curl up by the fire place. Our dogs will come cuddle with us and I'll find myself thanking god for what he's done for me so far" I explain.

He sets the files down and turns to me. He takes off his glasses and lets them hang to his chest. "You know, I've known you my whole life. I remember when you were born and I wasn't sure how much longer you would live. Your heart was more broke than it was together and the surgery we had to perform on you was so so risky. We performed that surgery the first day you were born and ever since then you've been fighting to keep it beating. Your parents... they never gave up on you. Never once thought you wouldn't make it.

And low and behold here we are 22 years later and you're doing great. It wasn't easy and I see you as a doctor a lot more than I would like, but at least I can still see you. I can still watch you grow up and defy all odds" he explains.

I let out a long sigh as I look down at my hands before a smile creeps onto my face. I think about how I got here and realize just how lucky I am. "I always thought that my life was a waste. A waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of effort. There is more things I couldn't do than I could do, so what's the point? Why was I being kept here if there was no good reason. If I couldn't go outside and play with my brother or go to concerts or drink then why bother?

But life isn't supposed to be filled with stuff like that. It never mattered how many friends I had or why my test scores showed. We aren't alive just to be like everyone else, to compare ourselves to other people. Our purpose has nothing to do with what we have, it has everything to do with who we are. It took me up until eight months ago to realize that. It wasn't until Kris was in my life did I ever realize that the greatest thing in life isn't what we do and don't do. In the end it is what we make of ourselves.

You know... I wrote a book. I've spent my whole life as a reader I never thought I could be a writer. I've read everything you can imagine and I know every style, every story line, and every outcome. Never did I think that I could be the one who writes the stories that other people read. I always wanted to but I was too scared. I didn't want people to not enjoy my stuff or for me not be good enough. I can't spend what limited time I have on this earth blowing my chance to be a writer because I was scared. If I'm a bad writer it could ruin everything I've ever known.

But after spending my whole life trying to find my purpose, trying to understand why I'm still here even though I shouldn't be, I finally know why. And it's because of Kris.

I had never fallen in love before I met him. I don't even think I really had a boyfriend because everyone knew me ask the freaky nerd girl who could single handedly perform Hamlet if you gave her a hour to prepare. Honestly though that maybe love wasn't for me. I read about love in my books, I saw it in my parents. But I've never felt love before, not in the romantic way at least.

He's why I'm still here, I know it. He's my purpose and it's kinda scary, feeling the way I do. I can sit here and finally admit that I want to keep living and I'll do anything to make sure I do so I can have it all with him. I want to go on trips because I never got to go anywhere as a kid. I want to have kids one day and show them that strength isn't something you find anywhere besides within. I want to write 20 books and share my story with others so they know there's a reason god has kept them here too. And it might take them 22 years to find it, but they'll find it" I smile.

"Most people I know who go through what you went through need some sort of counseling to try and move on after facing death the ways you have. But it's like each time I think you're gone you come back stronger" he claims.

"I just got a lot to fight for."